Citation: Gurudas. "The Seer: An Experience with Mescaline (exp76840)". Erowid.org. Dec 8, 2020. erowid.org/exp/76840
A substance(s) in this report might be identified incorrectly. Erowid reviewers question the author's identification of the drug described. Although the report is included in the collection, the substance might be something other than the author believed it to be.]
I was a war baby, 1944 January. I remember two things vividly...the loss of a little toy screwdriver in a flagpole hole when I was 2, I can see my 2 year old body on the corner in Passaic sitting with its butt off the ground and losing the screwdriver.......the A bomb was dropped soon thereafter, but all I remember was the wall flush tank...When I was 8 I had a 'oneness' dream, and when I entered the classroom next morn the awareness that 'Jimmy B. and Ritchie H etc walking around were really Me but in different 'bodyclothes' and I truly felt a 'Thatness' that loved everything. I must have fallen back into ordinary mundane separate consciousness cuz the next experience I remember of the Unity of everything was about when I was 12 when I was dreaming and awakened quickly and looked out the window and my field of vision was an intense homogeneous lightfield. I became frightened and hid under the covers and went out 'like a light' .
I was always very lonely except when involved in technical, chemical or mathematical studies in which I excelled. I also was very athletic and hormonally intense with restraint of Catholic Disciplines. I prayed fervently every night to the picture of Jesus in the Garden whose clasped hands and countenance are etched in my mind. Years later I got a picture of the sacred heart of Jesus and used it as a cognitive centering device to gaze at to make my mind one-pointed while opening my heart...at that point I was separated from from 1st wife and had a vision of a large section of time and distance simultaneously and all the events that would happen and knew all would be OK... I fervently got into meditation natural healing, became a yogi and a Yoga instructor and a Disciple of Sri Swami S...my initiation name Gurudas...(Servant of God, the teacher within) funny I followed Richard Alpert (Ram Dass for years in me....
I was walking out of the apartment going to the lab one day when this slim bearded grad student in the medical dept came out his door at the same time and started talking to me as if he had known me always! I was relaxed, trusting, and just listened as he pointed to an open journal in his hands Journal of Psychiatry and it was an article by Harvard Professors Drs. Timothy Leary, Richard Alpert, and Ralph Metzner and they (now these are Harvard Professors, and if you are me, you REVERE anything your professor says, because my professors were logical chemists, engineers, Dr. J who worked on the Manhattan project, Dr S a marine officer and organic chemist par excellence who instilled in me an interest in mechanistic chemistry linked to my libido!...and when they said something, it was a LEMMA! No contradiction in me, I just completely accepted and put it into my Being as Truth!) So when my eyes saw that Leary said they were consuming magic mushrooms sacred to the Aztecs and THEY WERE SEEING GOD........ I believed it!
At the point where the Leary Journal entry was shown, I thought nothing more of it. I was a family guy and had a young wife, drank beer, went to school, did my thesis and was exempt from the murderers of the Vietnam draft that were killing my age group on TV now on the evening news. My wife and the beer coaxed me to finish my MS thesis and get a job to have money to buy 'Stuff' .
So now working with a great apartment, car cash. My wife comes in and confronts me and tells me she is leaving me! Every night I drink to oblivion talking to my cat Ravi to please bring her back to me ….and I am truly insane, and I cannot tell anyone! For I have the denial I was brought up with to push away or wash away the unpleasant..but man it ain't working and I am really depressed and sad and shaky in the morning and my little heart has been ripped out. I finally can’t stand it anymore and I tell my Coworker, a family man my dad's age....and he really gives a damn! I feel better, ....see It's what is INSIDE me that dictates my experience and how I feel but it doesn't bring her back of course.
Then I am given some LSD by my undergraduate school best friend who now seems (to me) is nutty as a fruitcake and says he's afraid to drive...? I lay on the bed and take half of it and nothing happens right away so I take the rest and then I can't relax, I am really afraid for myself as if I am AFRAID I'm GONNA DIE! I am soooo afraid that I go across the courtyard to my friend and his wife's apt. And I tell them what has happened....I can see his great face laughing with comradery and he gives me a Ringness beer and I try to relax but I pick up on the paranoia of his wife whose thought whispers to him I can hear and they both appear as puppets to me, lifeless and I feel miserable (I am later to read all these experiences in the Psychedelic Experience by 'Leary Alpert and Metzner' as exerpted from the Tibetan Book of the dead translated by Dr Evans Wenz.) My neighbor tucks me in under the covers of his bed and his wife brings me a drink of rye liquor on ice. They leave and I relax knowing I'm loved. Holey Cow the booze is taking me out of this expanded understanding and oh crap I guess I'll go home now and I leave telling them thanx and I'm Ok and they think they feel sorry for me cuz of my wife who left me but I dont care so much now.....
