Citation: BlindOnRits. "Blind, Fiending, & Unsuccessfully Drunk: An Experience with Methylphenidate & Alcohol (exp73285)". Erowid.org. Apr 5, 2010. erowid.org/exp/73285
I suppose I'll begin by explaining my blindness exactly to give a better perspective to the curious reader. I endured vision loss at the age of 18 due to genetic reasons that caused me to go blind in my right eye and be left with center vision (no peripheral) in my left.
Drug use has been relevant in my life for quite some time. Having tried everything from heroin, cocaine, multiple downers, marijuana, acid, and mushrooms. Yet, never using anything but marijuana and alcohol on a steady basis, due to my own reasons and seeing others go through horrible heroin withdraw or anything comparable.
It was another Tuesday night like any other at the college, most of the people in the group we usually hung out with didn’t have classes on Wednesday either. I started off my night normally around 10pm with a few chugs straight from the bottle of vodka and chasing with some water, as did a friend I had met, J. After we both were pretty set we went to the pepsi machine on the lower floor and both bought a pepsi and proceeded back upstairs to empty it to the top of the label and fill it back up with vodka so we could be mobile with our drinks and begin our night of going room to room and getting fucked up usually to the point of blacking out for myself.
Our usual hangout was on the 2nd floor with two good friends we both met that semester. But this time instead of just beer and an occasional bottle of liquor one of the two had a nice full bottle of Ritalin 30mg. Of course he asked if we were interested and since neither of us had ever done them before we each bought two of the (in my opinion) cigarette color looking pills. The night was just about to get interesting and horrifying beyond my imaginable dreams.
Excited about our recent acquisitions we both headed back to my dorm room and immediately sat down at the nearest desk with cigarette pack cellophane, lighters, college IDs, and the largest bill we had to blow them with. Neither of us thought twice about ingesting since it was our first time because we had been so use to blowing Percocet and vacating with ease. I might have done otherwise, but my lack of judgment was quite poor already from the vodka. We proceeded to empty out the tiny beads into our cellophanes, fold them up, and have at them with the lighter. We line them up and both took down the whole 30mg each in one run. I can remember sitting there sucking down any drip I could pull into my throat, having a slow onset of drowsiness and relaxation. After about 15 minutes of talking and me playing the guitar we both agreed it was time to hit up the 2nd and last one.
I remember myself feeling extreme relaxation not giving a fuck about my paper due on Thursday or a damn thing. I sunk so deep into thought I forgot J was in the room for a couple of minutes until he spoke up over the music.
Both of us feeling pretty damn good we decided to leave the room and go knock on some girls doors to check out for potential partiers... The first room we stopped at J already knew the one girl but the other he wasn’t sure of. He told me the one girl was real chill and wouldn’t care so not to worry about the constant and irritating sniffling and sucking coming from our noses and throats. We stepped inside and within 5 seconds I heard J clap his hands slightly. This was the sign all of us decided to do for me if something wasn’t cool, such as an RA, or just anyone we weren’t sure about so I don’t anything that could potentially get us busted. We did the hellos and introductions and it finally hit me, one of the best feelings from a drug I’ve had in awhile.
I can remember hearing voices but I was so lost in thought and taking in the feeling of being yipped up that I paid no attention at all. Finally I snapped out of it thanks to J. “Dude, you want to sit down right here on the floor?” I replied slowly, “Uh….ya, ya man cool.” The feeling of overwhelming excitement, confidence, inspiration, and being hyped up just intensified with every passing minute. I wanted to get out of that room, not because we were unsure of the second girl, only because the thought of sitting down and still was the exact opposite of what my body wanted to do. The drips don’t help the situation at all either, but I didn’t care. I explained I simply had a cold…HAH!
Time seemed to fly by and mine and J’s conversation and speed only increased. Countless times interrupting one another, not intentionally being rude, from both being so eager to say what was on our minds... I vaguely remember from our conversation getting deeper and deeper, but I’m quite sure neither of the two girls said much as neither of us gave them a chance. I can still text, I just have to put my face closer to my cell and after another 15 minutes went by I sent J a text, “Dude, lets bounce and go grab another.” Seconds later, “FUCK yak!” We proceeded back down to the room and on the way I noticed something very unnerving. The sight which I did have was slowly becoming worse and worse, which I dictated to J who said no more after this next one then. Which I agreed not realizing at the time how much of a natural fiend I was.
J insisted that I didn’t get anymore cause of my one good eye showing bad signs. I agreed to make him happy and we decided to go meet up with R & B who was in another girl’s dorm different from the last. J got into conversation and I proceeded to pull R outside the room. Telling him I was too jacked up to get another one and asking if he would, aware at the fact I had been cut off. I gave him the money, he returned, and I headed back to my room using an excuse like “Be right back guys, got to go do some eye drops okay?”
