Citation: Grimble Crumble. "Matters of The Mushroom and The Heart: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp73314)". Erowid.org. Nov 8, 2009. erowid.org/exp/73314
Let me start off by saying that before this trip I had done mushrooms enough and on enough dosages to say and believe that I have definitely gotten to know the mushroom. I am familiar with its character, its stern way of teaching, it’s goofy way of putting you in a mad house, its useful way of putting all in perspective, and its uncanny way to place you into a dark world or a beautiful one.
But this trip completely and totally introduced me to something new. It was this trip that I finally met mushrooms true power. Why? There were many catalysts. I had been sleep deprived for the last few weeks because of a horrible break up, going days with barley eating, these mushrooms were very potent and also the strongest part of the trip was in a very small room with no electricity. But I KNOW the main reason I met mushrooms true power with this trip was because I needed this. I desperately needed to meet this power and face it, because of what my mind had become due to the point I was at in my life.
My mindset going into this trip was one of a broken down tattered and torn war zone. It had been less then a week since I had found out I had been cheated on by a person a truly loved. Betrayed lied to and deeply seared by a person I had been with for 2 years, lived with for one year, nearly had a child with, and honestly did believe would be my wife. Since finding out, I had been going out to parties every night trying to forget about her, move on I guess. Every night I was getting much too drunk and passing out on people’s floors trying to ease my mind. The night before the trip I had snorted some oxy and fell asleep on a friend’s floor and still my mind did not rest. I was headed down a very dark path.
That being said on to the trip…
I had just managed to find my car keys and decided to go hangout with a longtime friend “C” who I hadn’t seen in a while. I walked in the door Feeling like complete and utter shit on every level. Mentally, physically, spiritually, but not knowing it because it had become a way of life for me the last couple of weeks since the break up. I had become so use to feeling like shit it was normal and pushed into the back of my mind. C told me how he had been trying to find someone to do mushrooms with him and asked if I would. I figured what the hell its my day off, I like shrooms, and it could be good for me. So we weighed out two grams each, chewed them up good and swallowed.
C’s electricity had just been turned off so there wasn’t much to do while waiting for them to kick in. We decided to head out to the pool at his apartment complex to sit and relax before the madness would ensue. It was surprisingly a pretty serene spot to wait for the effects. The pool was empty, it was a typical sunny perfect California day, and a breeze ruffled the leaves of the trees and palm trees. Before long it was apparent we were intoxicated.
That purely can’t put into words just plain weird mushroom feeling was gripping us. A feeling of all perception and understanding is skewed was dropped onto our heads. Its funny how no matter how many times a person does mushrooms and they think they know what to expect, but you never really quite understand what you’re in for, even moments before you take them.
I could tell these shrooms were going to be hitters because it hadn’t been long at all and they were already proving to be quite powerful. C and I just sat there by the pool laughing and giggling like little kids. The shrooms were picking up fast and we were turning into happy to be crazy mad men. Suddenly the body effects became unimaginably strong! It was a miracle I didn’t float up into the sky because I truly felt lighter than air. I felt as if my whole body was being pumped with a type of euphoria inducing helium. Each body part was inflating and deflating different sizes while euphoria was rampaging in my stomach. Not radiating as it does with mdma or even alcohol, but rampaging, completely swirling and blobbing all around, shifting and throwing its odd momentum around inside of me.
As for the visuals, these mushrooms were already proving to be some of the most visually astounding I had ever done and it was the middle of the day. The trees sparkled, oh and the clouds! The clouds were vigorously swirling around fiercely, painting wild and detailed pictures over the entire sky for me. The table I was resting on suddenly sprouted little rocky looking canyons all over the surface. It was like looking down on the surface of some miniature rocky alien plain. My rather baggy shorts looked as if they weren’t shorts at all but instead part of my skin, giving off a very reptilian appearance with the scales of my new reptile legs constantly changing shape and form.
C and I just sat laughing about our new alice in wonderland world we had been placed in when suddenly a neighbor came to use the pool. He was very scraggly looking with his shirt torn up in many places which was a little odd. C got up and let him in explaining to him we were on mushrooms but it didn’t seem to register. The man just kept repeating his name and apartment number over and over and his face was twitching. He walked to the other end of the pool to swim but kept freakily talking to himself. This guy whether he was a meth head or just off his rocker didn’t matter, he was sending me some very strange vibes and it was all just a bit too weird. I felt like my serene spot to enjoy my trip had been tainted, so I told C lets go for a walk.
We made it back to his house and went into his room where C’s brother and his girlfriend were. They tried to talk with us, lol but there’s really no point in attempting conversation with non trippers while this far down the rabbit hole. They eventually left.
Now this is where things get far out there… I laid down on C’s bed in his little room and just then realized how tired I was. I was flat out immensely physically tired. The breakup had been weeks ago and attaining peaceful sleep since then was still a battle not yet won. I had been abusing alcohol and weed and oxy in an attempt to rest my mind and attain sleep but always only ending up with nothing, and it was all wearing down on me at that moment. My eyelids became anchors as I rested face down on that bed…
I entered what from the outside point of view appeared to be sleep, but in actuality it was more of a comatose state. My body shut down and as I fell into this comatose like state the physical world and everything in regards to reality cracked up and fell away until there was no more reality, there was no more world, there was no more dimension. All that remained was a new reality of being totally submerged within the ocean of my mind, thoughts, and the far reaches of consciousness. There was absolutely no awareness of the outside world at all. Most of the time I had completely no idea there was such thing as an outside world, a planet earth. There was no concept of “earthly” things. No idea what a name was, what a mushroom was, hell even what a human being was. All that was understood and existed was a river of emotion and thought that the mushrooms had given me no choice but to be carried by.
