Citation: N. "Control: An Experience with Cocaine (exp72339)". Erowid.org. Sep 16, 2014. erowid.org/exp/72339
||(powder / crystals)
Although my views on cocaine appear negative in this report, you must understand becoming addicted to coke is where my negativity lies. I personally believe that blowing coke is a great high and worth the money. I just feel that I should warn you that it is highly addictive, and that it is dangerous to become involved in it.
As a freshmen in high school, about 14 years old at the time, I had been slowly but surely introduced to cocaine. Before my first experience with the drug I had already smoked pot daily, popped or snorted plenty of painkillers and antidepressants, and smoked a pack of Newports a day. I had what some like to call an “addictive personality” at that time in my life. I had no clue where it would lead me in the next few months.
I had met up with someone I consider a brother (we can call him J) and he told me he tried something new. He explained his first experience with blow and I was a bit aggravated, honestly because the drug scared me, but I understood the desire to try new things. I wanted nothing to do with it at the time, but within the next few weeks J was doing more and more, and eventually he offered me a small amount to numb out my mouth. I pressed my finger on the pile and rubbed it in my lips and teeth. From that second I was hooked. I loved the chemical taste, the tingling all the way down my throat, everything. J asked if I would like a small bump, and I just couldn’t refuse. I remember the first line like it was yesterday. Within seconds I felt such a head rush I needed to sit down. The euphoria set in and the numb feeling in the back of my throat felt as if it was spreading to my whole body. I explained to J what I felt and just couldn’t stop talking. I loved it. And I wanted more.
From that point on I would occasionally buy small amounts with J, usually no more than .5g for both of us. Sometimes he would take me with him to pickup, and I met a lot of people involved with coke. They would toss lines around like it was their job, asking for nothing in return but for me to just enjoy myself. I thought they were my best friends. That was my biggest downfall. I began hanging out with them a lot more, with J of course, and steadily started blowing much heavier lines. I began spending a lot of the money I made on the drug. What I had failed to realize at the time was that when I paid more the people I was with would pay less and less, until I was basically paying for everyone.
I loved the lifestyle so much though, that I just kept going along with it. I was happy, I was hanging out with people out of high school when I was a freshman and they all seemed to be such good friends. This “lifestyle” continued for a few months, getting progressively worse. Eventually my girlfriend caught on and tried to help, but she had no clue what to do or where to begin. Finally she decided she couldn’t handle it and broke up with me. I was completely heartbroken. I wanted to stop the shit but when I wasn’t geeked I was miserable over the fact that she had left me. I felt sick sometimes, and couldn’t handle being sober for more than a day or two at most.
At this point I started realizing what had happened to me. I wasn’t miserable and sick because the girl I loved left me anymore, I was clearly addicted. I would go on a binge every weekend, spending unreasonable amounts of money on the drug. I didn’t see my parents much anymore, and the only friends I had left were the cokeheads I was with every day. Things still got much worse in my near future.
Soon my grades began failing in school, mostly because through ought the day if I couldn’t sneak a line in the bathroom I felt as if I was coming down. When I was with my “friends” we would collect thousands of dollars weekly and buy gram after gram until we were broke. We made the cash by stealing credit cards and money from our parents, saving quarters, and making weekly visits to the pawn shop selling whatever we could get our hands on, as well as our regular jobs. I didn’t care about anything else at this time except blowing a line. During the little sleep I got, I dreamed about coke and how I was going to get it. I couldn’t wait for that next head rush, although by this time it took a lot more than a bump to get me tweaked. I didn’t socialize much anymore. I felt as if nothing was really interesting anymore, except the next fix. I had no emotions left. The only person I could say I cared about at the time was J. And he was just as bad as I was by this time, if not worse. All we were now were empty shells of what we used to be.
Then the big crackdown began. It started with my friend “D” withdrawing about 2 grand from his friends mom’s bank account and later that week overdosing at a gas station and having a heart attack. During the time he was hospitalized his friend’s mother filed a report about the $2000 withdrawal, and the bank caught him on camera. Last I knew of D he was facing 3rd degree larceny and possession with the intention to distribute. After that our main dealer got busted and squealed about a lot of his business, getting a lot of people into trouble. By this point me and J didn’t have too many safe options left if we were to continue the habit. We did continue though, although not much longer. Money started growing tight and we started pawning off his mothers jewelry to pay the bills. We did realize that we were the only two left out of our group of friends that didn’t get sent to another state or arrested, and now after a full school year of blowing lines we needed to stop because we were next. We decided that when we got out of school we would stop, mostly because J was visiting another state to see his father for the summer. We spent the last day together with about 3 grams.
The next day he was gone and I was a mess. I couldn’t function for a good few weeks afterward, but did stay clean. It’s not like I had a choice anymore anyway there was nobody left in my life that could get it for me without being arrested. I was also without the only true best friend I had left. I thought it would only be temporary, but when Js mother found out about the jewelry she told him that she was on to his addiction and to stay with his father because she couldn’t take it anymore. Now I was truly alone.
I spent the most of my summer in my room, dealing with the worst withdraws anyone could imagine. I considered suicide many times because I couldn’t deal with both the emotional and physical pain the lack of cocaine brought upon me. Over time things did get better for me though. After about 2 months into summer I began feeling human again. I gained weight, slept more, and started talking to old friends again. I even found myself a new girlfriend which helped a lot.
I may have only been 14-15 years old when all this happened, but addiction doesn’t judge anyone. I was caught up in blow just as badly as any other addict.
In my opinion, cocaine, and its big brother crack, is the worst drug to become addicted to. It is easily available, decently cheap, and one of the best feelings money can buy. People will use you to get, as I realized with my group of “friends” a few years later. It strips you of everything you care about and you become distant to all that you once cherished.
Although becoming addicted will lead you to disaster, the occasional bump or two is acceptable in my eyes. I have reacquainted with coke since all this happened, but one thing I learned is that it honestly is ok, as long as you keep control. If you can’t control it you will be consumed by it. The reason I wrote this experience was not only to share the dangers of cocaine, but more importantly to remind myself that now I am in control.
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