Citation: Bean fiend. "Fiendish Excess: An Experience with MDMA & Various (exp66948)". Erowid.org. Feb 6, 2016. erowid.org/exp/66948
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I won't bore with the details of my profound, life-changing epiphanies and revelations. First experience when I was 18 was one pill done in two halves over the night at a high school party, summer 2005. From there the chase was on. A few days after my first small dose, I dropped 9 over 3 days at a summer music festival, and then 3 a night at various parties and gatherings.
In September, I began university, and spent three weeks straight taking various doses of E every day in a small group (I estimate eating around 60 pills in twenty one days). Despite the initial rushes seeming less and less significant and profound, the quest for 'mash' was unabated. I felt closer to that group of people during that time than any other segment of my life, and while every second of it was exciting, deep and Ďecstaticí, just about every second was depraved, objectively twisted, and so exclusive that I missed out on just about any other part of life at that time.
After this, I continued to drop every week or so (really at every opportunity that arose) until summertime, when I failed, dropped out and went home. Of course my drug habits played a large part in dropping out. And all through this, I didnít truly believe that I was addicted.
I had a good four or five months completely off it, while I settled into a self-destructive cycle of chronic pot smoking and deep depression, until I met some old dropping buddies in Oct 06 and dropped again. That four month break had done great things, it was like dropping for the first time again. And so, of course, Iíd rediscovered my revelation and it all started over again.
At first I was good, kept it to once a month for the first 3 months, until I threw a party last March that was, in essence, a large number of people with an even larger bag of pills. This sparked off a group of my friends who were discovering it for the first time, and again I was drawn back to fiending. From March 07 till September, we were dropping at least once a week. As the summer came on, and responsibilities seemed even more blurry and distant, the dropping intensified.
I remember many many weeks where I was dropping four or five days in a row. At the end of the parties, after staying up all night dropping, I would set out in the daylight to adventure around just about anywhere, sometimes with company, sometimes alone, but always accompanied by a few more pills. It was like every time I was on it, I never wanted it to end. The word ďobsessionĒ has never seemed so apt since I realized I was in the grips of this one.
Of course I began dealing: the classic case where you ďonly deal to support your own habitĒ. This only made it worse: suddenly, I could munch all the pills I fancied every week, and money wasnít even a consideration. I was easily chomping through more than 30 pills a week to myself.
There comes a point with MDMA where the very notion of adaptive tolerance is a joke, as if it never existed. Throughout that summer I would knock back a minimum of 12-15 pills on any given night. After the 7th, the overwhelming effects would usually fade, until everything became very simple, clear, deep and powerful. The world and its contents had such strong meaning, at times I didnít even miss the euphoric waves, so powerful was this new plane that I entered whenever I would binge.
I began to realize that I could do this all the time, settle into a constant modified reality the way I used to when smoking green every day. When I read about the now infamous case of the ď40,000 E manĒ, who reached a habit of 25 pills a day for four years, I felt like I had an audience with the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Now Iím 20, and just started over at university again after a year out. I started uni this year with the plan of a nice long break, 2 months at least. I lasted 18 days, and have dropped on seven occasions since then (its now 9th Nov). Whilst thatís not great, itís an improvement.
Throughout all this (though this is not yet the end of MDMA for me, I am sure)
I have gained:
A greater understanding of people, interactions, reactions and relationships
An ease and familiarity with myself
A beautiful appreciation for everything beautiful
I canít list more, there are thousands of these tiny improvements to life
I have lost:
My sense of humour (Iím not sure why/how, but I used to find and make comedy in everything I did, now I can barely crack a rare joke)
My memory (I canít remember trivial things I discuss in conversation with people. Itís not a terrible affliction, but there is never a day when I donít forget many many things, even stuff from yesterday)
I feel a lot slower, intellectually
I have lost TIME
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