Citation: Larry B. "Orange Health? My Love/Hate Hell: An Experience with Amphetamine (Dexedrine) (exp69466)". Erowid.org. Aug 18, 2009. erowid.org/exp/69466
Ok, so to start off, well I'm male, 112 lbs (I will explain the weight later). I'm 24, from Canada. I really don't know what to say. I have read a lot of entries, and have debated if I should share my experiences. I kind of want to, but also fear to explain.
Well, I was first prescribed Dexedrine when I was 3 years old. I was like any other young child, hyper, gimme gimme gimme, right? I started off at 2.5 mg/per day. Slowly it went up. By the time I was 9 years old, I was taking about 30 - 35 mg per day. As we know, Amphetamines decrease the want for food. Yes, I didnít eat much, but I also had a lot of health problems, where I had to have many operations. Last operation being in July 2001, was operation number 242. If you don't believe me, that is fine. But I'm sure it contributed to being extremely underweight.
By the end of HS, I was taking 10 mg Dexedrine per day. And then in fall 2001, I went down to 5 mg per day, something I had wanted to do. By this time I had a new Doctor, because I moved to a new city. Yes, the Dexedrine helped very much with School, I maintained Aís and Bís throughout HS. Which I enjoyed a lot.
For a few years I worked a lot, including nights, so I began taking 5 mg in the Morning and 5 before I left for work in the evening. This was in 2003. I then had some hardships. Throughout my life I have dealt with Depression, many times, and I got the biggest blow given to me during the summer of 2005. I was disowned by my Family, for no reasons really. I still battle with myself to determine why it happened. Just a lot of closet demons inside of me. I began to see a girl, and things quickly went sour due to my drinking more heavily, yet I still maintained my job, eventually had 2 jobs at once.
I decided to go back to College, I did, and Graduated, it was rough at times though, not knowing what to do, not being able to concentrate. I didnít want to increase the Dexedrine, because I wasnít sure. During the time, and latter half of 2005, I began having weird experiences, which I wasnít sure of. I kept very secret from everyone. A lot of suicidal feelings, and wanting to hurt people. On occasions I was threatening to make people watch me burn myself alive. I started to hear voices telling me to kill people, kill myself. I even held a knife to some friendís throats (Now former friends). Iíd just stare at people constantly, have odd behaviors.
I battled with these experiences, and depression hard until 2007. When one day I sorted just snapped. I went into a very bad Amphetamine Psychotic state that lasted good 24-hours. Things were moving, I was seeing dead bodies, and bright lights. Voices were more intense than ever, telling me not to trust anyone or anything. Sorry my details are vague, just uneasy about writing this stuff for the public to read.
The entire 24 hours was like a horror-movie that had come true. In the morning, I had to go to work, but didnít. I asked my roommate to take me to the Hospital. I was put into a small room, and eventually restrained, strapped down. I was told Iíd be arrested if I didnít stop with the way I was detailing my feelings, and wants, and needs for that my head was expressing to me.
I was admitted into a Psych ward for 4 days. I was eventually released. And went back to work.
I was told Iíd get help, get a Psychiatrist to talk about things. But in the great country this is, Canada. Nobody helped me. Not even my own Doctor. Everyone just wanted to give me a social worker. I did the only thing I knew I could do. My last hope. I called my former Doctor, who originally gave me the Dexedrine. They agreed to see me. I was almost in tears. It was like an old-friend coming to the rescue. With open arms, a long time ago from 6 years ago when I stopped being a patient. I told the Doctor about the previous few years, and the summer time. He told me heíd help me, but I needed the referral. I got it within a week. (I have not been back to see my old Doctor since the summer). The chance I took though, I really didnít know if the Doctor was a Psychiatrist as well, to my luck, he is.
