Citation: M. "I Want to Live Again: An Experience with Morning Glory (Heavenly Blue) (exp70950)". Erowid.org. Dec 29, 2009. erowid.org/exp/70950
Before I start, let me give a little bit of history about myself...
I'm 17. For the past few years, I haven't been the same person I always knew myself as. I've been depressed, anxious, and distant. Even before my 'change', I've had problems- temper tantrums, panic attacks, and a very difficult childhood which, in all likelihood, set the foundation for many of my problems. My change occured when I ate a pot brownie when I was 15- I developed what I believe is Depersonalization Disorder, and I've struggled with that for a few years. Depression has also developed in that time, as well as increasing drug use- which no doubt contributed greatly. My world has been 'strange'- little things didn't matter to me any more, like family, sports, education. My thoughts were consumed by this problem which altered, radically, my perception. Things looked different; hollow and fake. I would swear to you that I was psychotic, and a few times, I actually think that I was. This isn't something that a high school student should go be gong through. My school performance has been nothing short of abhorrent, my last GPA was .69.
The Drugs. I've used, among other substances, cannabis (which I continued to use heavily, despite the fact that I HATE the way it makes me feel), mushrooms, and LSD. I've been swallowing drugs without a thought that I would never do before, and that scared me. Not enough to stop, but enough for me to know that something was up. After my last mushroom trip a few weeks ago, I've been feeling even more distant- surely this new feeling was something worse than it had been before, maybe this time I actually am crazy. My family didn't believe that simple anxiety and depression could cripple me so forcefully (although, in their defense, they did take my problems seriously and have been doing all they can to help, though I don't know that I conveyed the magnitude of my 'strangeness' properly). I made the impulsive and irrational decision to use LSA, in hopes that it would send me over the edge and that I'd be too far gone to care. I couldn't stand this state of constant torture, and the fact that I was completely aware of it made me want to shatter everything that ever existed into a million peices.
I went to the local hardware store and bought 3 packs (a total 4.5 grams/ 150 seeds) of heavenly blue morning glory seeds. I went home, washed them, and put them into a little baggie. I usually do drugs with my only 4 friends, but this time, I wanted to have my experience alone. I was planning on using them that night (a friday), in my room. I took a nap, because I knew this would be a long night. I awoke to the sound of my aunt and uncle (who I live with), talking to my dad about my schoolwork. I layed in the dark, feeling depressed and disconnected, listening to them talking about me. I came down and I talked to them for a few minutes about what I wanted to do; the conversation depressed me even more. My mindset was not what most people would call 'great'.
I stay with my dad on the weekends, and my room there is where I was planning to trip. It's a very nice environment, kind of my 'safe haven'. I've got greek and celtic tapestries, I burn incense, have a guitar, have numerous art/music posters, and a television. My laptop stays on my bed with me most of the time. I am vey familiar with this room, I've spent a lot of time over the years staying up all night, thinking and reading.
Now on to the trip... at around 11:30 P.M., on a friday night, my dad came in and said goodnight. He went back to his room, and I took out my little bag of seeds. I had a large cup of green tea and a little bowl of apple sauce. I took a multivitamin just before I began to chew the little seeds up. I was not able to grind them, so I just put a few of them in my mouth at a time and chewed very thoroughly. After about an hour of casually chewing and surfing the internet, I felt a head change. It was definitely the start of something... I continued to eat, and another 15 minutes later I felt a stronger, more urgent shift. It was time to put the seeds away, and to my surprise, I had only eaten about 100 of them. By the two hour mark, my mind was racing with random 'chatter', I felt no sickness at that point.
My thoughts became increasingly 'out there'. My logic was like a spider web. Everything I thought was connected, but it a non-linear and intricate method of thinking. I began to think a lot about my life, and what I needed to do. What was holding me back? I realized that I had not gotten over something that happened when I was 15. I met a girl in my high school, and we became friends. I was shy and awkward, and never really got to know her well, although we did talk regularly. I really, really liked her, but she moved to another country before we could become close. I was devestated, and haven't so much as talked to a girl since. I was not conciously staying with her, but that's what was happening. Whenever I thought about when I was happy, was when I was with her. I never made that connection, though, being the idiot that I am. That friday night, I realized that I had only felt happy because I had felt love for someone, and I've abandoned love ever since. I haven't felt love for friends, family, or myself. I realized I need to accept when I am able to change things and when I'm not.
I thought about what I want, and how to get there. I'm sick of living like I do, not being a part of anything. I thought about my marijuana use, and how I do things because of the 'image'- I do things because I feel that they are a certain way, like I think of weed as a peaceful, expanding substance so I use it, when it actually makes me feel awful. I realized that I'm in control of my own life.
The visuals were almost non-existant, but the mental trip was amazing. I didn't have a bad trip, I just came to terms and accepted a lot of what has been going on in my life. I lay in bed, at 7:30 A.M., SO happy that I had finally realized myself. I've never been able to accept me for who I am, and this night was a 'get to know myself' kind of experience. It was the most wonderful, thoughtful, and useful experience I've ever had.
I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly do well in school, and get myself completely together. But now, two days after my trip, I feel like a different, more complete person. I feel almost normal again, I don't feel psychotic anymore. I've realized that I'm disgusted by how I've been acting the last few years. I've been disrespectful to everyone, including myself.
After this trip, I've decided I want life again. I feel like little things are becoming something, it's hard to explain. I want to read again, to visit museams, to have a normal and happy life. I don't want to deny myself what I want anymore, I don't want to live curled up in my room losing my mind. I need to get out, to love, to experience.
I will use this drug again, spiritually. Before that night I was willing to try heroin and cocaine, but now that sickens me. LSA is the only drug I will use again, and it will be a few times a year, solo spiritual journey. This was the best therapy session I've ever had. I feel like I am whole again, and have passion for life. With these little seeds, I came to terms with them and was able to move on. All I can say now is that I hope this lasts... this was by far the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.
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