Citation: Radcliffe. "It is Belief Turned Reality: An Experience with Mushrooms - Panaeolus cyanescens (exp67408)". Erowid.org. Dec 5, 2011. erowid.org/exp/67408
So, you’re thinking about doing it.
You know where you can get them, there is time soon to use them. And now you’re here, reading my words, hoping they will be the ones to finalize your decision?
Which ever that will be?
Having read many articles from this lovely archive you’ve ascertained the following:
1) Using mushrooms is a bit of a balancing act.
2) You will gain some sort of insight on your life and those around you.
3) Everything will become ‘important’ under the influence, and connections much stronger.
These are descriptions and results, the best thing I hope to offer you with this one is an explanation as to why these effects come on. As I travelled up from baseline to peak I lost context and preconception with any thought or circumstance that I could conjure or come across, then came back down rediscovering and recreating thought for each thing put before me. It gives a completely fresh set of eyes on the world while maintaining an adult mind to interpret what is seen. If you really want full detail, read on, it’s quite long.
I have done a quick run of the house. Anything that would bother me normally is gone; some doors are kept wide open, some closed to avoid any issues. It’s 4:00pm and that loud phone in the computer room is unhooked. Some relaxing music is at the ready should I get spooked and need to change the atmosphere. All regular precautions with exception of a sitter have been taken. I have taken three light doses - two without much effect - one month prior today to get an idea of how the drug affects me. So far all I know is it makes whatever I imagine, much easier to believe.
All things told, there is work to do. I sit down drinking the heavy tea brew and attack the day’s assignment of sinusoidal functions all tied up in fractions, using the side-table lamp as a gauge for my ascendency.
That couch is so darn comfy, and the sun is starting to set. I stick my legs over the couch’s arms. My chemistry is being meddled somehow, it feels like I’ve shifted upwards but it might be my excitement. I check the lamp, still normal. I glance up at the roof where it splashes a small circle of light and see that it’s… turning? Yes, clockwise, then counter-clockwise, just a little.
I’m throwing on some music to lighten the atmosphere around here, it is a big empty house with plenty of windows. I don’t want to be scared. When I start playing music it feels like really I should just dance a bit. There are six portraits in this room, so I look at the one with the sternest face holding a baby and say; “watch this.” which I used to do as a kid when there was something that had to be seen, but never ever, really seen.
Oh yeah, dancing feels good alright, despite Scatman’s ramblings I can suddenly keep up with his (j)ibberish and pump feet into the ground at the same rhythm. I check my gauge; the lamps are all still shining plain. I turn back to the stubborn portrait. “Just you wait lady, we are going on a trip.” She doesn’t look impressed, but her baby is still paying attention. So I throw on some faster techno to see if I can make her smile.
“God, you’re a tough one.” I say to her now, slumping onto the ground. The other portraits are smiling as usual, but now it seems because they’re much more pleased with my efforts to entertain the sixth. If I’m under the effects I’m still unsure because I’ve been like this without provocation before. Now I feel another ‘shift’ upwards and check the lamps. No halos. I turn my gaze to the standing lamp which casts a huge variation of light onto the roof. Though I can see it sober, it hadn’t occurred to me how much it looks like the gills of a mushroom. The lamp much more like a stem now, I exhale, exhausted, and the tendrils of light above me respond and ripple with the breath. “Oh my.” I put my hand on my chest, the heart’s pounding, but it’s beat is funny, it’s in time with the bass now. “We are going on a trip.” I say, I feel like my hand can get very close to my heart, almost grasp it.
Movement is becoming far more enjoyable. Touch has become my most influenced sense. I leave the computer room (now declared the safe room) by gliding along the floors on my belly. Wanting to test how astounding things that normally take away my breath are now. I go to read a passage from Atlas Shrugged but the cat is causing trouble (I’m distinctly aware she is not part of the trip.) I put her outside. Focus starts to become difficult. It seems most any new circumstance becomes the most important one. The importance seems to be in the immense enjoyment in any task I undertake. As far as I can tell, the drug is inhibiting the signals that would normally fire away to state; (1) This is a book, (2) you got it from the library at the school that’s (3) full of complainers, drama, and teachers demanding passes. (4) This book has inspired you and these are the characters inside in it etc. etc. Now it was just a book, and all I knew was that overall I loved it. The expectations formed from precedent were slipping away.
It’s pretty clear now that my brain can only really handle the present. Sensory perception is way off scale. If I run up the stairs I feel light; my mind assuming I should still be going up. If I run back down them I feel heavy, assuming that I should still be going down. If I sink into my bed a little, I continue to sink into it. By now whatever I am stating is starting to become the truth. At this point, my mind is accepting both imagination and sensory information as fact. I can push my skin around like puddy if I only feel it. If I state that everything wants to ‘fall to the right’, then I am pulled in that direction. If I state my hand is heavy, it drops down like a weight. There is immense potential in this. I take twenty minutes to finally complete my task of getting a cigarette and deciding where best to smoke it, being distracted by all the mes being reflected everywhere and what I have to say to myself. I am constantly looking at the clock, each time elated that I still haven’t peaked.
