Citation: jam. "A Magnificent Clarity: An Experience with MDMA (exp70231)". Erowid.org. Oct 21, 2016. erowid.org/exp/70231
||(powder / crystals)
Subject is 22 year old male, 5'11', skinny build, no prior experience with mind altering drugs (bar alcohol/cannabis).
Subject has considerable knowledge of MDMA and other substances, having read around the subject for nigh on 6 years, and known many users for as long. Solid anecdotal and recorded information on the drug; what to expect, how much to take, how to handle the experience, are all (more or less), known factors.
Subject has history of periodic depression, and had to this point been suffering an unusually lengthy 'low' period.
T+0.00 (5.40am): Ingest ~12.5mg [125 mg?] of MDMA orally, wrapped in rizla. My buddy ingests around 17.5mg [175 mg?] in a similar fashion, as he is a reasonably experienced roller, and is coming down from a dose taken earlier in the night. We head away from camp for a walk across the fields.
T+0.40 (6.20am): Start noticing a consistantly better mood; slightly above baseline. Notice that the sunrise is stunningly beautiful this morning; deep blues and subtle shifting purples colouring the cloud cover, a bright, turqoise blue strip of clear sky runs between the purple blue fade, framing a clean, pure white jet trail as it slides across the sky. The scene is reflected on the surface of a flat calm lake, and we marvel at the distance travelled by the tiny ripples we create by disturbing the water with stones.
T+1.35 (7.15am): Over a period of maybe 2 minutes I am hit by a creeping wave of euphoria. Wearing a huge smile and stretching my hands out to greet the beautiful yellow sunrise I walk with my buddy into a field, I begin spinning slowly around, arms outstretched, I can barely believe the sensation... It is exactly what I expected, yet so, so much more.
My scarf feels incredible... So soft, lush, perfectly squishy... As I begin to squeeze it with my hands, I feel ripples of pleasure washing over my mind and body... I rub it against my face, it feels incredible. I continue to caress my face with it as I lie on my back facing the sun, letting it wash over me and tickle my body, which also feels incredible. As we stand up and continue walking, I chat to my buddy about life. He is talking ten to the dozen, and coming up at the same time as me. He says that as my first wave comes on and I'm spinning through the field, his trip is magnified by my reaction, and he begins to come on very strongly.
I ask my buddy if I can hug him, he says 'sure! of course!'. We embrace and the human contact feels heavenly. I can almost feel what I imagine as an emotion fueled connection, on some virtual level, yet brought about between our bodies.
T+2.20 (8.00am): My first wave is more or less over, I'm still squeezing my scarf, rubbing it against my hands, it feels almost as good as it did a half hour ago, but less intensely so. My mood is excellent, I'm still feeling quite elated, but I'm very much closer to baseline.
Me and my buddy continue walking, and hit a road. The sun is shining through the trees that line the road and the gold framed silhouettes of each branch are of a staggering, ethereal beauty. As I turn around and appreciate the beautiful landscape behind me my buddy is still chatting away contentedly, and I'm contributing occasionally, taking it all in. The speech feels like a distraction, but as I listen and understand, and consider, I feel a magnificent clarity wash over me... Suddenly everything is very simple. As I listen to my buddy's tales I realise how similar we are in some ways, I feel a sense of connection again, I'm getting to know my buddy much better in this short time than I have done in years of hanging out with him and his brother.
T+2.50 (8.30am): I start to feel another wave coming on, not as strong as the last but elation pours over me once again... I let it, and continue walking and chatting with my buddy. He comes back up simultaneously, we vibe off each other's waves and continue to rise. We discuss past relationships, school days, friends, old teachers, the problems we have overcome, and my buddy talks a while about his prior drug use. Our conversation drifts freely from one topic to the next, but returns each time to the original point, always making sure to finish the explanation. Every point holds significance, and cannot be left out.
My buddy is doing most of the talking, and at this time I don't yet click as to why; but I'm naturally a more quiet guy, a good listener, so I absorb it all. As my second wave begins to petre out I realise what my buddy is doing. Suddenly, triggered by our talking, I start making stunning revelations... One after another, again, again, again. Every topic yields some as yet undiscovered secret. I feel I can put myself in other people's shoes with complete ease... I suddenly realise why people act the way they have done, I understand the reasons for their decisions, the reasons for their emotions. I can construct a big picture of every situation and insert each element, fully understanding the why and how at every step. Complicated issues slot neatly into place, just by placing myself in another person's emotion set, and viewing each alternate perspective, I can solve some of the largest mystery's of my life up to this point.
As my buddy continues to chat to me about different subjects, and our conversation continues to wander, I discover reasons for the way I am, reasons for some of the big events in my life. Suddenly everything is so clear and my understanding is 100% accurate, without making any conscious effort to figure anything out. I begin to realise some of the reasons for my depression, and potential solutions present themselves to me, without ever requiring prompting.
T+3.05 (8.45): My second wave is gone, and I return to the same level as T+2.20. I am still holding the ends of my scarf, squeezing them, feeling the gorgeous texture, bathing my mind in that glorious sensation. I hug my buddy again, and I feel the odd connection again. We begin to talk about the connections between people, and how people are so very similar, their motivations, needs, goals... We talk about how I've helped him control his drug taking, and how he had arranged this experience for me as a 'repayment'. It is very apparent that he is teaching me as much as he can, getting the most from the trip, as he knows it is likely to be my last.
T+3.35 (9.15): We have now walked for miles, in a huge circle around the roads and fields near our base camp, and we return briefly to take a drink. From this point on I have more and more regular, and less and less intense waves. Still in synch with my buddy, I carefully control each one, balancing just the right amount of elation, without feeling too 'up'. It becomes apparent that each wave is being punctuated with an increasingly mellow dip, and as we walk around the closer fields again I marvel at how I feel so great, and how each dip is barely a dip at all, as it's carried by my mood. It teaches me a lot about controlling my emotion in an everyday sense. There are delicate balances to keep, and it's these balances that when they're tipped, cause my depression. I feel I'm armed with much more powerful tools to control my problem now.
I gradually lose the stunning feeling of squeezing my scarf, so I finally stop. I'm so glad I brought it with me!
T+4.20 (10.00): We return once again to the camp, where my buddy's brother and the others are clearing up. We help out, have a bit more water, and say our goodbyes before walking to the car for my buddy's brother to give us a lift home, I am more or less baseline now, but still feel no hunger, no tiredness, and I'm in an exceedingly good mood. I hang onto this mood by focusing on remembering the revelations of the trip. My buddy is talking a lot less now, but he's still feeling waves (due to his higher dose, and the dose he took earlier in the night).
T+4.50 (10.30): I arrive home, say my goodbyes to the others, and head inside. I am pretty much at baseline now, so I have a cup of sweet, milky tea, and a bath, and change into some clean clothes. I feel great! As I get out of the bath I feel hungry, so I have a ham and cheese sandwich, an apple, and a banana, which makes me feel a little more healthy and a little less hungry!
T+5.20 (11.00): I am at 100% baseline. I feel normal, but I'm still in a great mood.
Overall I was overwhelmed by the success of this experiment... Having imagined it thousands of times, it was almost exactly what I was expecting. The pleasant surprise, which I hadn't properly considered, was that I learned so much. I truly feel that I've discovered such a lot about myself, and about other people that I could never have discovered while sober.
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