Citation: James C.. "The Beauty of Struggle: An Experience with MDMA & Nitrous Oxide (exp71091)". Erowid.org. Aug 11, 2013. erowid.org/exp/71091
One of my good friends (T) always loved ecstasy. He frequently called it his favorite drug. I never had a strong desire to try the drug, but my experience with acid blew my mind (and it wasn't a breakthrough dose) and I wanted to experience something which this friend appreciated even more. So, upon finding out about a 'rave', a bunch of us got extremely excited and drove out one night. I played designated driver because I had an exam to study for the next day and wouldn't be taking anything. It just turned out to be open bowling with rave music. Despite this, it was still very easy to find E. We bought some and two of my friends dropped (buying an extra four rolls for a date in the future). One friend only took one and had a slight roll, T took two and rolled very well. We were bored while bowling and left relatively early, going back to my friends apartment so that we could mix drinks. We stayed out until 8 in the morning, simply talking and listening to random techno music.
Two weeks later we found a day that the three of us could drop, it was nearing the end of finals week and most people were wrapping up with school. I was in a rather good mood for an unknown reason, probably because I was looking forward to my first ecstasy encounter.
[T=0] I was not anxious in the slightest when T and I took the ecstasy. We were going to wait for another one of our friends, C, but it was getting late and neither T nor myself wanted to be up for a while. However, I had no idea that anything on this planet could be that bitter.
[T=.25] T and I went outside to the porch and smoked a joint between the two of us, ensuring a steady come up. A group of other people including my girlfriend (most of whom knew that T and I took the ecstasy) went outside on the porch to smoke some hookah and a cigarette or two. I was a bit on the chilly side when we were out so I went over to my bag and pulled out my track jacket. The back had a small amount of mud on it. I couldn't figure out how the mud got on my jacket as I could not perceive a way for mud to touch my jacket without both of which being inside my bag (because I didn't know that my jacket was muddy outside of the bag). I then took everything out of my bag and looked for this mud. T laughed with me as he had missed my initial reasoning for this mud search.
[T=1.25] I was slightly coming up. However, I didn't think that this would be a strong experience so I went back inside and took my second roll. I quickly went back outside and started feeling the first roll strongly. Damn. I got over that fact quickly and was happy to know that this would be a strong experience.
[T=1.5] T and I decided that we wanted to hear a certain song. We went back inside and played that song. We also filled up a balloon of nitrous and inhaled that. I was tripping very hard when I was done with my balloon. The things that my eyes saw were clearly overlaid with the things my ears saw. Red/green/blue dots swirling around the room with a pattern completely derived from the music. I typically experience synesthesia easily but never before had I really seen sound with my eyes wide open like this. The nitrous wore off quickly, as typical. And the only functioning balloon we had popped, making my girlfriend feel very uncomfortable. I felt exactly what she was feeling (despite my lack of fear of balloons) and wanted nothing more than to see her happy again. I realized that I should not feel sad about this intense desire to make her happy, it simply made me realize how strong my feelings are for her. C got back from the movies and took his roll.
[T=3] M offered a quick run to a party store to buy balloons and glow sticks seeing as he didn't take any ecstasy and wanted to have some nitrous. We got there too late, they had already closed. We decided to go see the sunset at the local park. Tactility felt fantastic. Everything that I touched or touched me felt so completely new and different. We sat at the top of the park, on a beautiful hill overlooking the city (with the sun setting below the buildings). I felt so strongly connected to the three people around me (T, M, and my girlfriend). I said to everyone that I thought that I was peaking. Just as we were leaving, C called and asked where we were. He had taken E before but had a bad roll, probably because he spent a good period of time by himself thinking about an unlikely relationship. Everyone wanted to make sure that he enjoyed his day, so we were very quick to meet up with him before heading over to the grocery store. While there, I stayed in the car and talked with my girlfriend. She was upset and would not tell me why with any detail (understandably, she needed time to herself). I assumed she wouldn't tell me why because I was on ecstasy and tried to explain to her why that shouldn't matter. My words were sloppy and her ears were slightly closed so she misunderstood me. She was slightly upset with me and my body internally crumbled. Shortly after, the idea that I loved another human being to this effect made me very happy. I explained what I meant in the miscommunication better and she understood me. This is the first time in the roll that my speech actually had a normal amount of clarity. Everyone got back in the car with food (for those who weren't rolling, I was not hungry in the slightest) and cigarettes (which are absolutely amazing after taking E).
[T=4.5] We got back to M's room. My girlfriend decided to go study a bit for an upcoming final and C decided to head downstairs to play pong and head over to a bar. T and I decided to speed smoke another joint on the porch. We finished this (although he had two hits to my one as I was rolling hard) and stood outside for a minute. My closed eyed visuals were absolutely spectacular. I had no idea at the complexity of patterns and designs that my brain could make.
[T=4.75] M, T and myself toasted whip-its. The two of them filled up three small balloons apiece (one charge per balloon) and I filled up two. A friend of ours, S, entered the room. S was straight edge for the most part, however he was one of the most relaxed people I've ever met with drugs. The four of us sat in a darkened room with a ridiculous amount of balloons (total of eight) listening to some Aphex Twin. We toasted and inhaled. I closed my eyes. Slowly warping singly colored patters were moving about in my vision. They aligned vertically and continued to warp and move. I realized that this was the four of our beings in my perception. These beings remained in this vertical alignment and began celebrating. They simply emitted light and slowly danced (albeit not in a human way as these beings had no human form in my perception), changing as my perceptions of these beings changed. I then began slowly re-entering reality. I was unsure as to what was a normal experience and I began to worry how those around me were judging me. I quickly realized that they were all good people and I needed not to worry. I continued warping through time and space in normal sensory representation as well as time and space through my own cognitive representation. I opened my eyes and could very clearly see sound overlaid on sight. Beautiful swirling patters, closed eyed visuals that synced perfectly with my combined emotions and perceptions. It was what I was at that very time in a visual representation, every emotion, every sense, every thought.