I remember having to lie on my bed and just rest due to trouble breathing and heavy sweating. Plus I was just completely yipped up and I needed to take in the 90mgs of Ritalin in thought. I lied there thinking about life, my future career, my life in general. Thinking to myself aloud, fuck I need to get on that paper for Thursday now. Did I clean my snake’s cage today? Piss, I need to do some laundry. Then, another direction hit me like a wave.
Will I be an addict forever? Why is J fine with 3 and I needed yet another, pushing me to 120mg once I do it plus continuous vodka drinking, but not like normally, much less…for now. Quickly after that thought I remember saying aloud to nobody, “Fuuuuuuck it man I don’t give a fuck I’m skiin.” In a voice I couldn’t believe was mine, as if I was replying to someone. I blew the 4th one and after so long it kicked in…but this time unlike the last few. HARD! The 3rd had already been going and the 4th was hitting me like a freight train. I paced my room for about 5 minutes until I got a knock at my door by R & J. Who came to make sure I was alright and make me aware they know I pulled one behind both of them. J speaks, “Man, you said you were done after the 3rd I thought cause your eyes?” “Dude, I’m fine my eyes aren’t really that bad anymore.” Which was a bullshit lie if there ever was one? I went from good center vision to blurry vision so bad I had trouble walking my own dorm.
I have never been so fucked up before to the point of vision loss like that. Until I realized that R made a good point. “Dude, don’t you fucking have glaucoma a long with the other issues!? No wonder your sight is horrible the stimulants are playing on your eye pressure.” But I didn’t give a fuck; I shrugged what he said off to change the subject and suggested going outside to smoke. It was still cold as fuck out, so R went in and J stayed out as we chain smoked one after another. The conversation was extremely deep and full of emotion, admitting stuff we never have before to one another, our viewpoints on various subjects.
But as deep as it was my memory of detail is very limited. I was too focused on concentrating on the incredible feeling at hand. Pure bliss, not a care in the fucking world, confident more than ever before feeling like I’m on top of the world wanting to get up and run forgetting about security but the sight stopped me. It was around 30 degrees outside yet I had no idea I was so entrapped in my thoughts. I finally snapped out of it as we took our conversation deeper for another 30 minutes or so before going back in. Not realizing till it was pointed out, and getting back in the whole time snapping my fingers for the slightly bit of stimulation I could achieve.
The next I was NOT ready for…the come down. I wasn’t aware, nor I had I been informed of it. I went from loving life, confident, wanting to run a mile, and euphoria. Straight to the complete opposite of the part I loved so much. Despair, depressed, anxiety to the point my body was in a full visual tremble to anyone around me, hands being the most noticeable. My heart was racing. I wanted it to be over, I wanted more to cease this horrible unexpected fall from 1000ft straight to the ground within what seemed like minutes.
The dude who had it denied having more. I immediately left from an anxiety rush I hope to never endure again. I thought, “Holy FUCK I just barged in there asking, who all was in the room? They’re going to beat on me…I’m fucking screwed. The walk two flights up to my dorm and down the halls were just as worse. I felt like I was being watched from every corner and every peep hole. Making it to my room, still freaking out and heart racing so fast I thought it was near explosion I lied on my bed not knowing what to do with myself. Now just like the high but complete opposite again, every second passed sent me deeper and deeper into the horrible, agonizing, come down of this thought to be incredible drug which only sent me into wave after wave of absolute paranoia. Thinking I was hearing knocks and voices outside my room talking about me, wanting to get me busted for my current state?
Each hour that passes it gets worse so I turn to the bottle of vodka. Chugging it and not worrying about chasing. By the time the sun came up I had less than a quarter left and could not acquire my drunk I wanted so badly in hopes to ease this suffering. I walked around the campus that morning after finishing the vodka an hour or so later and smoked a full pack of cigarettes and then some. Calling everyone and their mother I knew who did any drug to find me more methyl or phets, no luck. I went back to my room to lie down and fell into such a depressed state I lied there with a blank stare and thoughts going 100 miles a minute, falling in an out of consciousness many times but unaware of the times exactly.
T 8:00.00 (Return to Room – Real Time – 10:00am)
The feeling the morning after from a night of 120mg of Ritalin and a ½ gallon of vodka was unimaginable. I was truly waiting for myself to pass out with all thoughts of never waking again. I was so afraid, from my history with drug rehabs, of getting caught on that much Ritalin and vodka being underage that I chose possible death over 911. That night still and will forever haunt me.
It took a solid two to three days to fully regain the vision I had prior to these events. I didn’t care during it all but thinking I caused more vision loss once I came down, only made it 10x worse.
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