Citation: Polar. "Giving into Oxy: An Experience with Oxycontin (exp72027)". Erowid.org. Oct 19, 2012. erowid.org/exp/72027
I gave in. I admit it. It’s 4:30 in the morning and for the past five grueling hours since I went to sleep, I’ve been waking up every twenty minutes or so in immense pain and suffering. They call this, withdrawal. I call it, hell. Terrible body aches, nightmares, uncontrollable sweating, pounding headaches; the works. However, that all went away about five minutes ago when I did that first line. Relief in the form of a white powder. I gave in. I admit it. I’m addicted to Oxycontin.
Did this addiction happen overnight? No. Nothing like this ever happens overnight. In fact, it wasn't that easy for me to get addicted, it actually took quite a long time before it started being a habit. Every story has a beginning and this one is no exception, however, two years later, I’m still looking for an ending. It all started in the summer of 2006. I was 21. At that time, the only drug I’d ever tried was weed. My whole life I had completely sworn off drugs and swore I would never do anything besides pot and I certainly never had an addictive personality; I always kept myself in check. I had started hanging out with a new group of people in my town. This excited me because ever since moving to this area I didn’t have very many friends, if any. But now I had a bunch. I figured they were a perfect match for me because they loved to party and hell, so did I. After about a month of hanging out with them, a few of them started trying oxy. I had only heard of it like once and I really didn't know what it was. Still, I kept my ground and always turned down a line when it was offered to me. One night, however, I got pretty drunk and I guess you can say my curiosity, as well as my drunkenness, got the best of me. I was told oxy was “innocent,” it was “no big deal,” and it was only a “prescription drug.” Oh how they were so wrong! So when I was offered a line in the bathroom that night I finally decided to give in. The guy took a razor blade, chopped off a small chunk of the pill, and proceeded to crush it up with a credit card right there on the counter near the sink. He formed two decent sized lines and handed me a dollar bill. We did a little “cheers” with our bills and snorted the powder away. I didn’t really notice anything, but I remember really liking the rush of snorting something up my nose. It was dangerous. It was crazy. It was wild. Maybe it was because I was too drunk, but I never really noticed feeling the oxy that night. Anyways, time went on, and every now and then I would be offered a line, and I gladly accepted. At first, I never saw the hype about it. I couldn’t understand why these guys liked it so much because every time I did it, it was just “okay” and nothing too special. I couldn’t understand why they would spend so much money on this “innocent” prescription drug. However, that all changed one warm, August night in my friend’s apartment. I had been drinking a few margaritas that night so I had a nice buzz going. I wasn’t drunk which turned out to be why I finally felt the true effects of oxy. In fact, having a nice alcohol buzz, I later realized, was the best way to do oxy, but certainly not the safest way. Alcohol is a central-nervous system depressant just as oxy is, and mixing the two is very dangerous. Do as I say, not as I do, please. Anyways, I was feeling pretty damn good that night, and one of my friends offered me a pretty sizeable line of oxy. It was definitely the biggest line I had done up to this point so I was pretty excited, not to mention it was free. So my buddy handed me a bill, I rolled it up, bent down and snorted the line right there on the counter next to the sink. OMG. The effects were immediate. All of the sudden I was in total bliss. The world was right. My body was right. I felt incredible. It was pure euphoria in its highest form. I walked into the living room and sat on the couch and just stared at the TV which was playing those colorful visualization things you usually see at raves. The lights were low and there was some nice techno music playing. Obviously, there were a bunch of people dropping ecstasy that night which explains the setting. All of my friends decided to go down to the pool and asked if I wanted to go. I could barely move. I just looked at them and shook my head no. For the next 45 minutes I sat on that couch by myself in complete and total bliss. It was the best feeling I had ever felt in my entire life. Just sitting there on that couch by myself was amazing. With this overwhelming feeling of warmth, I decided to text some girls I knew. Oxy puts you in this mood where you’re so incredibly happy and you feel like you can do anything, including ask girls out you were otherwise too shy to talk to. The point is, that night I text my future girlfriend, who at that time was just a girl I had gone out with on one date and we hadn’t talked for over a month after that. I struck up a conversation with her while I was high as fuck and we set up another date. The confidence of feeling like superman is one of the many perks of this drug. Anyways, after that night, I started getting more interested in this once “mystery” drug. I started asking my friends all the time if they had some and eventually I bought my first pill for myself. It was an 80 mg oxy and it lasted me two weeks. To this day, I can’t believe how it lasted me that long as now I can do that same pill in two days or less. Eventually, that girl I had texted that night became my girlfriend. She was very against drug use of any kind and really wanted me to quit oxy. At that time I wasn’t even really addicted as it was still pretty new to me. So after a couple of weeks of trying to quit I finally quit it. It was relatively easy to quit because I hadn’t been doing it that long and I loved my girlfriend way more than a lousy drug. I was completely clean off of it for the next four or five months and it wasn’t even a big deal to me. My girlfriend had replaced any void in me that the drug had left. However, I soon got a new job and it became very stressful. Once in a while