As I swam and fell through my inner consciousness and mind, flashes of family and friends would blink internally in me. Did those things even happen? Were those things even real? How can it be when this is so real? Was that life? Is this death? Haven’t I been like this forever? … Wait oh yes I’m on mushrooms what the hell; I’m inside my mind… I have a body. Suddenly I felt a glimpse of my earthly body but when I say glimpse I mean GLIMPSE. A few seconds of feeling an extremely warped and distorted body, arm in one room leg in one other dimension attached only by energy type of feeling. I would sit up but then again everything would crack and fall away and I would have to lie down as I went back to being deeply and fully submerged inside my soul, or mind or conscious whatever you want to call it. Falling falling.
Pure thought and emotion raced over me in a totally new hyper way of communication with myself… but at the same time there was no myself, only partially. It’s very hard to explain. Once again as a fell through this inner space of pure thought one thing kept coming in front of me. One thought kept echoing in my mind constantly pushing its way in front of me. The name of the person I loved. The splinter I had been avoiding was now no longer avoidable. In this state the concept of girlfriend or even cheating wasn’t understood. I saw her as a part of me. I was in the core of my consciousness and could literally feel how her soul and true self was intertwined with mine. I walked on the very vines that tied our souls together all this time and ate the fruit that grew from them. I felt the untamable love I have for her and along with it came the unimaginable sadness. Not because of cheating, or it being over, I wasn’t thinking in matters like that, couldn’t understand things like that. The sadness came from the fact that while inside myself I could literally feel her presence her soul her energy separating from mine.
It was so real.
All of the sadness, and depression that I had been pushing into the back of my mind and attempting to ignore the past few weeks I was forced to address. Devastation reared through all, devastation was all. I am A firm believer that while living our lives we accumulate I hate to use the word energy but its all I can come up with. Our experiences through daily life provide us with positive or negative energy and our bodies and conscious store it. Cleansing or venting out the negative energy is important and vital to happiness and health, and people do it in many ways weather it be through sport or art.
Due to events in my life my body over the last few weeks had become a bubbling cesspool of pent up negative energy but instead of experiencing it and letting it out I had been ignoring it and living with it because it was too painful to experience. The mushrooms however forced me to experience it so in a way, that devastation was truly beautiful and it became apparent while coming down.
Slowly I began to become more aware of things around me so me and C decided to go outside to talk and chill. We stepped outside and felt the evening breeze. I love the feeling of coming down from mushrooms in the day and everything is just beautiful.
C and I just started talking about everything. He knew I was going through some very hard times with heartbreak and betrayal. I told him about the intense mind journey I just had and how I felt bad I couldn’t spend the peak with him. I reflected on everything I had just gone through and felt the most unimaginable relief to have dealt with everything. I knew I had gotten out the horrible devastation I had been storing inside all this time. Suddenly a feeling of letting out the largest sigh of relief from the depths of my being, washed over me. For the first time in weeks I felt genuinely happy, the world had been lifted from my shoulders and I seriously wanted to tear up it felt so good. This feeling was priceless for me. I had been in a prison of agony for too long and was finally set free even if maybe it was only for this one day and night I didn’t care. I felt good now after I never thought I would again. This is the power of mushrooms. We talked about the relationship and C really helped me through a lot of things. I realized how insecure my love had been through out our entire relationship and understood how all of the wrongs she had done were a result of her insecurities. She has horrible trust and self love issues as a result of abandonment from her parents and abusive relationships. C explained to me how I just couldn’t fix that, and he was right. I had been trying for 2 years. I felt sorry for her and hoped that she would find peace in her life and defeat these demons that torture her.
Once again I could barley control my joy because I new I was a good man. This wasn’t my fault. I did all I could do and that’s all I have. I actually felt good about myself, an unfamiliar feeling in these times. I was bursting at the seems with happiness because I knew I could look back and say I had done all I could and loved the best I could.
Our talk continued and onto farther subjects of life’s beauty and hardships when suddenly an apartment door opened and C’s neighbor called to us to see something. It was his baby taking his first steps with the biggest smile on his face. God the happiness I felt. It was beautiful seeing the beginnings of life; witnessing this child’s accomplishment and his obvious sense of joy from it. I couldnt wait until the day I had my own son. The day I could feel the joys of fatherhood. The days I could lead a child through this world.
It had been an unquestionably epic trip and Life was perfect in this moment. C and I decided to get an 18 pack and call up another good friend to celebrate this moment. However events of the rest of that night are an entirely different crazy story all together.
I feel blessed to have had this trip and It is another one of those special ones I will forever hold close to my heart. The ones I feel I worth writing down and saving to look back on and smile.
thank you mushrooms.
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