Every week I started to see my Psychiatrist. Starting off as like a ďwhere have you/what have you been doing for the past 6 yearsĒ. Slowly we tried different medications. Anti-Depressants, Anti-Anxiety. But we discussed Anti-Psychotics. And During the time, we increased Dexedrine to an amount that would work well for my body, and age, and ADHD severity.
By the end of December 2004, I found a dosage that suited me, 45 mg Dexedrine per day. 150 mg Anti-Anxiety, 50 mg Anti-Psychotic (Chlorpromazine). It didnít fair well with my situation at my workplace. As I was harassed a lot, and discriminated against because I was in the Hospital months prior, and labeled a lot of bad things. Even was threatened to get beat up. The worst, was being harassed, and made fun of by my Managers. They made a lot of death jokes, and made up stories about attempting suicide just to get my attention, to see my reaction. It has/still is a very hard time being at work. My co workers make me very uneasy, everyone does, even my own roommate.
I am slowly getting help; my Psychiatrist is a great man. Itís easier to talk with him since he is familiar with my childhood horrors. Having many operations, grew up within a broken home so to speak, drugs all around, violence, and child-abuse, sexual, and non-sexual. Now I would like to note, in my entire life, I have not done drugs. I have tried Coke, and Speed (well Meth) while I was on vacation in Australia in 2005. But that is it, never again, I have smoked pot maybe less than 10 times in my life (first time wasnít until I was 21 years old, in 2004). So I have been well-minded in the way of staying away from drugs.
With my regular dosage of Dexedrine, Iím good to go during the day, Iím focused the best I can. And able to sleep at night time with help from the Anti-Psychotics. The ďnoisesĒ and all the voices are diminished, and such. And still every week I go to the Psychiatrist, talk about how my previous week went, and we talk about ways to be happy again, and such, and deal with the social aspects, and anxiety of work, and everyday life.
I know this sounds scattered at times, because it is. Iím sorry, but Iíve been trying to give the best details as much as possible without getting into really personal issues.
So with the Dexedrine, yes, it has helped my ADHD very much. I have expressed to my Psychiatrist Iíd like to lower my dosage again when things do get better, possibly come off totally. He informed me, coming off wouldnít be possible for how severe my ADHD is. Which really sucks? But in some ways I have grown to love the Dexedrine. I have refused to use Ritalin, or Adderal, or Concertta, or anything like that.
Weekends seem to be the easiest for me at times. Hide, away in my apartment, as I fear people outside. I still get short-time, and long-term side effects from the Dexedrine, and very bad Anxiety. I often crave the Dexedrine, but itís so true, (never intentionally doing it), but the ďhighĒ never comes again. I really do have to take more of the drug. But I donít do it for those reasons. I do it for whatever makes me feel the best I can for being able to cope with concentrating and focusing. Yes sounds hypocritical I guess it is, but itís the way I look at it. But I am honest with it all, I am dependent, very, addicted, no, but it is a very fine line between the two.
Do I hate the little orange 5 mg tablets and the orange/black 10 mg capsules, yes I do, but at the same time, I love them so much.
I just want everyone to know, please be careful with this kind of drug.
I have some very serious childhood issues that I am dealing with. Sometimes the Dexedrine makes me feel better about myself, because I am focus on other things. But let me tell you, fear, anxiety, hallucinating, being delusional is not worth it.
My Depression, as well as the Dexedrine, and everything else have made me lose love for myself. I lost it a long time ago, and Iím lucky I have a Doctor who is good enough to help me work through my problems, and help me to get better.
Right now, I have written in erasable marker on my mirror that is attached to my dresser, it says that I am a good person, that today will be a good day, and that I have a good heart. I wake up to see that every morning, so I can remind myself. And know that I can eventually fix the brokenness that is inside of me.
Wow, come to think of what I just wrote, I sound like an idiot. But I hope it helps people. I just wanted to share my story in as little/ but informative information as I could, yet I kind of doubt that it has been.
[[Reported Dose: 'Varies between 45 - 70 mg per day']]
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