Citation: scared shitless. "Back to Reality: An Experience with Cocaine (exp68292)". Erowid.org. Dec 23, 2019. erowid.org/exp/68292
||(powder / crystals)
Growing up in a small Texas town made drug use a must for me to have a good time; My friends and I were involved in the weekend use of cocaine, pot, or whatever else it was that our small town minds could come across. None of us could dream of a weekend without being under the influence of something. I lived in that town with my father but would travel out of town to visit my mother and older brother every other weekend…No, not to spend quality family time, but to snort cocaine with my brother who had a very steady hookup (something that was not so easy to come across living in a small town). He was always willing to share with me as long as I donated a small amount of cash and promised not to start talking about what he referred to as “heavy shit” (such as child abuse or my brothers notoriously bad temper)
One particular weekend my then boyfriend and I decided to take a trip together and visit my mom and brother and perhaps have a little fun…this was definitely not the case for me. What was about to happen that night scared the hell out of me and I vowed never to use coke again:
Around 10:00 that night after arriving to my mother’s house , my brother showed up with an 8 ball of coke which made me very happy. I did my usually routine of bouncing up and down with joy and then headed to the bathroom to relieve my excitement poop. My boyfriend, brother and I had a great time lining it up for a few hours; it wasn’t until my boyfriend fell asleep and my brother went to his bedroom to watch tv that my trouble began. I always tend to be the last one up while doing coke so I decided ‘what the hell’ and kept doing it in my bedroom as my boyfriend slept blissfully on the bed. After snorting a large line (I always thought it was more worth it to do large lines less often than small ones frequently) I decided to lay back in my bed and let it drip down my throat. All of a sudden a “rush” went across my entire body and my heart started pounding hard and fast and sweat began to fall out of every pore in my body. I knew that I had probably had enough, but knew that as long as I had some in my room with me I would continue to do it until it was all gone, so I decided to walk over to my brother’s room and give it to him.
As I approached my brother’s bedroom door I thought I heard a phone ring and my brother pick it up. His girlfriend at the time only spoke Spanish and I began to hear a conversation between the two: yes, I thought I could hear her through the receiver clear as day as I stood on the other side of the closed door. I was listening to what sounded like his girl screaming at the top of her lungs and my bro answering “ok, ya” over and over and over again. I stood there for a moment trying to listen to their conversation when all of a sudden I felt like I almost fell asleep or went into some sort of a trance while standing up…it almost felt relaxing until my brother opened his door and I snapped back into reality. I stood there holding a small bag of what was left of my stuff and asked my brother (thought I don’t know how because I was terrified at this point) why he was arguing on the phone with his girl. He looked at me kind of annoyed and informed me that he was not on the phone at all, he was only laying down watching TV. At this point I just wanted to go back to my bed and lay down and try to relax my racing heart and mind. I handed the bag over to my brother, but he refused it apparently having had enough himself. I told my brother of my “hearing” his conversation and my trans-like state hoping for comfort, but he only laughed and closed his door.
I turned and walked briskly back to my bedroom thinking of what to do with the rest of the cocaine so I would not snort it. As I closed the bedroom door behind me I saw my trashcan from the corner of my eye and dumped that shit out! I was completely freaked because I had never had any audio hallucinations before while being on coke, so I got into bed and tried to relax. This of course did not happen. I lie there for literally about 5 hours with my heart pounding trying to convince myself that I was not going to have a heart attack that night. I noticed that I kept tensing up my entire body and was holding my breath for about 15 seconds at a time. I thought this may be one reason my heart was pounding so ridiculously fast so I tried to consentrate on my breathing and releasing my tightened muscles. This only made my heart race even faster because of my paranoia and my body was as stiff as a board. I tried to change positions to see if I could relax and breath better, but this would only work for about 5 seconds until I felt the need to change positions again. I probably changed positions 500 times that night trying to get comfortable. I told myself as I tossed and turned with one hand clenched over the left side of my chest that if I could just make it through this night without having to go to the hospital or dying that I would never do cocaine again. The very thought of doing it again completely disgusted me. I finally fell into a light sleep after what seemed like an eternity. I was elated the next morning that I was still living and thanked God for letting me survive. A few hours later I came into my room after showering and caught a glimpse of the trashcan and remembered what I had thrown in it. I got dressed, brushed my hair, then walked over the the garbage to fish out what I had sworn never to do just hours before….
Author reports insufflating a total of 2 grams during the entire experience
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