Citation: Cache. "The Ultimate Evil Destroying Life: An Experience with LSD (exp72427)". Erowid.org. May 27, 2010. erowid.org/exp/72427
||(blotter / tab)
My trip took me to hell on earth, literally. I saw and knew in my head that in every second someone is dying and that they are going to die the most painful and ugliest looking death and suffer until there´s no being alive. The whole humankind was about to be destroyed by Death.
It was my first trip and i had been waiting for it since i smoke my first weed sometime in junior high and got to know what drugs are about. At first i knew i might not be ready, since i had done some research of how the drug works and heard tons of crazy stories starting from a guy who ate his whole shoe; another one who made himself a nest out of cardboard and old newspapers and stayed there for days; a group who drove into the black hole in the beginning of the trip and remembered nothing after this. But most of people just see fractals, patterns and enchanting beauty in everything and can chill out in the party or in the crowds.
I have to say i was mentally a bit fucked, since i was just coming out of depression what had lasted for about two years. That´s why i may have experienced what i did. But i still descided to take it because i had a chance, and LSD is not something one could find often in the place i´m from.
I think i got depressed because i had doubts in myself about not becoming a 'proper” adult, not having a good job and being worried about what to study since my mind changes a lot. And the second thing was probably that i had had death breathing on my neck for ten years of time. From 10 years of age until 20 i lost my dad through car accident by drunk driver, my biological father drank himself to death, my uncle got killed by electric shock when he went to repair the powerlines at grandmas place. Then a first guy friend i had in school and with whom i was just getting really close to. One day he was found dead next to 16-storey building. No one knows did he jump/was pushed/fell, because he might have been high or just had some trouble with his bosses with some dealing money or stuff. Plus grandma and grandfather too, but those were by natural deaths. And many pets that kids especially love.
There was three of us taking acid for the first time plus one girl who had tried it once or twice before and agreed to keep an eye on us. We each had a blotter out of Jaggers Lips sheet and then our watcher took us for a ride near to small city where one folk music festival was taking place. So there were hippie-like and hippie minded people around the city.
The first weirdness came over us about 30 minutes later when we were still at the car. It felt strange and was pretty strong (but somewhat acquainted because we all had taken shrooms before) and sort of ugly, because I saw faces slowly distorting. We went to some field and sat down on the ground and then the most magical things started to happen. The ultimate synesthesia, where I see sounds and hear colors, where fractals buzz through my mind and sing me the ultimate beauty and happiness through the vocal chords out from this everyday world. We were the colors of the fractals.
After the first peak the drug let us calm down for a while, we went to the car and drove back to city to take a walk. Thats where my mind started alternating between two realities, besides the one i was actually in. I don´t remember it thouroughly at what point it happened, but i started noticing bad things around me happening. At one reality i was an old hippie who´s priorities for my understanding were nicely set. It was all about the goodness and right way of living, very down to earth and nature/people friendly.
And the other reality where i was started showing me all the messed up and just bad things. How traffic is not well organized and people get killed by accidents (by drunken drivers for example). How kids hurt themselves with glass shards‚ when they play at the same playground where youngsters drank the night before and broke bottles by throwing them because they´re in that state where they just don´t care. How fucked it is that nowdays your looks and how much you weigh is so important, for example old hippie had saggier boobs and the other reality needed plastic surgery to keep nice tits. But you can´t stay young forever and fight the nature, right?!
Anyway, at one point i saw that my friend had jumped from the bridge to the river (he actually went swimming), but the waterlevel was too low and there was a stone where he hit himself when he jumped into the water (there were no „be careful” or „no swimming” signs, which showed again how things are not taken care of in public places). He came out all bloody. And accidents around me started to happen and I started feeling all the pain people around me were feeling.
Then my friends started walking me back to our car, because i was going pretty crazy. I could not watch children crossing the street and started screaming because of the danger i could see coming; i saw them getting hit by a car. My friends in my realm had a car accident too. The guy was barely walking and had little pieces of glass from car windows in his throat from the hit and he couldn´t breath properly. The girl who was driving us around and taking care of us had had the biggest injuries from the impact in her stomach. Her face was purple, swollen and i saw through her shirt that all her insides were freakily messed up and shirt was the only thing keeping her together.
It was like rotten.com and the madest photos about killing and accidents and torturing people, stuff what you accidentaly see in the web for example. Add some of the sickest thrillers and scary movies you´ve seen from different eras and countries. And that feeling what you might get if you see a weekend afternoon in the lovely town and everyone you meet dying at any second. Everywhere i looked, there was a hardcore battlefield, but not just something you see in war movie. Add women, kids and messy accidents with extra blood and guts everywhere around. We even had police coming to talk to us at some point, but my friend just said this is the hippie tripping and that it´s better to let me be, since theres nothing to do with me anyway.
I started crying because it naturally makes you cry if you see what i saw, plus the extra knowledge of every single being dying. First people i was with, then my family and friends and everyone else one after another. I cryied hysterically, when that bad reality (BR) filter came on to me. At one point my nose was blocked from that crazy crying and i just could not breath normally. I did not think of blowing my nose, because at that point i was most of the time in bad reality screaming. And when i was back in that old hippie reality i just tried to catch my breath because i knew in any seconds that bloody filter comes over my vision and thoughts and i feel the sickest pain again.
I felt like my head and heart were squeezed by the insanity i experienced. I had lumps of blood gurgling in my throat and taste of it in my mouth all the time i was in BR. I could not breath normally, because i cried madly and could not catch my breath all the time plus the snot factor (tons of it dripping out of my nose).
Finally shifts between two realities became less frequent as the drug was leaving my system. It took about 4-5 hours since we took acid and it was oh-such-a-relief to get out from it.
I slept the whole day after the trip, just got up to eat or wee and i didn´t really spoke a word throught the week after it. I was just so shaken and stirred. It took me few weeks after i could talk about what really happened to friends who were with me, and it still made me shaky and filled my eyes with tears.
I still wonder how i can possibly have all this in my head without ever seeing so many ugliness and warped ideas and acts in my life. I guess we just all know everything and are part of everything (infinity) and have the essence of things in us, but are not capable to see all that, because of the simple form most of us are in (outcluded rainman, geniuses and all types of beings called witches, madmen, psychos, religion freaks etc).
I did the same Rolling Stone blotter in two parts few months later (alone), because i sort of needed to slowly become friends again with the drug since i needed to face that state i was in. I got some weak flashbacks from the trip and shed some big tears without crying. But i want to take acid again and get more of that power this drug has a to offer. But i´m afraid of something similary sick to happen (i´m a bit of a weirdo anyway) and that what keeps me cautios.
Even after almost a year since the trip i find new nuances-answers-ideas from it and see how powerful this thing is on top of our shoulders. It made my paths in time and space more clearer, confirmed that tolerance, empathy and similar things i have thought of as important are extremely valuable. And although it was the ultimate pain possible to go through for me, because it always hurts worst in your heart and soul than in your physical body, i would not exchange the experience. It´s just that you never know where you might go.
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