Citation: Boogeyman. "Sally Knows Best: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (20x extract) (exp68077)". Erowid.org. Dec 4, 2011. erowid.org/exp/68077
Click… Click… Spark…
Sizzle. Sizzle. The 20x salvia burns red hot…
Bubble… Bubble… 1…2…
I fall back on my bed. I instantly feel and notice my vision fading rapidly. By fading I simply mean what I know I SHOULD be seeing, is no longer what I'm seeing. The first strong feeling I get is a sense of school. It feels like I'm here to learn. I'm... in? On? Or maybe... AM a desk. I have a teacher. I don't see, hear, or feel the teacher. I simple know I have one. There was at no point a dialogue between me and the teacher, but there was most definitely communication. To simplify the communication I'll put the communicated feelings into words.
Now at this point, the very beginning, I am relatively calm. The first major aspect is not mind or thought, but rather feeling. I can feel the fabric of the universe, because I am a part of it. This feeling of unity with the universe is both horrifying and tranquil. The horrifying part is that I no longer have any idea what 'Me' is. I know what I am. I am I. At no point did I stop existing; rather, I stopped existing as me. I simply became I. I am. Nothing more, nothing less, I just am. The tranquil part of it is the singular existence. [Looking back, it would seem evident to me that this feeling of unity, this indescribable sense of oneness is what allowed this teacher student complex to form, along with the non-physical communication.]
So now the groundwork for the trip has been laid and I am not really feeling anything specific. The only definite identifiable feeling is that of mystery and wonderment. I have never felt, nor seen, nor comprehended anything like this. So now I am a part of this desk as I will call it. [In retrospect I believe I thought of it to be a desk due to confusing my hand+fingers for pencils in a cup.] As being part of this desk, it is natural that I am being taught. I don't know exactly what it is, but I am definitely being taught. There is no lesson, nor was anything communicated, but I was being taught. The trip is now really beginning, or at least begins, with my first act of defiance.
I believe the teacher, I'll call him/her sally, was telling me what was happening. Sally was laying down the boundaries of this new reality, and letting me know 'how it is'. My mistake was defying Sally. I have no idea what, but Sally told me something, and I disagreed. I then went on to prove to sally that it was not true. Big mistake. My attempt to prove whatever it was was not true, failed miserably, and led to disaster. My mind began racing as I attempted to comprehend what just happened. My normal calculated ideas did not work as they were supposed to. I went into a complete panic. I tried grabbing on to any chunk of reality possible. I don't know what there was to grab on to, but I definitely tried. I think this sunk me much much further into the trip than if I had remained calm and accepted the learning.
The remainder of the entire trip was spent attempting to find reality. I had no idea what I was looking for, but I was god damned looking. From what fragmented memories I can put together, it seems to me that I tried to prove to Sally that I was not part of the desk. I tried to do this by rolling off of the desk. When I rolled however, the desk only grew. I just made it longer. I couldn't roll off the desk; because, at this point, it became disturbingly clear that I was the desk.
This is when what I call 'the terror' sunk in. A terror that I can't possibly put into words. Something so deeply unnerving, there is absolutely no way to express it.¹ I knew the best chance I had at finding reality, was to find me. I immediately went to work trying to see/hear/feel myself. I didn’t exactly know what any of that was or meant, but I was doing it. For what I can remember, it seems the main thing I was doing was trying to see myself. I looked at myself, what I thought would be my head or face. I saw some kind of peach blob. [I can only guess that what I DID see, was my arm] But rather than being able to identify it, it just started repeating and tiling in a sort of fractal like pattern, endlessly, and in all directions. This further enhanced the feeling of unity, and that I was a part of all the universe. And at this time, all the universe was this white plastic desk.
I was just an extension of the fabric of the universe. I tried to move, I tried to become separate from it, but it just was not possible. No matter how hard I struggled against it, I WAS part of it, and there was no separating. I tried to defy Sally more. Prove that what Sally was teaching me was wrong, and that THIS is how reality is. Every time I tried to do something to prove Sally wrong, it flung me deeper into the terror. I sunk farther and farther from the surface of reality.
I had to escape. I had to separate from this unified fabric. I had to become Me again, I just knew I did. I knew everything would be better if I could just separate. In order to try to make a way out, I had to extend myself…
This area of the trip is the fuzziest in my memory, but I just remember a feeling of endless agony as I fought as hard as I could to separate but to no avail. No matter what I did, separating was just not going to happen. I tried moving and screaming but nothing would happen as it was supposed to.
3 dimensional space is very interesting on salvia; I was definitely in 3 dimensional space, but I was also at the same time in 2 dimensional space. Normal laws of physics are out the window, and none of the normal rules will help. I’m not sure how this part went, but as far as I can tell, chronologically, the next thing that happened was I found my door. I somehow, while tripping, managed to get from lying in my bed, to my door. [Again, in retrospect, it would seem that the huge white plastic desk that made up the universe was indeed my wall, and the endless agony I experienced of trying to move to no avail was my making my way from one part of the wall, to my door. This felt like it took endless amounts of time]
Soon space started becoming slightly more normal. It was all still very very very very very wrong, but, it was still more normal than before. I opened my door, which just revealed more white plastic. I then found another or forged another door out of my own existence and opened it too. I was still very horrified at this point, but ‘the terror’ seemed to be on the ebb, as very slight streams of reality seeped into my salvia world. I somehow finally managed to open a door that didn’t lead to more plastic, and I ended up in a dark room. This room would be the one just outside mine, and at this point reality is for the most part coming back in full swing. I start to realize I’m at home, but I don’t trust myself. After not being able to roll off the desk, and not find reality or a way out, and not being able to open a door out of the world, well, I just didn’t trust anything. I couldn’t trust this reality. I did not believe it was real. It was a trick.
