Citation: Drew. "Reading, Writing, Arithmetic: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp69047)". Erowid.org. Jun 26, 2008. erowid.org/exp/69047
I started taking amphetamines by force when I was in 4th grade. All the adults in me life were telling me that I had ADHD because I was disorganized and distracted others too much. I had a lot of friends and just really enjoyed having fun in class more then listening. I hated the fact that I had to take a pill that would alter my behavior and personality.
I felt stigmatized at first, and broke down when my parents took my to a psychiatrist to get the diagnosis along with the pills. I couldnít comprehend why I needed to take medication when I didnít feel sick. Anyways, the nurse at my school was relentless to give me the medication every day. At first, I would do anything to avoid her. She ended up coming to my class everyday and pulled me out mid-class to give me the medication. I eventually gave in and took the pills every day. I will admit, I was one of the more disorganized kids in class, but I also had the best test scores but struggled with homework.
Before taking adderall, my desk was a nightmare. After, I had the cleanest desk in the class by far, and I went from the quietest kid to the most relaxed and calm. I looked at it as a good thing at the time, because school is always competitive and it made me feel good that I thought of myself as one of the better students.
A month into taking adderall on a regular basis though, I started doing really odd things. I would have certain tics that I would have to do like blink my eyes a certain amount of times or touch things in a certain way. My friends would always mock me, but I had the chemical confidence of adderall to shrug it off and just make fun of them back like a normal kid. This was really difficult though, because the tics that I was having on adderall were really weird. I think my friends were just thinking I was trying to be funny. What made me feel better about myself was the fact that my other friend was on adderall too. He developed tourrets from it and the tics that he had put mine to shame. I guess I was too naÔve or just unable to comprehend what was going on, but looking back at it I realize now how terrible the side effects were.
After about 3 months of taking the medication, little things started to annoy me like no other. When people cleared their throat, it filled me with an uncontrollable rage that I have never felt before. I wanted to hurt anyone who cleared his or her throat. It seemed so obnoxious to me for some reason when people did this. When someone would do it though, I had to close my eyes and not let the rage consume me. I remember this one teacher that used to sit in class to write notes for special Ed kids and always cleared his throat, at least 20 times in a 50-minute class period. I got so fed it up with it that I had to clear my throat to mock him every time he did it. It was the only way I could get the rage out of me. The teacher eventually confronted me and told me to stop it, he thought I was making fun of him and he was right. Another thing that annoyed the hell out of me was when people chewed with their mouth open, the intense rage would fill my body. Not only did adderall give my OCD like symptoms as a child, it also completely altered my sensations and moods. I had to stop.
Although adderall gave me symptoms of intense anger over trivial things, it also gave me a sense of well-being. I was able to make a lot of friends, but when I went to high school completely sober, I never felt like talking to anyone. I felt like a zombie. I would go to class every day and have no desire to talk to anyone that I didnít know. I started playing a video game everyday for hours to escape from my jaded reality. I didnít want to hang out with anyone anymore and social events just gave me anxiety. I never bottomed out though, I was always able to stay in touch with friends, but I could feel myself becoming more distant from them and everything in general. I did however hit rock bottom at college. I was off adderall for 4 years and was still feeling like shit. I would either feel extremely good or like complete garbage. I ended up smoking pot all day and not going to classes. I had no choice but to withdrawal from 2 of my classes so I had more time to think about what was wrong with me. I was having panic attacks in class, which freaked me out. I was an outgoing social kid on adderall, but when I got off it, I was completely flat. I couldnít take it anymore. I felt like I was going crazy.
I had a good girlfriend but I couldnít feel anything towards her. I used to be so interested in our relationship, but now I wouldnít talk to her for days. When I was lying next to her, I would notice that I had no feeling what so ever. I wasnít sad, wasnít happy, I just felt nothing. It was awful. I couldnít sleep and I became nocturnal. When you first stop taking adderall after using it for a while, you feel extremely tired and unmotivated. The whole point of taking it, from what the doctors told me, was to take it, learn how to study better, then get off it and continue the habits u learned while medicated. Thatís not what happened to me though. It was a slow decline in my personality and for the next 4 years of my life, I felt strung-out. The reason I know that I felt strung-out was because recently decided to get back on adderall.
Being a kid who took add meds all throughout middle school, and not taking it all at high school is really confusing to me. It felt like I had shifted conciseness and I was always zoned out and dull. Adderall took something from me, I never felt like myself again after I stopped taking it. So I decided to go back on it.
It was the most intense experience I have ever had. For years I felt depersonalized and not like myself, but I never knew when. When I swallowed that 30mg pill for the first time in 4 years, I couldnít believe what I was feeling. I felt like myself again. I had my personality back and everything in my life became clearer. I am a drug addict but not by choice. I canít feel good and like myself unless I have Adderall. I felt so unmotivated and was fading behind everyone but now I am back on top of my game. Everything in my life is working and I no longer feel depersonalized. I think of my body like a car, and my brain is the engine. Adderall is the key, and without it, I am unable to run.
What I have now is a bitterness toward my parents because I have realized what the medication has done to me. I feel like all my emotions are controlled chemically and I donít feel human. Once you use adderall for a while consistently, then stop for a while, then go back on, u realize that u are unable to feel like yourself unless u are on it. Adderall gave me everything, and then took it all away. Depersonalization is the worst feeling in the world, and that is what an adderall comedown is like. If you use it long enough though, the depersonalization stays with you and never really goes away until you get back on the amphetamines.
Amphetamines are a hard-drug with real and dangerous side effects. I really donít understand modern psychiatry. Every solution has a pill, and if the pill gives u problems, you get another pill. No one really cares if the pill will ruin your life, the pharmaceutical companies get paid and thatís all that matters. It is a brave new world and I would never wish amphetamine usage on my worst enemy, not to mention little kids with developing minds. Adderall scarred my soul and the only thing I can do now is move on. It is what it is.
Amphetamines are used for social control. Schools are just like factories. Kids move from class to class when they here a tone, and if a product seems to be defected, it must be fixed. It all comes down to greed though, because no one would give people drugs if they couldnít make a lot of money off it. They donít care if you canít concentrate; most people have trouble concentrating from time to time. The fact that people have made so much money off this drug because they brainwashed parents like mine to believe that there was an actually a problem makes me sick. I try to put this all behind me, but I can't stop thinking about the friendships and experiences that I lost because of my legal drug problem. I am chemically alive and am desperately trying to find the part of me that was lost before it is too late.
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