[T=5.5] Another toast of the same dimensions. I closed my eyes and witnessed the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My perceptions aligned and swirled and changed. They soon formed a side-ways U. The top side was blue, the bottom red. There was a very distinct dividing line. Inside of this U was everything and everyone that I have ever seen or known. Certain things were almost entirely on the blue side, others had portions on both sides, and very few were entirely in the red side. On the blue side was everything 'good' or 'positive', for lack of better words. On the red side was everything 'bad' or 'negative', also for lack of appropriate words. I soon realized that everything I saw in front of me was not the item or person, it was the relationship that i had with that thing or person. This made it clear as to why people took up more space on this U than items. I then watched one relationship that I had with a person in the room. It was slowly growing and moving further to the blue side. I understood that I would be happier if everything was on the blue side. And I understood that most relationships could be made better by pleasing others as well as yourself. I realized that I have always put myself slightly higher on my list of priorities than other people. And I understood that I need to look at everything with everyone equal. Only then will anyone truly able to be happy. I laughed out loud at the simplicity of this and was very happy to have viewed and experience this first hand. I continued tripping very hard, grasping and fighting with the meanings of life and happiness. The amount of clarity in my thought was absurd. It was the type of clear that one normally thinks of, my senses were simply too overwhelming to it to be a clean shiny clear. It was a strong and beautiful clear.
[T=6.5] My girlfriend returned and we went out on the porch to have a cigarette. I was still struggling to explain what I was thinking when I realized that the human brain can think of so many different concepts and it is simply chance that words can describe any of them to even a poor degree. I relaxed a little bit at this realization and stopped trying to fully explain everything to others. From then on I simply hinted at what I was seeing with simple yet descriptive words with hope that they would understand.
[T=7] Last four whip-its. Two went to T and two to myself. After inhaling I experienced the most intense synesthesia I have ever had in my entire life. I could see a visual representation of all of my senses, combined and separate. For a while I looked into the sounds in the room in conjunction with my feelings. It was beautiful. I smelled the song (changing, but often a soft lemony rose), tasted it (a more full flavor than the smell, but the same idea), felt it (sound waves went up and down my body in tactile representations) and saw it with such intense clarity. I was also able to feel the sound with my emotions. This was beautiful, opening up my emotions so much that my feelings could interact with my senses to the fullest degree. I continued thinking about all of the complexities of life and love but struggled to understand them in their fullest degree. I was often very close to an epiphany but it evaded me due to rifts in my thoughts. I realized that this struggle was to be human. However, when I focused on smaller bites of information, these rifts completely disappeared and I was able to think with perfect clarity and speak with what seemed like perfect articulation (although I am sure it was not). I continued to trip for a very long time, coming to various conclusions about the meaning of the past, the idea of contentedness, the concept of humanism.
[T=8] Cigarette again. Extremely good while on E. We were talking about coke, T used the phrase 'When you are drunk you think you are the man. When you are on coke, you know you are God.' I failed to comprehend why anyone would have any desire to do cocaine. I do drugs in order to learn about myself, not to be God. I then figured out that I am not all people and all people have different motives. So I gave it up. T went inside, my girlfriend, myself and a friend who had just stopped by, J, remained outside. I closed my eyes and watched and felt all of my being. Through many complex steps, I realized the existence of God (after already witnessing this same thing on a salvia trip 3 months prior). I walked inside and said to T that I could never be God, I could only witness it in it's greatness. We talked about the way in which I realized this again (the details have evaded me now) for quite a while. It was funny, I meant to make a quick retort to his phrase. Halfway through I just realized it was far too important to dismiss like that.
[T=8.15] My girlfriend went back to change into warmer clothes and T left. J and I sat and talked about reasonably meaningful things, nothing quite as profound as before. A girl walked into the room who I was not very close with and started talking to Jason. She was complaining about a girl who she was living with next year, it was so bothersome. I soon closed them out and thought. After a short while I had an epiphany about something forgotten and I tried to share with them. They wouldn't stop talking when I asked so I just continued thinking by myself.
[T=8.75] Everyone was on their way out. My girlfriend wanted to go on a walk in the park and I was more than happy to do so. We walked up the hill and talked about her distress. Seeing her like this made me miserable. I told her that if I had anything she could ever want that I would give it to her. And if I didn't have it I would go searching. This was never meant on a superficial level and fortunately she never confused it as so. We were standing up listening to a few favorite songs on a pair of headphones. She cried. She was telling me that she felt worthless. That hurt so much. She means so much to me and I constantly tell her so. Then how could she be worthless? The openness of my emotions was still prevalent. I explored the ways in which I felt for her and realized the strength of my love. I never imagined love could possibly feel so strong. Standing with her in my arms was perfect.
[T=10.75] We returned to my place and went almost directly to sleep. I was absolutely drained and still slightly twitchy. My girlfriend fell asleep relatively quickly.
[T=15] Still awake and twitching. My need to fall asleep in order to get a little bit of work done the next day was making it worse.
[T=21] Awful night's sleep. My friend had a Xanax that he recommended I took on the comedown which I never did. Regret. It was the strangest sleep that I have ever had. I seemed to have been thinking and not dreaming. Slightly disconcerting.
[T=24] I seem to be rather lethargic today. I am neither happy nor sad, however the sight of the people who I spent last night with make my chest glow (especially my girlfriend).
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