Citation: Charlie C. "Feels Like Kicking Jesus: An Experience with Heroin (exp72916)". Erowid.org. Dec 19, 2020. erowid.org/exp/72916
I've used all kinds of drugs for more than half my life (I'm 29 years old) - a fact I just recently realized. I'm an example of a well-known combination of a curious, self-destructive and somewhat damaged boy who sometime in his late childhood decided that weed and whatnot was preferable to any other pastime.
So, three years ago, I started smoking brown heroin and has done so almost everyday since. Please excuse that my H lingo is not of your standards, I am Danish and try my best just to put these thoughts down in English, and therefore do not know whether it's called Black Tar or whatever. It's the brown powder that melts into a nice dark brown caramel-ish matter, smokable on tin foil.
Me and my (now ex-)girlfriend are musicians and were very into the classic rock and roll image that heroin has acquired, and so we started smoking into together. Sometimes we also smoked something which in Copenhagen is called Yellow Pakistani, harder to liquify and smoke, but more potent.
Predictably, dope got between us even when money weren't short, and we parted ways, although we to this day still play in the same band.
We both got into a free Buprenorphine/Suboxone program instead and while 4-8mg/day of that shit does it for me, it has also made me realize, that I can't answer a positive, clear and confident 'Yes' when asked if I want to quit heroin. I've even started shooting instead of smoking, and that has just made my 'Yes' even more muffled.
I fucking love my habit like a Christian loves Jesus and I'm no longer that convinced that I want to quit completely.
Right now, as I am writing this, I am on my sixth day without doing dope on top of my medication. I am visiting my mum in the far outskirts of rural Denmark, and thus, completely unable to score. I am going insane waiting for Saturday, where I am going to one of my friends' wedding and where another of my friends will bring me dope and gear. I know that I'll probably just need a shot of a quarter gram to get high and even less to get comfortable for a while.
I'm reading every heroin account I can right now, vividly imagining needles through skin, bloated veins, the drawn back blood in the syringe, the push, the pull, the push and the motherfucking rush over and over and over and over and over again and again...
Kicking this habit feels like kicking Jesus.
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