Citation: Nasty-Nate. "Fully Restored Self-Confidence: An Experience with Cocaine (exp66834)". Erowid.org. Dec 25, 2018. erowid.org/exp/66834
||(powder / crystals)
On Saturday, I used cocaine for the second time in my life. And boy, was it a step up from the first time.
As a preface, I have experimented with quite a few drugs in the past including, weed, mushrooms, opium, a slew of pharmaceuticals, ecstasy and cocaine.
The first time I did coke, it just felt like an extreme caffeine rush, nothing really all that memorable or even pleasurable.
Fast forward about 4 months. My buddy J and I stopped off at a buddy, B's house to drop something off. I had met B, 2 times before and generally thought he was a pretty cool guy. We got to his apt and he answered the door. He seemed noticeably more engaging, happy and social. His welcome was unusually warm, but this observation remained dormant in the back of my mind.
We get to talking, and my buddy J (an experienced drug user) knew that B was high on coke. He could tell. He kept sniffing, he was more socially engaging and he had a very distinct twinkle in his eye. Yup, he was riding that train.
B informed us that he had some friends in town, and had picked up some coke earlier on in the day, and asked us if we were down for a line. His exact words were “I got some whit stuff.” As soon as he said that, it was like a light switched on in my brain and I knew it was on.
He brought out 1 small little white baggie about a ½ in x ½ in filled with white crystals. B informed us that the stuff was good and that we should take a line. He asked for my credit card and begin cutting up the stuff on his round darkened glass table. I thought I was in the movie, Scarface.
(side note: I am literally getting giddy as I write this account, which is admittedly a bit disconcerting, but nevertheless a detail I feel obligated to include.)
So B, takes a dollar bill out of his pocket and begins to roll it up, but J, with a coolness only he displays at the most opportune times, stops him, and pulls a $20 out of his wallet. We were not about to do some high quality blow out of a dollar bill. The occasion called for a 20spot.
There were 3 lines, one for each of us. I cut mine in half, and took pleasure in lining up the coke in a straight, neat, snortable line.
Before, I get into the actual effects, I will describe my mental state. I had just started a new job, which I already seem to dislike. The people at work were cool, but I just felt, and still feel that I don’t fit in with the group. I have a history of low self esteem, and depression, and was feeling pretty shitty all that week. In fact, that same day with J earlier, we had smoked some weed, and I just felt horrible. I felt so disinterested towards life, I felt so “over it.” I won’t go as far as a feeling of “hopelessness,” but I was definitely feeling some very negative feelings. The type of feelings you experience where you just want to be alone, and left alone by the world.
J and I, had had a falling out about 1 month earlier and we were still trying to reconcile, what I feel to be an irreconcilable relationship. I thought of him as a brother, he thought of me as merely a friend of convenience. The fact that we weren’t as tight as we once were, definitely weighed heavily on my mind in the last month. Overall, I felt a tremendous lack of self confidence. I felt small inside. I felt like I hadn’t been able to be myself in years, and I longed for the days of past, when I was younger and life was much, much simpler.
Well, that all changed in a manner of thirty seconds. I took the first hit, not expecting much. But then it came on, and it was game on. I felt a complete restoration of self-confidence. I didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought of me, in that room, in the world, anywhere. Any form of self-doubt was completely annihilated.
I felt a complete restoration of self-confidence. I didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought of me, in that room, in the world, anywhere. Any form of self-doubt was completely annihilated.
I felt complete and utter, unstoppable confidence in everything that came out of my mouth. I’m normally a gregarious person, but my lack of self-confidence usually masks that, and I come off as this quiet introvert. I became so unbelievably social. I was telling stories, cracking jokes and just not giving a flying fuck. I was riding that train. And I was lettin it ride!
But the physical sensations were equally amazing. I felt so alive, I just felt awesome. The words “Yeah!” come to mind. It was like this giant “Yes!!!!” And it didn’t stop there. Me and B were getting along great, since he responded too the coke the same way I did. We were exchanging stories and laughing, and pretty much having a blast.
B then goes to his kitchen and brings out another gram-bag. I literally felt like a kid on Christmas morning coupled with burgeoning self-confidence and physical sensations of gaiety and splendor. I gladly took another hit along with B and J. The party continued and I was still caught in the lust of the white lines.
In terms of satisfaction, the night could have ended there. I felt like I had done a good amount of coke, and was pleased with the experience. B, on the other hand was just getting started. We finished the rest of the bag and continued to rage on.
Another buddy was gonna pick J and I up, since we were in no condition to drive. We were about to leave and B offered us another line for the road. I couldn’t resist and we did our 3rd gram that night between the three of us. I snorted that coke like I had been doing it my whole life. I loved the coke and it loved me.
The effects lasted another 3 hours when we went back to J’s house… until I began to come down.
At first the comedown felt like reduced sensations. I was simply losing my high. I experienced this for about an hour and it wasn’t unpleasant. However, what goes up, must come down. I began to be filled with anxiety. I knew it was my central nervous systems reaction to the drug losing its effects. The anxiety was intense, and I began praying to God to stay close to me. I prayed to God to be with me, and to help me get through this. I layed down on J’s couch, and I was sweating. I was so hot. My prayer seemed to help combat the anxiety, and I really did feel very close to God. I felt like He was helping me through the descent. It took me a while to fall asleep, and I must have gotten about an hour of sleep the whole night. The comedown was pretty difficult. I was telling myself how the coke was too easy. It was just so damn easy. I could clearly see the addictive potential of the drug.
You see, coke was the single most effective solution to my life struggles. Suddenly, my inner pain was subdued. It was like a wild stallion within me had been tamed. I felt so comfortable. It literally filled the giant void in my soul. It filled me with self confidence. It helped me be myself. It helped me to not give the minutest fuck about anything.
However, coke scares me. It was a very, very powerful drug, and I already feel very uncomfortable about the white line I crossed last night. If I come across coke again, I feel that I will be able to resist. But it will take intense discipline and self-control.
Overall, the experience was great. But the next day, my coke high added nothing to my overall sense of well-being. I still felt a great disconnect between J and I, and I knew the feelings I had experienced were induced by nothing more than a synthesized cocoa plant. To put it simply, it was a fake, empty experience. It was a temporary fix. It changed nothing about me. It did not improve the quality of my life.
To put it simply, it was a fake, empty experience. It was a temporary fix. It changed nothing about me. It did not improve the quality of my life.
I now have to live life knowing the profound sublimity of coke. But I haven’t felt that good in a long, long time, and in truth, it was so damn worth it.
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