I still have access to memory. Now I have to keep moving, if I stop moving my mind exaggerates it and I start to de-animate into stone. It is a rule that I must keep moving about. There is far more significance in everything now as they all evoke emotions, whatever I imagine of what I am seeing; it represents all those things simultaneously. It may be that my brain is devoting all it’s power to only a few things at once. I certainly lose any sense of self whenever I am enraptured by something. Laying on the bed, I feel like my body is being split into two, but it’s such a pleasant affair, like I’m shedding a cocoon. I am constantly fighting being heavy, the more I think about it, the more it becomes the new reality.
To combat being stone I tell myself I am actually a feather. I become very light but am easily blown across the room! I see my legs and remember; “I am a man!” And I get up, then realize, ha, if I can be anything, why be a man!? I proceed to be a tree, a mushroom, a French Informant, a paratrooper, my shadow… Finally, cigarette in hand, a CD now playing, I take the risk of stepping outside. Outside. It is so dark out, and cold, my feet instantly feel numb, so then does most of my body. The variance in life and light instantly suggest to me that outside is after life. Things here have no leaves, they are worn down, I am not dead, but I am someone alive in a place that’s still and void of life. “Can’t get hurt if I’m the only thing here.” I say, and confidently light up, cigarettes are a guilty pleasure of mine, taken only a few times a year. My shadow as I sit on the railing is ball shaped, so I mistake my own body to be ball shaped. I am now Humpty Dumpty.
Now something goes wrong. The CD skips. In fact, it starts repeating the words “you lit, you lit, you lit.” [hush now you little boy] My auditory is already distorted as it is, (try speaking aloud and allowing your voice to carry away and not be able to speak!) so this sounds just horrible. To make it worse, I did light, I lit up a cigarette, and now I am being accused viciously. “God!” This could go really bad, really fast. I leave the dead zone and close the door. The mood is worsening; I switch to the relaxing music and douse the cig… Things are better. But now I know I must return to that place, the place where I lit. Because there are matches out there and my family would not be pleased. Now I open the door and it flows on it’s hinges. The inside part is bright and varnished, as it swings open it’s opposite side pealing and bland is exposed. That is the side of death. I have to return to the dead land. The music ‘The Water’ by Fiest, seems to be describing my situation perfectly with her voice, it’s almost theatrical.
Someone phoned a while ago, it turns out it was a friend of mine. The phone is an amazing tool, he is far far away, yet right beside me. I try to talk to him, but every word I say is influencing my reality, if I ask him to talk slowly, I start slowing down and so forth. He tells me to phone him back, he doesn’t have many minutes left. This seems very important. It is probably because it means whatever I imagine it to mean. He says I have to ask for his room number, he’s in a hotel out of town. (The plot thickens.) Then he hangs up. I phone and politely ask to be put through to my friend’s room. “Of Course,” he says. These two words embody far more meaning then I can write out. His tone is interpreted now with every scenario I can imagine. “Of Course” is a bouncer’s snarled reply to my query over entry to a pub. “Of Course” is a waiter smiling grandly, as I ask for a glass of champagne from his tray. “Of Course” is a friend doing me a favour without asking for one in turn. That is all the weight attached to words right there.
Time progresses and stops. I had turned on the faucet for a second. The water splashed and seemed to freeze within seconds, this coincided with a perfectly real slow down and end of the song that had been playing. Time stops, until the track starts playing again.
I let the cat back in and feel having done so, I have just come full circle back to when I had originally let her out, I feel like I am now running everything in reverse and returning to my original state of mind. As it turns out I was. I end up on the phone with the girlfriend I have been none too happy with. The more I talk to her, the more coherent my sentences become and the more of reality I begin to remember. There are other people beyond this room, other people own cats… I am able again to apply context to what I am saying, but it is still completely absent of the preconceptions and precedence. So I can say crystal clearly and in a matter I have never been able to pinpoint what it is that she does that bothers me. By the time I’m done talking to her she feels immensely happier and actually begins to grasp what kind of reality I live in normally. It was an incredible feeling to be coming down. Everything is new, all the sounds coming out of my mouth, (now that I can remember having said them and know that I am a person.) are so fresh I want to speak in every tone I can.
This lasted 36 hours but I’ve given you a long play by play as it is. Suffice to say, everything was seen as if I was coming across it for the first time, any frills or gimmicks were so easily cut through that I actually didn’t enjoy my episode of House. The following day as I returned to school, as things progressed I kept saying to myself. “So this is how things are done here?” In the second day, I had returned quite to normal with my full memory, and started to write this.
Using this drug was a wonderful idea. It allowed me to jumpstart my perspective and it took me to a level of insanity I have often pleaded for when in dismay. While the startlingly clear insight is a wonderfully ecstatic moment, it only happened to me as I came back down and ultimately it did not teach me any new theory of life or perspective I had been missing. I found actually, that in those matters I would be happier sober, with something being important because it has accumulated the history that makes it so, then to be unable to hold something in my life above something else. I plan to use it in the future with a list of instructions written on me before hand.
My relationships are better,
My resolve to do well in education is stronger,
My will to enjoy life is ever present.
So yeah, your damn right I recommend them.
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