Huasca Brew (Syrian Rue & M. tenuiflora)
Citation: Aya. "Becoming is a Being Still: An Experience with Huasca Brew (Syrian Rue & M. tenuiflora) (exp76855)". Erowid.org. Jul 19, 2009. erowid.org/exp/76855
This was written 4 hours after the ingestion of the ayahuasca, made with 14 grams Peganum harmala (Syrian Rue) and 10 grams Mimosa hostilis (M. tenuiflora).
'This morning I began my fast. I am fasting to add to the religious component of the ayahuasca trip. I began my fast, I ate no breakfast, and then I went to the grocery store to get some last minute materials. I spent four hours preparing the brew, I started at one a clock. The preparation was largely symbolic of my expectations and there was a large problem solving aspect of it. Grinding down root bark is difficult, one must begin by examining the pieces individually and dissecting them layer by layer until it is understood how best to make of the remains. This is the spirit that I infused in my medicine, that there is a problem, a problem to be solved, and that solving it requires understanding of it.
After the brew was complete we set off downtown to watch the monks destroy the mandala. It was a beautiful ceremony with much to savor but not as accessible as I wanted, the place was crowded and we fought for our spots outside. I left reflecting on disappointment, expectations, and wanting. Enlightenment is satisfaction without wanting. But we can not use words to describe 'enlightenment', I promise about that - it is beyond words.
We returned to the townhouse and I forced down the ayahuasca. It was....6? It doesn't matter, time doesn't make any sense, we need to stop using it. The trip came on very rapidly, it has a mind of its own, there is definitely a journey, a spirit there, to experience, and it guided me. It is a drug to be respected for this. Immediately after onset was the impulse to purge, but I knew that if I did I would lose the trip, I hadn't digested enough of it. The drug was telling me, you're not ready, you can't experience this yet, you have to get rid of this, and so I told it - no, you show me what you have to show me. And I surrended to the guiding energy of the rising trip. Every physical, mental, emotional, spiritual discomfort was an impulse to purge, to get rid of the bad. I watched time creep by for an hour fighting those urges, letting myself get taken away by the drug. To fight the impulse to get rid of discomfort because it offers something greater in return.....an incredibly powerful exercise spiritually.
A knock on the door. B next door knows I took the ayahuasca and he wants to chat, but I want to not throw up. E goes outside and I shut myself off in a dark room. I am listening to the flow around me, surrending my thoughts to the will of the ayahuasca, letting it guide me wherever it wants to go, and it wants to listen to the hum. There is probably not really a hum, I am hallucinating the sounds of the universe around me, creating the insects that I know aren't there because the weather is too cold. I can hear the cicadas and the crickets and they swell into a deafening chorus. I am listening to the hum. I am experiencing the hum. The hum of the entire universe that my mind has created for me. The hum, this initial auditory hallucination stimulates my sense of hearing. I am laying in a dark room and I am overcome by the stimulation of hearing.
It dawns on me I have other senses. I become aware of my nose, of its ability to smell and I get stuck in the stimulation of that sense. I am experiencing the hum around me and now the hum has moved to my nose. This vibration, this constant rise and fall in energy happening at an incredibly rapid rate, it is a humming, a total vibration, I feel it in my ears and now I feel it in my nose. At that point my other senses awaken themselves, but in a dark room there is some sensory dep., that is what got me into 'trouble'. My sight was turned inwards, stimulation of that sense would be throwing stimulation at my consciousness. The moment everything began to hum, I lost sense of my body, I lost sense of my environment.
I was a mass of vibration and nothing more. My tactile sense was that of vibration, my hearing that of the chorus of cicadas and crickets, my sense of smell - a high held irritation, my sense of taste - somehow absent?, yet my sense of sight.......No words. This feeling of stimulation, of vibration eminating from my body collected very rapidly right between my two eyes, in the space where my minds eye would go. It started as a warm spot that turned into the prick of a hundred tiny needles calling it awake with the same stimulating sense that awoke my other senses. My third eye is opening. I thought this for a moment and immediately I must have made a connection with the chakras because the hum, this pin prick, this sharpness of sense glowing from my third eye spread to my entire head, a buzzing mass of pins and needles.
After swallowing my head the warm, the sense, the awakening moved into my throat. All senses were in agreement, my throat - a humming, an awakening. Here it dawns on me - my chakras! They are awakening! I remember the distinct description of this kind of energy, the kundalini awakening. I don't attach that word though until I realize I am in total control over this stimulation, I am defining my experience, my exercise in just being is an exercise in ...... haha being. I move the hum, the vibration, the stimulation, up from my throat back into my head. This must happen in fractions of seconds. Once I exert overwhelming force on it though the sensation spirals out of control exploding into...an overload of stimulation. A headache that feels as though I am being attacked by long, thin, sharp needles driven into my scalp, my ears burn and ache from the noise of my minds own making. I am aware of my awareness and immediately, in response to this self inflicted pain, I feel terror. Isn't this what drove Nietzche crazy? This is so beyond my control, this will be a problem! I have to get away from this experience! What is the answer? How can I put the kundalini back to sleep??
I throw myself out of the dark room and I look for E. The transition back into the world of language is impossibly difficult, but even the attempt to do so....the effort to DO has an affect on the state of my being. Please! I need a favor! Look up Kundalini Awakening for me! Please! Why? You'll see, just please, I have gotten myself in a lot of trouble here. I linger....I am not prepared yet to go back to doing...I was just being for the first time in my life....and I scared myself out of it, I felt the need to do, to look for a solution to a problem and that problem, that question was how to 'be'. My lingering.....this means too much, I am looking for another consciousness to validate my own existence, my experience, my reality - there are other consciousnessses out there aren't there?? I go to Elliot for reassurance that this is the case and no sooner do I pull myself out of my awakening, do I take the ability to be and experience away from myself, and view that control as a problem, then my ability to suppress the urge to purge vanishes, my body overcomes me.
I don't know how I got to the bathroom, I don't know how I had coordination over my body. Somehow I managed to make my target and the feeling of overwhelming..ha. I am purging and I am trying not to retch because I know if I start to indulge retching I wont stop. My resolve really takes over, I am able to feel my own spirit respond to a spiritual crisis and it manages to do so with strength that mystifies my thinking mind. My mind tries to analyze this spirit and it collapses on itself, I fall back against the wall and the ground swells up into a song around me. A song about mountains and clouds and streams and birds. Again, my mind becomes aware that I have taken control from it and it fights back. It's immediate response is to view this loss of control as a problem, a problem that cornered Nietzche of all people, how can I stand up to it? I am giving authority over my experience not just to my mind, but to any figure of authority that will present itself. Anything to take control away from myself, anything to stop being. Is there something wrong with transcending human consciousness? I return to E for the answer. He wants me to explain what I am experiencing but I have lost my mind, and using language means indulging in the constructs of a logical mind which has set out to define my reality.
There is an alternative to experiencing reality and it is not with the logical. There is no way to use language to describe the consciousness that accompanies a kundalini awakening, it is so far removed from the logical reality, yet it is not illogical...it is incommensurably different, no use trying. But do know that there is another way to experience and it is just being, not doing. This is another place, we can transcend our minds and it is wonderful.'
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