Citation: opioidlover. "Out of Whack Priorities: An Experience with Morphine & Oxycodone (exp66489)". Erowid.org. Jul 17, 2017. erowid.org/exp/66489
I've been playing with mind altering substances for the better part of 10 years now.
The earlier years saw me doing things like alcohol, marijuana, dxm, allergy & motion sickness pills, klonopin & valium.
Then later on I managed to get a connection for 40 and 80 milligram oxycontin, 15, 30 and 100 milligram morphine pills, and pretty much every other painkiller in common use - vicodin, vicoprofen, percocet, darvon, davocet, ultram, methadone & suboxone. And even later on I managed to find a supplier of black tar heroin. During this span of time that I've spent doing painkillers I've even experimented with cocaine and mushrooms, neither of which did I end up really liking or doing very much, but nevertheless, they had their place in this period of time in my life.
The only positive thing I can say about my experience with opioids (aside from the pleasurable effects of course) is that once I knew that I had found my substance(s) of choice, my use of the other drugs was either dramatically reduced or stopped altogether. I have quit using everything else except for the occasional sack of weed which I have found beautifully accentuates the narcotic high in a way that's impossible to achieve with either substance alone.
However, sadly and much to my disappointment, I have become extremely addicted to narcotics. My tolerance has risen to a level that requires that I take at the very least about 30 milligrams of oxycodone (or equivalent in another narcotic) twice a day just to ensure that the ills of withdrawal aren't felt. At this dose, there is no pleasurable effect anymore, whereas when I first started, this amount would be enough to have me nodding for a good amount of time. If I want to get high I have to take somewhere well over 100 milligrams of oxycodone to get a decent noddy effect. I sorely miss being able to take a quarter of an OC80, nod off and feel as if I had to concentrate on breathing. Even more so do I miss only having to spend about 20-40 dollars to be able to stay faded for almost 2 days straight.
I thought I had control... In the beginning I really did. But somewhere along the lines I got my priorities screwed up. Somewhere along the lines I decided to get greedy and had to feel great more than just on the weekends with friends. Somewhere along the lines I decided that moderation had gotten old and that I could handle more without getting addicted. Only on the weekends turned into every 3 or 4 days, then to every couple of days, to every other day, to every day. Then I noticed it wasn't lasting as long as before and the inner glow started to fade. So I compensated by taking more and figured no harm no foul. Then I began to notice that when I'd have to go for a day or two without, my legs and sometimes my back would become extremely achey. The first few times I rode it out. It wasn't that bad. Hot baths helped when the pain began to get to the unbearable level.
Now I'm at a point where I'm in a constant struggle just to feel normal. The times when I'm able to actually get high and enjoy it for any good amount of time are still too short and too far in between. It's no longer about having fun and chilling with friends. Now it's about avoiding chills and hot flashes, insomnia, aches and depression, waking up soaked with sweat and feeling so very tired but not being able to sleep. I know it's coming when my stomach begins to ache. Then desperation sets in. Taking money from my mom, looking for fronts, eating immodium like candy. When it sets in I cant even get high on weed. It just makes me a little tired and if nothing else just helps me get a precious 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I hate that I ruined such a good thing.
So many people are of the opinion that there is no spiritual side to narcotics... To the contrary, I have had some of the hardest and most important spiritual lessons while on narcotics. The lesson of how over-indulgence can lead to suffering and depression. How the practicing of moderation truly is a very important part of being human. How loss of self control can lead to not only personal suffering, but the sadness and suffering of those around you that are forced to witness you lose control. And the relationships that are broken because your loss of control drives you to steal and lie to those you love. Although these are tough lessons and consequences to have to deal with, I'm a believer in the saying that if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. I'm hopeful that eventually I can break free of this addiction. Once you've gone this far happiness and fun seem like very distant dreams at best.
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