I go into work and I have all this morbidity in my head about my wife leaving. My friend John says lets hop our bikes and go have a few and shoot pool for lunch.. First he takes me to and empty lab at work and his buddy is there and he has a vial of shining crystals he sniffs into his nose. John does the same and offers me the dollar bill rolled into a tube. And I think...who cares, my life’s over without my wife and I snort it (it was amphetamine). We shoot pool and have a beer and ride our bikes back and they are really talking while walking to the guard gate and all of a sudden I realize and say 'Man! DO I FEEL GOOD!' (all my problems are like nothing, I feel like young and free again ...no depression..Wife? ....gone! I befriend folks and get the Hottest girl everybody would love to date and she’s crazy for me! I excel at work.....a new lab assistant more cash etc etc....always with a spoon in my pocket ('Lovin Spoonful. Heh....spoonfulla diamonds spoonfulla gold just a little spoon of your precious love (Yin Lady goddess methamphetamine) will satisfy my souL' Eric Clapton....).
Then I come across the book Psychedelic Experience with Moody Blues playing and black lights and big titted girls kissing and hugging me and then my interest goes back to THE GUY IN GRAD SCHOOL AT MY APT...THE BEARDED GRAD STUDENT' AND IT ALL STARTS TO FIT.......I beg my friend Stanley, to let me see God (I don't even care how stupid that sounds cuz I KNOW the 5 tabs of pink Mescaline he gives me will make that happen without a shadow of a doubt!!!) I forget about HAVING it and work the week..I love chemistry....and its link to.....SEPT 1969.
A week later friends are up in my apartment and I take out the 500mg pink tabs of Mescaline and the Psychedelic Experience Book...I tell them not to eat...my mind is 100% focused on doing what the manual tells me as written by those professors who were seeing God. I have NO desire for anything else! They eat greasy chicken while I’m reading….
'To the Divine Body of Truth' The Incomprehensible Boundless Light' 'Radiating for Countless billions of Years, the All Good, The Final End The Entire Round of Death, Birth and the State above it all...the state of Freedom. The Void is not nothingness, it is life Itself, all of us, the whole human race over all time zones ...together as One in the Godhead...they get sick as the consciousness moves upward from the stomach and they are in the bathroom vomiting
My body begins to shake and I know it is going to explode into a million atoms so I calmly lay THE BODY down on the floor and...and then in an instant of separation closed eyes I see the entire human race 'Archetypal thought in the Mind' with me in its center and link to all of us as the thread of consciousness networks us at the speed of lovelight and expands then as I fully awake!
The next thing I know is there is this INFINITE BODY OF TOTAL LIFE BEING just like the book said. ALL THE PUZZLE PARTS OF MY LIFE FIT...ALL IS KNOWN AND PURE INTENSE LOVE OHHH SUCH A LOVE AS TO MAKE MY WoRDS SEEM SOO TINY IN COMPARISON and yet so full and rich with LoveTruthUnificationCompassion AND SUCH A VIBRANT TOGETHERNESS OF US ALL SUCH BALANCE SO....SUCH ETERnITY ALL TIME AT ONe MOMENT...SO THATS WHAT Christ meant when he said he will die for ALL OUR SINS...OF COURSE! If one of us loses their ego...the whole lose their ego CUz there is IN REALITY just ONE of us always has been that way...curious huh.....
My eyes open My physical body sits up I see my watch only 3-4 hours BUT FILLEDFULL-filled with Eternity of Mine own Conscious ness, The Seer ...the Knower separate from the body breath and mind..... Has passed here and and the secondary clear light dawns. I see my friends and they are Me and I know they see that I am them and Jenny is Me and Ritchie gets excited and wants to grab us with elation and I keep the balance and he feels badly and slinks into separateness to flow back to oneness later and Bobby looks at me calm and serene and Jenny looks at me and Worlds of information pass between us and we understand and the intense love is perfectly balanced without bodily concerns. We go outside ...all of us and walk under the exploding stars and feel the freedom and I walk behind and I feel the compassion and understanding and I really care for the whole human race and I know how the doorway opens and the doorway at that moment and I are ONE in Christ lightself....and we return as the ego and my 'stuff' begin to return my watch spins backwards at a increasing pace as a wave of solidity begins to overcome me and the picture is only a reflection of the throbbing butterfly of my heart’s anthem of the love we are.....I keep practicing the presence and remembering the BLISS yes it was the BLISSLOVEONENESSKNOWLEDGE to feel...yes to keep flowing back to it...
8 hours later. Oh what a drag I'm me again...and how depressing to have finally trashed the 'daily news daily blues Russky et al' fears including a much lessened fear of death. I tried to go back so many times till I finally gave up without the 'Garment' of nonattachment I just could not...its just not the chemical shift in the biochemistry. I must have tools that my will can use internally to convert my emotion to devotion to our highest self.
My wife came back! She experienced God...on the mushroom Psilocybe mexicana. We had 2 beautiful children and they have families of their own today...I have not had a drink of alcohol or beer or any chemicals for 31 years now....SERVICE meditation, Raja Yoga-Pranayama mantra etc. She left her body 2 years ago and my new wife the most loving straight and caring mother who shares the thread of conscious thought as we are AWAKE together…
Contemplation of divine things is most rewarding serenity leads to all sorts of serendipitous good things happening...I am a money magnet peace is my birthright, I was never born nor had I parents... I am the Soul, the Atman or divine self separate from the body.
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