Oh ya. Sally was tricking me. No, this isn’t real, none of it was real. I went up the stairs to my kitchen, half expecting the door not to open to anything. I entered the kitchen, and looking at my counter and fridge, I got an overwhelming feeling I was being tricked. The corners were too sharp, the smooth surface far too pristine. The glossy finish, far too shiny. This wasn’t reality, this was still a different world that I was making, but was not in control of. I open the fridge and take a look inside. The contents are reminiscent of my reality fridge, but I don’t trust it. I grab the cream from the fridge and walk to the bathroom down the hall. I remember looking in the mirror, but I have no recollection whatsoever of seeing Me. I think at this point I still don’t know what Me is. I know I am, and I know I am home, but I don’t know who Me is. Anyway, I drink down some cream to verify not only that I have a throat hole that works (believe me, I didn’t think I did) but also that the cream is real and not a trick. By the time I leave the bathroom and walk back out into the kitchen, my sobriety is returning and the trip is fading. I put the cream back in the fridge, and I start to run over everything that just happened in my head.
I would say this is when the trip ended. I realize I was Me, and Me was I. I was at home, and now in my kitchen somehow. This world is real, and everything is OK.
I walk back downstairs and go into my room. My curtains are ripped half off my wall, my bed sheets are torn off my bed, and there is a blanket lying across my wall beside my door. I grab a glass and walk to my bathroom and take another swig of water because my throat feels almost numb, almost non-existent. Very strange feeling. My body does not feel normal and I still have a bit of ‘salvia gravity’ acting on me. I feel a very negative mood, probably from being in complete terror for what felt like eternity. I pace around my room taking sips of water, but I just feel very bad and negative. I figure music is the best thing to relieve this very negative feeling, so I flip on Yellow Submarine by the Beatles and let it take my away. I just sort of sit in my computer chair looking at my background listening to the music thinking happy thoughts.
I keep listening to the Beatles and distracting myself, and within about 15 minutes, I start feeling pretty baseline. I actually had some weed to smoke, but I took it out and just kind of looked at it. I really had no desire whatsoever to have any, so I put it away. I can understand how salvia could be used to help beat addiction. I really had absolutely no desire to smoke it, and almost wanted to get rid of it. I felt like I just didn’t want to do any drugs anymore. I was so grateful to be normal again that I didn’t ever want to leave baseline. This went away by the next day.
All in all, I would say this trip was at once, the most beautiful and most horrifying experience of my life. I suppose most people would call this a bad trip, but once I returned to baseline I didn’t feel that way. I felt very grateful to be baseline again, and I am still very grateful for the experience. There is no way in hell I could ever say I regret doing it. I plan to do another high dose of salvia again in the future, but next time maybe with a trip sitter to make sure I don’t manage to go from my bed, through a locked door and up a set of stairs while full blown tripping.
[In retrospect, I think I spent probably about 4 or 5 minutes standing flat against, or laying flat against my wall, squirming in terror. After that I guess I managed to stand up, or shuffle to my door, and it took me opening the door 3 or 4 times in my mind before it opened in reality. If I had set up a video camera, I bet it would have been a very hilarious scene.]
[It took me 3 days of constant reflection, and several low dose uses of salvia to recall and piece together this trip entirely. The original trip report I wrote about 30 or 45 minutes after reaching baseline from this trip is nothing like this one. The low doses of salvia helped me better understand the effects of it, how it works, and why it works. This combined with a lot of reflection on the trip gave me great insights into what really happened.]
Anyway, sorry if any of the wording is confusing. As you probably know, this kind of stuff is very difficult to describe, but I did my best. There are several very key feelings and events that aren’t in this trip report simply because I don’t know any way to put it into words. It’s clear why salvia is considered the most potent natural hallucinogen… for good damn reason! Nonetheless, it is am amazing drug that deserves enormous respect for its powers.
Method of use:
1 large pinch of 20x salvia in a large bong bowl.
1 large hit taken in over about 15 seconds of direct flame from a Bic.
I cleared the chamber and my original intent was to count to 30, and while doing so, put in another little pinch, exhale, then take another hit. Once I got to 6, I realized that wasn’t going to happen. I closed the packet of salvia, and didn’t get past 9 before counting and holding in my breathe were no longer even things or thoughts that existed. I remember as I walked up the stairs, I sobered up and exhaled. Ha-ha. I guess as my normal thinking processes returned I figured it was time to exhale the hit. This was several minutes after I originally took the hit.
¹I honestly think this can only be experienced on salvia, or other powerful psychedelics. This is just one of those things that cannot be put into words.
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