Citation: Joker. "Fear is the Mind Killer: An Experience with DOM (exp67976)". Erowid.org. Mar 10, 2008. erowid.org/exp/67976
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 1:25
||(powder / crystals)
A little background on my tripping experience...I have shroomed twice, tripped on LSA twice, and ate at least a sheets worth of 'acid' (that is, blotter that is said to be LSD) in about 5 months from September 2006-February 2007. Since June 2007, I have had a break from weed and all 'hard drugs', save for the very occasional taking of a milligram of ativan or two, and the even more occasional beer. I would say that I am very experienced with operating in the tripping world, that is, I feel as though I understand the rules of my mind when it is in that state.
Starting at 3:30 PM, December 20th, 2007, I insufflated a very small amount of Desoxypipradol (out of a bag of 30mg), as I had never experienced it before, planned on staying up all night cleaning and working, and was curious to try it as I had just received the Desoxypipradol and the DOM that day. The exact dosage of the desoxypipradol is unknown as I currently am without a working scale (a problem I am rectifying asap), however I know enough to greatly underestimate dosages when eyeballing. As such, I simply acquired a small amount on the corner end of my credit card and put it up to my nose.
Two samples of powder (even of the same chemical) with equivalent volumes won't necessarily weigh the same. For this reason, eyeballing is an inaccurate and potentially dangerous method of measuring, particularly for substances that are active in very small amounts.
See this article on The Importance of Measured Doses.]
This gave me energy and a bit of euphoria, but was in no way overwhelming, just as I wished, and enabled my to drive 45 minutes with my family to eat a very delicious meal consisting of chicken vindaloo (spicy), nan bread, gulab jamun, and a few kingfisher beers. The beers were provided by the family. Needless to say, I did not drive back.
Once I returned home, I cleaned for about two hours, understood that I had no obligations to worry about, as I had just received two As in my welding courses and had Christmas presents bought. Unlike many unfortunate past trips, I spent nearly a week preparing for this trip. I cleaned and organized my room (the place where the majority of the trip would be spent), I prepared ambient and optimistic music that is pleasing to me, I had readily available trip toys, and I moved from site things which had the potential to bring on undesirable memories.
The time of dosing was at 11:00 PM. Again, without a scale I was overly cautious rather than overly hasty with my dosing, and as such I used the same method of insufflating the DOM powder (out of a bag of 100mg) as I had the Desoxypipradol. I waited an hour and twenty minutes, and I felt very little, if anything. Of note is that the DOM hardly burned on the initial dosing.
Taking advice via contact with my supplier, I redosed a larger amount at around 12:25 AM, December 21st. This dose burned enough to cause my eyes to water, and within five minutes of this dose my pupils were dilating at a rapid pace. I was now officially tripping. Part of me worried that this was just the first dosing popping out of nowhere, and that the dose I had just consumed would in fact be much, much greater. However, I quickly gave myself a bit of a pep talk, and that minor fear subsided. As it would turn out, such fears were unfounded.
The initial part of my trip consisted of me listening to upbeat electronic music, and music like Micheal Dow - Ascent. I was giddy, euphoric, joyful, and content. Patterns were forming, colors were everywhere, and the world was bending around me. This phase lasted about an hour and a half.
During this time I also went outside for a few cigarettes (I had no marijuana and have had none since June) and to look at the sky and the moon and the clouds. I also had the pleasure of viewing a small woodland critter munching on some food in the distance. I did experience some nausea on the comeup, however despite the large Indian feast I enjoyed earlier, the nausea was extremely manageable.
Once the letters of what I was reading began to swim and blur together, and everything kept getting brighter and brighter, I realized that it was time to lie down. This was at around 2:00-2:15 AM. Initially all was well, the body high was extremely pleasurable, at least to me...quite the amphetamine rush. Open eyed visuals were less intense than I have had on acid in the past (though I also took a greater amount) however they were clearly present. The closed eyed visuals were extremely colorful and fluid.
