Citation: yang. "Tears in the Rain: An Experience with JWH-018 (exp76990)". Erowid.org. Mar 5, 2009. erowid.org/exp/76990
||(powder / crystals)
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. stu there's All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die.
I don't know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life, anybody's life, my life. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die.
Woke up today at a friend's apartment after a good night dosing of JWH-018. We decided to smoke a bit at morning so I put a tiny bit of JWH-018 in the pipe, an amount that looked around the same size of the stuff we had yesterday.
Nearly immediately after smoking it I noticed that something was wrong, that this time it was coming on a bit too strong. I've had waves of body energy always with both cannabis and JWH-018, but usually they're either numbing or even pleasurable, maybe a bit tingling. I sat on the couch and soon after I was taken over by these body waves, but this time they were different, they were burning, near painful. Sitting there on the couch I was slowly starting to lose it, my friends noticed something was wrong but I made an effort to do nothing that would make them panic. There were some benzos available, I thought of knocking myself out with them but I decided against it. I'm not quite sure if I made the correct decision as what was to follow was such an agonizing journey that to me it sounds like something out of a fairy tale.
I can't remember everything, I'm not sure I even want to remember everything, but at some point I totally lost it. I fell from our reality and I just kept falling, there was no stop to it. Different perceptions, different realities just kept passing through me, everything in chaos and this total loss of control over anything felt painful, not painful like physical pain, it was some now unimaginable agony. At some point I had a total realization. I was no more, it was just my conciousness that was everything now. It was a sort of complete ego death. My human life in the physical reality seemed distant, such a small part of everything. I had just lived it and now I was back here, I had a feeling that I had always been here and the life I lived was just an exception. But this place was even more agonizing than what I'd experienced before. Imagine just being, nothing more than just being, kind of like in limbo, for eternity.
Amidst the chaos, I still felt like I belonged somewhere, that I am from somewhere. I remembered my mother, that somewhere in this universe she cares about me and that I have to get back there. I remembered the drug and that it must be somehow be causing this. In all honesty these things at the time seemed completely meaningless and absurd, still I managed to convince myself that there is a real world and that I can get back there. I decided to choose the illusion of life.
I noticed that what I saw and what I felt, what I tasted and what I smelled, all came from the same place that seemed fairly constant given the circumstances. So I decided that this place must be reality, the place where I belong. Getting back there was by no means an easy task. I nearly gave into despair sometimes as I started to doubt whether this reality was really it and doubting whether I had ever been real at all. Something inside of me just kept me believing and I couldn't ignore the fact that my vision didn't drastically change. I was still in this room and there were still these 2 guys there and the Simpsons was on the television. I do remember that at some point it felt that my 2 friends' reactions to everything were scripted and that I was somehow stuck in this loop and that my friends believed that the world moves forward in time but it actually didn't. Think Groundhog Day.
Anyhow, sooner or later I started grabbing things around the room and rolling around etc. trying to feel as much as possible of the real world. At some point my friends mentioned something about the time and this was helpful in getting a good grip on reality. As there had been no time in where I had been, time was unique to this physical reality of ours.
It was a very tiring fight to get back to reality but finally I was somewhat able to shut my mind from what I had just experienced and it wasn't over yet. My vision was messed up, not as in hallucinations or anything of the sort, my brain just had some trouble at playing it as usual. I don't remember what it was like at first but it was very annoying so I rushed out of the house into the cold winter morning. This cleared my vision instantly and for a fraction of a second it looked like it was over. But then.... my vision froze. Every time I moved my vision moved in a mechanical way, lagging behind a little and it wasn't the normal sort of flowing vision, it was more like photographs. Photo after photo. This was nauseating as hell and I tried to keep myself occupied as not to think about it.
Finally, I decided that my head is clearing and that I can handle this and asked my friend to come for a smoke (the other one had left some time ago) and as soon as we stepped out of the door, I was back in reality.
It was like a 3 hour salvia trip and the whole day has been quite slow moving and I've easily fallen into my thoughts, for what seemed like minutes even if only seconds passed, all day long. At least I'm not falling from reality anymore.
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