Citation: Anonymous. "False Sense of Security: An Experience with Methadone (exp75351)". Erowid.org. Nov 23, 2015. erowid.org/exp/75351
A little back story first. I'm 18 years old. I started experimenting with cannabis at the age of 15 due to depression, anxiety, back/neck pain, and straight curiosity. I had been prescribed several different anti-depressants/anxiety medications, as well as muscle relaxers in the past 5 years. I didn't like the way I felt on anti-depressants so I stopped taking them and refused to try different ones. I've always had a high tolerance to medications as well, and the muscle relaxers didn't help, and because of my age, my mother did not want me to be prescribed any narcotic. Its also worth mentioning that my mother has several problems resulting in her having been prescribed practically every painkiller out there.
After I started using cannabis regularly, I looked for other ways to cope with my pain, depression etc. I'm not proud of it, but I started stealing some of my mother's medications. Lortabs, Xanax, Oxycontin, Percocets, you name it. I'm not going to lie, I fell in love with them. About a year after that, her doctors took her off of a lot of her meds, and prescribed her Methadone 5mg. I didn't know anything about it at the time, except that it was known for being dangerous. I didn't care. Even better, the pills were so small, and there were so many (90), that I could take 10-15 from the bottle without her noticing unlike other larger pills.Once again, I fell in love, hard. Instead of relief lasting a few hours, I now had it all day. And because of that, I wasn't miserable from pain and my depression and anxiety disappeared without a trace.
I started taking 15mg a day, for about 2-4 days out of the week. That quickly turned into 7 days a week. This went on for about a year, then her prescription was changed to 10mg instead of 5. This made life even easier for me, as I didn't have to steal as many at one time, and I could take 5mg more a day. Eventually this turned to me taking 30mg a day. I was taking over half her prescription a month, and it was going to catch up with me. It did. She ran out over a week early, and she had been taking less than what was prescribed to her. She put two and two together, asked around, and found out I was stealing her medication. I had dreaded this day for around 3 years.
Turns out, that wasn't what I should have been worried about. I can't explain the mental anguish and despair I felt at the beginning. All the problems I had been hiding from for years came rushing back and the thought of never having the wave of euphoria that Methadone was to me, was almost too much to bear. The thought of never again experiencing life without pain, anxiety, and depression on top of the withdrawal symptoms that were slowly creeping up on me was almost enough for me to lose my mind. By day 4 I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep for more than 3 hours straight (even on cannabis, which is unheard of for me), couldn't think straight, was constantly shaking, had difficulty breathing, constantly sweating, heat flashes and being cold at the same time so I was never at a comfortable temperature, extremely restless but had little to no energy, couldn't stand up on my own for more than a few minutes, uncontrollably crying, and had an overall feeling that I was about to go crazy and destroy everything in my sight. I literally couldn't stand to do anything but smoke cigs or cannabis.
Now it is day 8, and my mother's prescription has finally been filled. Instead of kicking me out of the house or sending me to rehab (which if I didn't have a few important obligations right now, I would willingly go), she has decided to ween me off of the Methadone until I can get insurance to go to her pain management doctor. As I type this, I feel the 10mg of Methadone coursing through my body (which will be dropped unreasonably to 5mg within 3 days), giving me a false sense of security that I know will soon end. The next few months of my life are undoubtedly going to be the hardest thing (aside from this past week) that I've ever had to do. Now that I've had a taste of what it is like to live without constant pain, depression, anxiety...I will do whatever it takes to get that back. The only advice I can give is this: if you're going to experiment with drugs for recreation, stick with less addictive ones.
I've never been addicted to anything other than cigarettes and Methadone (and even then, it took over a year to become dependent on Methadone), I guess I'm lucky considering the drug binge that has been the past few years of my life.
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