Citation: explorer. "Love-Hate: An Experience with Clonazepam (exp76796)". Erowid.org. Mar 19, 2018. erowid.org/exp/76796
To give you a brief understanding of my history and who I am I will let you know about my use of substances prior to being prescribed Klonopin. I started of drinking and smoking like a normal teenager and watched my fascination with drugs expand to mushrooms, acid, and dxm. Soon enough I was trying whatever I could find. My use went from a casual pot smoker to trying 10 different opiates and opioids, 6 different psychedelics, 4 different benzodiazepines, multiple over the counter substances, hypnotics, barbiturates, muscle relaxers, sedatives, and uppers. I was taking at least one of these substances everyday for a year and a half before I created the strongest love hate relationship I have ever encountered.
I was in a traumatic car accident that left a beautiful soul, and a good friend of mine dead. After the accident I could not handle everyday life. School was impossible, being alone was horrific, and waking up was an even bigger nightmare from the one I just experienced in my sleep. I went to the doctor to find something that could help my anxiety and PTSD( post traumatic stress disorder) I explained to him how I could not be around people without thinking that they believed I was the reason for her death or that I killed her. The everyday guilt and shame was overwhelming. My doctor disregarded my drug history and prescribed me klonopin. I was to take up to 3 mgs a day for panic attacks. Naturally being an addict I took way more then 3mgs a day.
For the first few months klonopin was my savior. I never had flashbacks, or panic attacks. I was able to go to school, talk to counselors and friends without worrying what everyone was thinking of me. I now know that klonopin was never a cure, it was just a fix for relative happiness. I felt like I could accomplish anything on klonopins. I was taking around 8 to 12 mgs a day, my father had a prescription for 120 1 mgs a month and rarely took them. I soon was unable to function without it. If I didnít take it one day I would withdrawl and be even more psychotic before. I couldnít get off it because they anxiety of even thinking about it would give me a panic attack.
Klonopin restored me to myself and allowed me to be happy, but I still was unable to feel real emotions. I also was never able to mourn the death of my friend properly. Those green monsters as I called them where magic for me. They took away any cares or worries and I had no inhibitions. After about 7 months the magic stopped working. My anxiety was the same and I had cravings everyday for other drugs. When I was finally able to detox from them it took me 2 months to feel back to normal. I was lazy, unmotivated, had a hazy memory, and had no desire to do anything but die. After taking klonopin I was left in worse shape then before. Granted I always exceeded the prescribed does, I still believe the only way I would have ever been able to get better would have to be in sobriety.
All in all, klonopin is a great drug to relax in moderate doses, and if used correctly for panic attacks. Anything over 6 mgs for me would leave me in a drunken stupor. I hated klonopin yet continued to take it because I loved the way I felt. If thatís not a perfect example of an addict I donít know what is.
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