Citation: George Bush. "Suprisingly Introspective: An Experience with Modafinil (Provigil) (exp67442)". Erowid.org. Apr 19, 2010. erowid.org/exp/67442
Previous drug use history: Alcohol, cocaine, dimenhydrinate, tobacco, and my fair share of cannabis.
Setting: At my home late night, family in bed so no worries on my mind.
Let me start off by first mentioning some key things that will have much to do with this experience, the mindset if you will.
I am 16 and my parents are divorced. I live with my mom, my brother, and my sister who is away at college. I currently wasn’t on any speaking terms with my father ever since I had an overdose on Dramamine looking for a cheap high that was more than I bargained for. We parted on the terms that he thought I had a drug problem and thought I should seek help. I insisted that it was a mistake and a one-time thing, but told him that I would continue to use cannabis. It continued to escalate and eventually ended up with him telling me not to ever ask for his help again and my self revolting back claiming I didn’t need him or his help.
It was late night roughly 1am+, and everyone was going to bed already. I had no intention of going to sleep so early being that it was a Friday. Though there wasn’t much to do besides watch TV, just being the only one up was like an escape from the rest of the crappy day. At my school there was a fight and resulted in putting the whole school in “lockdown”, leaving us in our home room for 3 hours till the end of school.
My sister usually comes home for the weekends from college but was not there. She is prescribed a bunch of medication going through a rough break up and one of them is something called Provigil. I asked her one time what it was for and she said it was for her narcolepsy, but I think they are to counteract her anxiety medication. Anyway, I went in to her room and got the bottle, looked it over, and took 4 200mg pills. I went into the kitchen and downed them with some soda. From there on I continued to watch TV with anticipation for something to happen, almost excitement.
I remember about 20 minutes into it my throat had a feeling like it was numb, reminding me of my previous cocaine experience. It caught me by surprise. “This is a pharmaceutical drug. Weird….” It didn’t bother me though, I welcomed it. While I was watching TV, I noticed I was becoming increasingly energetic as time passed. Not like an amphetamine, a heightened sense of awareness accompanied with a little anxiety. I also had a couple muscle twitches here and there, nothing overwhelming though.
At this I decided take the rest of the night in my room and was anxious (in an excited way) to watch a movie I had about growing cannabis. Before, I used to think the movie was poorly produced and executed, but that night was different. I was grateful to intake all the information about such a wonderful plant. I was amazed by all the knowledge this one man knew about the substance that I take most liking to and began to fantasize about growing marijuana and being able to meet the man on the TV, to just be in his presence, maybe even interview him, and smoke with him of course. This person whom I had completely overlooked in the past had become an icon to me in a very short time. By this time, I knew the drug was taking its psychoactive effects on me, and I embraced it to its fullest by paying full attention to anything occurring at the time.
When the movie had ended (around 4am), I decided it would be best to ride the night out jamming to my ipod just lying in bed contemplating my life given my altered state. From herein my train of thought was nothing but life embracing fantasies until it came to a crucial stop.
I started thinking about my family, as to why I acted so different around them then I do when around peers. I figured out that I am 2 different people, and that I would always be contempt with my life and self until I figured out a way to be myself around my family and my friends alike. But it also came to me that if that were to happen and my family rejected me, that I shouldn’t have to change for anyone but myself, and if they did not respect this, that I should still love them as much as if they did, because I’ve realized my family is more valuable than myself, them being one of the only few things in this life I will always have as long as I live.
On this, I started thinking about my dad, being that I was in bad terms with him. I knew that I had to make my peace with him as best I could, and I would be filled with remorse until I know I’ve done so. Though I know I would still continue to use cannabis (but quit tobacco and alcohol, coming to the realization that both are ultimately poisons that offers no benefits, only misery) and make no plans to change my ways for anyone other than my self, I think that I shouldn’t have to change my ways to come to peaceful terms with my own father or anyone else that is kin (it being a right of freedom of choice). All I can really do is try to make him and everyone near and dear see that my drug use is ultimately a trivial reason to hold to grudge. That he should love me unconditionally as I should him, and savor the little time we have left with each other enjoying it, and not in regret of grief. If he can not do so, then so be it. I would still love him with no conditions, and that’s all that he and everyone close to me ultimately need to know.
Though I have come to all these realizations, I don’t know as to whether I am ready to make the radical changes necessary to live the conceptual life that has come to mind through my psychoactive experience. I imagine the only way to accomplish this is to almost lose my human-egotistical self, the only me I really know, and become more animal, but technically we are animals, so why does this concept seem so alien and difficult to accomplish? It sounds crazy to me, but the more I think about it, the more it seems the human life is the alien life and going back to our animal selves is the only sane option left.
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