This phase was perhaps the most interesting phase, from about 2:20-4:30 AM. Initially, intense waves of euphoria and pleasure overwhelmed my body as I seemed to FEEL the sounds of my computer and fan course through my body, and I even noticed the pitch lower and the sounds themselves slow down significantly, as if time itself was stopping. Such feelings would continue for the next hour, however I would also be more aware of the fact that scary faces began to appear. Faces scarier than anything I have ever seen before, scarier than any book or movie I have ever read or seen, save for many past acid trips. Faces with long, jagged teeth, decomposing bodies, blood, and decayed zombie-esque faces. My initial reaction was to open my eyes and stay away from such thoughts. However, once I realized that the images were persisting and getting worse, I, for some reason, said to myself, 'Really? Well okay, if that's what you want to do...bring it on!' I accepted and faced my fears, and as soon as that happened, the jagged, evil, menacing faces immediately turned into goofy, silly, non-threatening faces...it was absolutely amazing!
This process of scary faces appearing, my facing them, and them disappearing or changing seemed to go on for hours, but by the end of it all I could think of was the quote from the sci-fi masterpiece Dune - 'Fear is the mind killer.'
It was then that I realized that every single one of my greatest failings in life, all of the painful relationship issues, career and education issues, everything was due to fear. And the DOM (or my brain on DOM) was trying to teach me through action, to prove to me that if I face my fear...there is no reason to be afraid! I even journeyed to the darkest corners of my mind, filled with self-loathing, past thoughts of suicide, etc, and even thought to myself 'Oh, so this is the dark place, huh?'. I was not at all afraid. I imagined my death and the death of my mother with acceptance. Every time I allowed myself to feel fear, the faces reappeared, and every time I faced that fear, or made a correct choice, the faces would change to funny images, and I would be rewarded with BURSTS of color and beautiful imagery for getting the right answer. I had it proven to me within my own mind. Such an event and experience for me has the potential to be absolutely life changing, however we shall see.
It was here that I was reminded of a quote from John Wilmot:
Born to myself, I like myself alone;
And must conclude my Judgment good, or none:
For could my Sense be nought, how should I know
Whether another Man's were good or no.
If then I'm happy, what does it advance
Whether to Merit due, or Arrogance?
Oh, but the World will take Offence thereby!
Why then the World shall suffer for it, not I.
It was from this sense of absolute fearlessness that I regained, at least in part, a sense of spirituality that I had been desperately longing for during the last 4 years or so as someone who chose a faith that said that life was meaningless.
Basically, faith in myself, in my own success. I previously attempted to live a life where I routed out all aspects of faith, wherever I found them. However, cognitive dissonance arose when people pointed out that we use faith in every day life (not religious faith, mind you) in the form of probability.
Another question that I had never asked before was: What is the value of working towards 'accuracy' in a world view as the end goal, when a completely accurate web of belief is next to impossible (I would dare say it is impossible), when what we ought to be working towards is a web of belief with the most individual UTILITY! I am in no way attempting to spark a debate (not to say that I wouldn't be happy to answer any questions, I just don't want to seem presumptuous or as if I am trying to impose a hastily thought out system of ideas), however I feel greatly freed and uplifted by this ability to incorporate faith into my life once again. Not in the religious form it was in the past, but in a more spiritual form.
Thus, I pose a question, and while I don't mean to suggest that this is the only possible scenario, it helps to illustrate my point: If there exists an Atheist-leaning Agnostic who is logic driven and chooses such a path based on the goal of accuracy but has a web of belief that does not provide as much utility as other WoBs could, but he is correct, or someone who has a faith (be it supernatural or simply faith in ones self, or faith that things will work out okay, etc) that provides him with the most utility, and he is wrong, at the end of their lives, who was the smarter man?
Feel no obligation to answer this question, I simply put it here as food for thought.
At around 5:30 AM (6 hours and 30 minutes since the initial dose) the faces began to fade, along with the brightest and most intense of the colors. It was at this point that I began to notice the leg, back, and jaw cramps. They were slightly annoying, but not severe. I would eventually take 1 mg of ativan to help me fall asleep, though I was not able to do so until about 12:30 PM, a full 12 hours after the initial dose, with an ativan. I felt extremely burnt out, however once I woke from my nap, I felt greatly rejuvenated.
DOM has quickly become my favorite 'research chemical', and look forward to trying a little more some time down the road (we guesstimated this dose to be 7mg), though I do not plan to trip again for at least a month.
The process of conquering my fear and regaining some sense of spirituality has left me with a subtle, yet very strong sense of joy within me for which I am extremely grateful.
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