I would take a percocet or something while at work so it would calm me down and help me do my job better. The stress of my job eventually convinced me to start doing oxy again, just to calm myself and make my time at work better. My girlfriend was totally against it but I finally convinced her I would be okay. So I bought one 80 mg pill and it was so nice to be doing it again. I would do it at work, at home, but mainly on the weekends while partying. This is when it started becoming a habit. I soon found myself doing it all the time. When I woke up, before work, at work, after work, at night, and before I went to bed. At that time however, I didn’t realize yet it was becoming a problem. The first time I realized it was a problem was about three months after I started using again. I went on a trip to Hawaii with my girlfriend and my family. I knew we would be doing tons of partying and I couldn’t go without my oxy. We were there for two weeks. It was the most amazing two weeks of my entire life. I was partying every night. For thirteen straight nights I was completely drunk and high on oxy. My girlfriend and I had our own super nice condo which made it all the better. Being with my girlfriend made being high on oxy the most incredible experience even though she never used at all. Not even once. She’s obviously a smart girl. Anyways, one night in Hawaii I got really sick so I wasn’t in any mood to party so I decided not to use oxy that night. I didn’t think it’d be any big deal; I was very wrong. I woke up at around 6 am the next day and was in terrible pain. I had felt slight withdrawals from oxy several times before but nothing like this so I knew exactly what it was. I was just very surprised at the intensity this time. I couldn’t fall back asleep as the pain was un-bearable. I had a bunch of Narcos I had jacked from someone a few days before so I took one of those and finally I got some relief and was able to sleep. I now knew though that I had a problem. However, after getting back from Hawaii, I was still using just as frequently for the next few months until finally I realized I had to quit.
If I hadn’t run out of hooks to get Oxy, I probably never would have quit that time, which is pathetic, but it’s the truth. Luckily, I had a friend who had a prescription to Suboxone, which is a medication doctors use to help people get off of Oxycontin. It really is a great medication. It takes all of the withdrawals away because it is an opioid in itself. It also has a chemical in it called nalaxone, which blocks any kind of opiate entering the system. So even if you try to get high, it just won’t work. I was told that if I ever wanted to get high again I should quit suboxone for about three days, and that’s just not true. You can get high after only about 24 hours. Anyways, the point is, I had a consistent supply of suboxone so I was able to get on that and get off the oxy. Basically, you’re supposed to start on a high dosage of suboxone, then eventually taper off. You get addicted to the suboxone, but it’s about a million times easier to get off of suboxone than oxycontin. However, you will still go through withdrawal and because suboxone has a half-life of about 36 hours, your withdrawals will last a lot longer. I was on suboxone for about a month and a half. It was a very hard and depressing period. I had a missing void in me that the oxy had left. Nothing seemed exciting anymore. Even on suboxone I was just so depressed. Finally, one day I decided to just suck it up, and stop taking the suboxone. I was tired of being dependent on something just to go on with each day. So for the next 3 days I was basically stuck in bed in horrible pain. It was really bad. Getting off the suboxone was not easy at all. However, finally after about 3 or 4 days the worst was over and after a couple weeks I was pretty much back to normal physically. Mentally, I was still depressed and there was still a void, but I guess that’s something that will always be there. I was clean for a couple months, but unfortunately, I think the only reason I was clean was because I couldn’t find anyone who was dealing oxy. Looking back, I think not being able to find a dealer was a good thing because eventually I did find a dealer, and I did give in. I thought I was no longer addicted and I could keep it under control. Guess what? I was wrong.
I ended up being clean for about two months until eventually I got in touch with an old friend/oxy addict who got me back on the wagon. I would give my left nut to get those two months back, and then make the decision to not start using again. I thought I would be able to keep things in check, and only use on the weekends. Unfortunately, once you’re hooked, that’s impossible. All you think about is getting high, and feeling that beautiful sensation in your nose when the powder hits you. The problem always begins when you have great access to the drug, and plenty of money. You think to yourself, “Why the hell should I not get high?” Well, there are actually about a million reasons why you shouldn’t get high and only one why you should—because it feels good. I have been using consistently ever since then with the exception of a couple two-week breaks and a one-month break. I always feel so good during those breaks when my head is finally clear and I start feeling normal again, but eventually I end up giving in to the white powder. So I have a choice to make, and if anyone is reading this and finds themselves in the same predicament as me, you have a choice as well. You got yourself into this mess, now get yourself out. It’s your choice and no one else’s. Do not blame everyone else for your problems. You have to look deep inside your soul and find that true greatness and the will to survive. Do not let oxy win. You can win.
I have to win eventually. My life depends on it. My relationship with my girlfriend depends on it. My relationship with my family and my friends depends on it. I know one day I will get off this stuff and I cannot wait until that day. I always give in to Oxycontin, I just hope one day Oxycontin gives into me.
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