Amanitas - A. muscaria
Citation: Enlightened Speaker. "Enter The Void (Hope You Return): An Experience with Amanitas - A. muscaria (exp70902)". Erowid.org. Aug 1, 2018. erowid.org/exp/70902
A lot of bizarre things went on during that hot august day... I will never forget. I ruined a great relationship with a truly remarkable girl and I almost lost my life in pursuit of a higher understanding. I will not explain the delirium in great extent but will say in few words what delirium actually is. Imagine reality getting ripped out from under your feet with hardly a warning. You can create a lifelong friend in the space of a second and forget they never existed. Reality is defined by your point of view, the insane man is king in his own mind. That is what truly terrifies me-- not knowing what's real. Here's my story.. (an essay I wrote for my English 101 class)
Life holds many mysteries but perhaps the biggest one is death. What happens to us when we die? Do we just repeat our lives over and over? Perhaps that would explain déjà vu. Maybe we create our own reality, or maybe, just maybe, all our memory of whatever we were gets flushed into that big melting pot we call hyperspace. There are many theories but that’s all they are. Of course there are also those who have died and come back, or were on the brink of death but came back with a mystical experience that has no easy definition. It is an indescribable experience that escapes the imagination of even the most creative individual.
Just a few months back I wouldn’t ever really think of death for what it was. I, like most people, accepted it because it was inevitable. ‘You can’t escape the icy clutches of oblivion’ was my mindset (and still is) and ‘live life while you still can’ is imprinted upon my brain. If someone had asked me on my views I would have told them “you live your life as best you can and then you die. That’s it.”
But that’s not it, not even close. Death is just a part of this big cycle we call life.
Not many people understand that just existing is a gift. Most take it for granted. Until I ventured into that abyss I also took it for granted. I realized that many will never get an experience like this until it’s their death-day. You never know how much you resent death until its gazing at you directly.
My journey started on the 18th of august 2007. It was a sunny day outside and I thought it was going to be a good day. I won’t go into specifics about the moments before but I will say that it was a fault on my part and from a few Amanita Muscaria caps. Unbeknownst to me, Amanitas are a deliriant in high doses. While under this powerful drug I forgot who I was and left the realm of the living. Those red mushrooms with white spots in Mario (for those gamers out there, the ones that make you grow bigger) are the ones I write of.
Take into mind that this essay is NOT about drugs and their effects, this is about a near-death experience that I just so happened to have while on drugs. Don’t forget that I was under the influence of a powerful entheogen but put it out of your mind for the time being. Also, I explained this experience as best I could, writing this differently would have warped the image and emotions I saw and felt. Let all bias melt away as I tell you what happened. This experience has changed the way I view this world and will remain a part of me forever.
The first thoughts that goes through your head when you think you have died is exactly like “OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT!!” and your brain is going into hyper drive trying to comprehend what’s “actually happening”. Most probably feel that sense of “I have so much to do!” and “I’m not ready to leave now!” but when the darkness envelopes you cant fight anymore and all you can do is succumb to the cold, dark oblivion ahead.
So there I was, falling through a black hole never ending with its vibrant sounds that shook my body (soul?). The voice of my father briefly reached me there and he said, “Just go to sleep”. I was in no state of mind to reply but I remember thinking “I would sleep if I could in this place”.
Then after seemingly an eternity of falling, my soul was catapulted out of my body and flung into the stars above. I remember seeing earth get smaller and smaller until it was no longer distinguishable from the billions of other stars in the galaxy, receding like a camera zooming out from a close-up snapshot. Still I kept floating until there was nothing.
There I stayed in “The Void” for 3 hours but to me it was timeless. I felt no emotion and saw nothing. I forgot who and what I was and even asked “Do I exist? What is existence? Am I a molecule? Am I?” such confusion was maddening. The generic Christian view of Hell is a place of fire, brimstone and eternal suffering. Well this was infinitely worse. If you have heard the song Vertigo you can imagine that as my thought process.
Eventually I started coming back to reality and had a mystical experience on the way. It was a house, a house amidst piles upon piles of junk and the sky was red as you would imagine Mars to be. Death Angels in white robes beckoned me inside and told me that they “need to get the evil out” in order for me to “pass The Gates”. ‘The Floor Below Heaven’ was its name. They shoved a tube down my throat into my stomach and started to pump (in actuality, they were pumping my stomach in the hospital). I could hear the screams of those that were brought out, forced to fit through that tube away from their fleshy home that was me. The Death Angels told me “see you there” and vanished.
Slowly, but with a quickening pace, the house started to fold, smaller and smaller wrapping around me and sliding down the tube. It was excruciatingly painful (just as you would imagine trying to fit a house in your stomach would be). Then there was nothing.
Instead of the cold nothing that was space, this nothing had a more familiar look to it, like gazing at the insides of your eyelids. I waited with mounting anticipation for the white light everyone talks about until I finally saw it. I was too exhausted to cry for joy but felt as though I should have. As my vision started to clear I noticed that ‘The Light’ was actually the suit of a Death Angel in absolute clarity. Doctors (Death Angels) rushed about in a dignified but worried way and I saw my father resting in a chair beside my hospital bed.
As in a play, the entrance upon stage is just as crucial as the acting. If a main actor for an important role (say Julius Caesar?) stumbles upon entrance he gets laughed at, the crowd will never take him seriously for the remainder of the play. I knew exactly the way I should set the mood for that stage as I found my voice and muttered the words “Hey Dad” and made kissy sounds and replaced them with a big toothy grin. I think I would’ve won an academy award.
“You believe me don't you? Please believe what I just said! See the dead aint tourin And this wasn't all in my head. See they took me by the hand and invited me right in, Then they showed me something. I don't even know where to begin.” -Tool, Rosetta Stoned (Note: I had déjà vu while writing this from a dream a few nights after this experience)
I hope this story has helped you in some way. I don't regret having this experience because It allowed me to travel on the brink of death but come back. There was a moment when I went toward the light but I heard the media talking about me and my family and loved ones crying at my funeral so I turned away from it and ended up in the void. I now understand what this plane of existence is, what happens when we die, what the light is, how to go to heaven and how to go to hell. The ability to go to heaven or hell does not rely on the individual, it relies on everyone making an effort with understanding, we were all born from the sun so essentially we are all the same thing. Individuality is an illusion and time moves a lot slower than what we conceive. Existence is all about cycles, cycle of life (reincarnation?), the cycle of the universe relies on suns creating black holes to create other universes, so on and so forth, never ending where in each is an alternate reality. Who says size doesn't matter? 'And God said let there be light'-- Sun Cycle Of The Universe 'Treat thy neighbor as thyself'-- The Ethics Of Reincarnation I am not a religious man nor do I discredit religion All my theories are backed by science and laws of physics Funny how a drug overdose can change your view on everything forever...
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