Citation: Nog. "A Falling Star: An Experience with MDMA (exp72835)". Erowid.org. Feb 10, 2018. erowid.org/exp/72835
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The following is an objective account of my personal ecstasy use over the past seven years. The purpose of this document is to contribute to the body of unbiased information on this subject, which is unfortunately polluted by exaggerated and unconvincing claims from those with agendas against entheogens, or those caught in the fantastical honeymoon of psychopharmacological experimentation.
Ecstasy is a street drug. When ecstasy was made illegal, criminals got involved. To maximize profits, criminals began to include other additives in the tablets they distribute. Since the beginning of my ecstasy use when I was 18 years of age, I've been very careful to exhaust every avenue of certainty available to me to protect myself from unclean pills. Testing kits have been employed 100% of the time. However, since these methods are not foolproof, it is pertinent to note that the following accounts cannot be correctly ascribed directly to pure MDMA.
Many people will identify with the overwhelming feelings of love, connectedness, and empathy associated with my first dose of MDMA. The experience was intense, joyous, and punctuated my life. Quite literally, the experience left me feeling as though my 'life before ecstasy' had ceased, and my 'life after ecstasy' had begun. I felt washed clean; the traumas of my youth and young adulthood had been swept away like pictures drawn in sand, and I felt renewed. After the experience, I suffered no ill effects. I glowed for several days, and those around me noticed changes in my behavior which denoted a much more positive outlook. The date was May 5th, 2001, and it is an occasion I have honored every year since. Truly, it was a life-changing experience.
Only ten days later, I took ecstasy a second time. The date was May 15th, 2001. The same feelings overwhelmed again this time, though the duration was much shorter. This time, the afterglow persisted only for one day. On May 17th, I felt unusually flat and without affect. On May 18th, everything went wrong. A blinding depression took over my mind, and I lost all rational control of my actions. I endured crashing waves of anger, devastating periods of loneliness, and a suffocating sadness. My sleep was sporadic, and food appeared repulsive. These feelings manifested outwardly in the form of damaged walls, broken furniture, and so forth. I ended up in a closet riding out the effect for the next 12 hours. After this experience, I felt it necessary to do some more thorough research in to MDMA. The documentation about serotonin depletion, receptor down regulation, and oxidative stress offered me insight in to my condition.
I reasoned to limit my Ecstasy use to twice per year, with a minimum of three months in between each dose. I also dedicated myself to a pre and post-loading regimen which included 5-HTP and antioxidants. I never experienced the uncontrollable depression a second time, but neither did I regain the ecstatic euphoria of those original experiences.
I never experienced the uncontrollable depression a second time, but neither did I regain the ecstatic euphoria of those original experiences.
This seemed paradoxical to me: many of my friends and family seemed to be able to approach ecstasy with utter carelessness, and still capture the empathy and open heart each time, with no severe side effects. Why was I different? To this day, I do not have an explanation.
Since May 15th, 2001, to the present date of July 28th, 2008, my experiences with Ecstasy have numbered a total of 16. Each experience has been progressively less satisfying than the previous experience, and on each occasion the unpleasant after effects were increased. Now, the severity of the after effects have begun to outweigh the benefits of the acute effects, and as a result I've made the decision to abandon this entheogen altogether.
My most recent experience with Ecstasy was on July 19th, 2008. The drug put me in to a quiet and introspective state of mind, and I used this as an opportunity to explore some of the neuroses that dominated my thinking. I considered jealousy deeply, and contemplated its value in a civilized society, noting that it is perhaps one of the most destructive feelings humans grant license to. I then moved on to anger, which seemed to have some motivational value, but in the end appeared mostly useless. There was a calm resolve to abandon these states: I was not particularly energized or enthusiastic. I handled these thoughts as one would handle a mathematical equation. When the experience was over, I found it difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult to remain asleep. In the end I only achieved about 4 hours of frequently interrupted sleep.
The next day was brutal. I could not interact with other human beings, and avoided them at all costs. Ironically, I found myself uncontrollably jealous of others' accomplishments, be them internal or external. I resented them for being what they are. I was irrationally angry, and found that minor annoyances had the power to enrage me. Knowing this to be a side effect of the MDMA, I managed to maintain control of my actions. I rode out the after effects in quiet solitude, not wanting to allow such negativity to affect those I care about deeply. My ecstasy honeymoon was officially over. It was time for a divorce.
I will not take the drug again. However, I won't hesitate to recommend it to somebody else. In spite of all the difficulty I've had with MDMA, I still champion the substance as one which revolutionized my life, and served as the kick-off for a future much richer than otherwise would have been. The advice I would give to new MDMA users would be to use great caution: the science surrounding this drug is ambiguous at best, and the experiential accounts of many users suggest that at least for some people, MDMA poses potentially serious problems. As with all entheogens: know your mind, know your body, and know your source.
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