Citation: Jetty-P. "Not Worth It: An Experience with Cocaine (exp67476)". Erowid.org. Sep 27, 2017. erowid.org/exp/67476
||(powder / crystals)
I've been doing cocaine weekly for a couple of months now, and I'm stopping it before it takes any more of a hold of me.
As for how it feels to do coke...
I snort up my first line, and it burns for a second, then suddenly my nose is numb, my face is numb, and my teeth are numb. I taste it in your throat, which also becomes numb. Generally, I'll do another line right away. That's when it gets me. I'm suddenly on top of the world, I'm sexy, I'm smart, I'm quick thinking, I'm friendly, and outgoing. I have energy, and rhythm, and I want some more. Honestly, the fun part only lasts for a short time. Then after that, while I'm sitting around the coke like it's a leash, doing little bits at a time, I'm just in talking mode. I talk, and talk, and talk for hours. Throw some stretching into that. I make the coke the main priority in this, it's got to be accessible at all times. Then suddenly, I run out.
Slowly at first, then faster and faster, I crash. And when I say crash, I mean it. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep. My throat is dry and my voice is hoarse but I can't stop talking. I might have a panic attack. I am at the bottom of a pit, no longer on top of the world. I have a crazy headache, and my nose hurts so bad that it might even start bleeding.
And all I want is to do it all again.
After I get over the crash, the craving isn't SO severe, but it is still there. Once the crash is over it isn't so much of a physical need as just the mentality that it's the most amazing thing on earth. So if I don't have daily access to it, I'm ok, but I want it. Then let's say I can have it again the next weekend.
The first high isn't as intense as the last time. I feel amazing, yeah, but not for long. And it's all downhill for now.
All I want is to get that same amazing feeling I had the very first line, and I'll never get that again but I will always want it.
If I had been fighting this fight alone, I know for a fact I'd be a goner. I already was getting fucked up.. But my friend Alex was the one doing it with me, and together we decided that this is over. He made me promise to flush a rock of it that I had, and I did, and here is the blog that I wrote tonight, directly after flushing it:
Wow, I did it. I just flushed about $100 worth of cocaine down the toilet.
I did it because I promised Alex that I would. I still need to throw away the powdered stuff that is still in the cabinet, I guess I didn't have the will power yet to do that, but I threw away the rock, and it was HUGE.
It was hard, but at the same time not hard at all. That shit IS ADDICTING.
But yesterday's crash was pure misery.
Thinking about that alone makes me not want to ever do the shit again. I was exhausted and couldn't sleep. My heart was going so fast I was really afraid. It's COCAINE. That's the real shit, drugs. The stuff you're supposed to JUST SAY NO to.
When I started smoking weed, I always said 'Yeah, weed's no big deal.. But I'll never do anything hard, no chemicals..'
Then I did shrooms. Still not a chemical, but one step up.
Then Ecstasy. Chemical, but not one of the drugs you hear stories about.
Then.. COKE? Cocaine. And I hear myself saying 'It's not that big of a deal, people really just don't understand.'
Then hear I've been considering doing Ketamine. METHAMPHETAMINE... And still saying 'Well, I'd never do heroin.'
But I know damn good an well that if it were offered to me, I'd try it thinking 'It's just once, not like I'll get addicted.'
And that is how it starts. That's how they tell you it starts, but I didn't understand until recently.
Addiction sneaks up on you. You don't actually think 'I need it' you just think of it as obvious. You just want to have it for when you are having fun, then when you wake up to give you a boost. Then when you're walking to the bus stop. Then when you're at the mall, in the KIDS BATHROOM snorting off the diaper changing station. Then when you're waiting for your friends, and you go into the diner and snort of the toilet lid, then tell them you were just going to the bathroom.
Fuck addiction, I'm too stubborn to let it sneak up on me anymore.
I flushed it.
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