Citation: NotDamaged. "Benevolence Towards the High, Annoyance at the Sober: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp66373)". Erowid.org. May 15, 2010. erowid.org/exp/66373
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I tried writing about my first experience with Ecstasy in my diary, but I think I left it too long and some of the memories had faded. This time, I want to record everything I can remember while it's still fresh! So it's the day after, and I'm sitting at my pc chilling out with some Zero 7 on the stereo. As with my first time on E, my 'supplier' was my Dad. Perhaps this is a bit strange, but my parents have vast experience with recreational drugs compared to me. Virtually no one else I know does anything more than smoke cannabis. Also I can trust my parents to give me the good stuff - as they know what they're doing and have already tried some of the batch.
So my Dad and I had some tickets to see UK dance act Underworld. You may have heard their most famous song 'Born Slippy' back in the 90's. When my Dad spoke to me about the gig a few weeks ago, he notified me that he had some Ecstasy saved up for it and would offer me some at the time. I was excited about the prospect, but also a little nervous. I had enjoyed my first experience with the drug over a year ago, at a festival in Holland while watching the Prodigy. But I hadn't had any since, and find it hard to block out the alarming 'drugs will kill you' messages that I had been fed at school.
Anyway I hurried over to my parents house for some quick food before the 7pm 'doors open' time. My Dad advised me to take the E before eating dinner as he claimed it would take an hour to kick in. He told me 'Two tablets is a low dose, five is rather a lot.' Being a cautious creature, I was happy just to take two. He had four. I swallowed them down quickly with some mineral water. My much younger brother was in the house and we didn't want him to see anything. We sat down to eat the food my Dad had made. After no more than twenty minutes I started to feel very cold. I wasn't sure, was it the drugs, was it just a bit cold? The hairs on my arms were standing up. Soon after, still eating, I experienced a 'swimmy' feeling and felt unco-ordinated. I said to my Dad, 'I'm feeling a bit funny already.' He said I might be right. The food became rather unappetising after that and I couldn't finish it. I quickly went upstairs to change my top and put some make up on. When I looked in the mirror I could see my pupils were huuuuge. I decided against using my eyeliner - I was afraid I might poke it into my eye!
I went downstairs again and we hurried to leave. We'd only been able to get seated tickets and wanted to be sure of a good view. The venue wasn't far away, but we planned to get a bus to be there in plenty of time. It happened that there was an international football game on and the area was full of drunken football fans going into the city centre to celebrate after the match. Before we left I called my partner and tried to leave him a message, but I realised I was incoherent and said I would talk to him later. As we were about to leave he rang me back and I talked a little to him while we walked to the bus stop. I could hardly focus on what he was saying however and felt an urgency about getting to the gig, so I soon said goodbye to him.
We waited a bit and managed to get on a bus. We sat at the back chattering nonsense, anticipating the gig and so on. Suddenly my Dad said, 'Oh my God, I don't have THE TICKETS!' He looked at me in horror. I had a better grip on reality than he did, and quickly jumped up saying we'd have to get off the bus. We had to push past a lot of drunk men who had got on after us. As I passed a man near the front he said jovially, 'Have a good night!' Then he looked at me more closely and said, 'I'm sure you will...' I thought he must have noticed my huge eyes.
Luckily we hadn't gone far and jogged back up towards the house. Evidently my Dad found me too slow and said he would just run ahead and get the tickets. I slowed to an ambling speed, content just to wander up the road feeling high. I felt very relaxed and safe. As I reached the end of my parents' street, my Dad reappeared with the tickets in hand. Then he said, 'Oh but I don't have any change for the bus now.' I commented that this is what happens when you take the drugs before you set off, but he didn't think that was why he'd forgotten the tickets.
We dithered on the corner for a few minutes. My Dad was highly confused by the choices: go back to the house for change, get a taxi instead, or just quickly walk up the road to the venue? I was feeling restless and said, 'Why are we hanging around on this corner?' I felt that we might dither there forever. At that my Dad jogged back up the road towards the house without saying anything. I made as if to follow him, but suddenly I was uncertain about which direction he had gone in. I waited patiently for him to come back, totally unconcerned. The area was unusually busy due to the football, people coming and going constantly. I seemed to hear a lot of sirens as well, but perhaps the drugs were exaggerating it. In all there was a sense of relentless activity and excitement that matched my state of mind quite well. I felt as if I was in the middle of something big, even though I was just standing around watching people walk past.
Suddenly he reappeared and we started walking very quickly towards the venue. I felt light and floaty, it was easy to hurry along. It was much later than we had intended by now, although my perception of time was very distorted and I kept checking it on my phone. We chatted away, feeling more relaxed now that we were on the move. I had an awfully dry mouth by this time so we stopped in a corner shop to buy some water. We sipped some and I felt better. At the start of our walk I felt very cold and my Dad gave me his jacket to wear. But by the time we reached the corner shop I was feeling very warm and gave him back the jacket, taking off my sweater as well.
My Dad was still slightly worried about finding a good seat, but I felt very relaxed about it and felt strongly that we would have a good time no matter what. Such optimism and lack of anxiety is strange to me. Lots of busses passed us, but they weren't even stopping any more as they were crammed full of people and no more could get on. I was glad to be walking instead of trapped there with so many people. We suddenly arrived at the venue. We could tell nothing much was happening yet as loads of people were just milling around outside. We hurried in, and were patted down by security. They took my bottle of water away, which I thought a little mean but not suprising. I bounded towards the entrance to the main hall, forgetting that the seated area was upstairs. The ticket checker turned me away towards the stairs.
As we approached, we saw a man and a woman standing at the bottom of the stairs. They offered to swap their standing tickets for our seated tickets. It sounded too good to be true, so my Dad asked them why they wanted to sit. The man explained that the woman was pregnant, even pulling aside her jacket to demonstrate the bump. We examined their tickets alongside ours in case they were forgeries - one of the things I like about ecstasy, in comparison to alcohol for example, is that people seem less likely to make stupid mistakes. Satisfied that the tickets were real we happily swapped and headed back to the main hall, amazed at our luck. I felt a little apprehensive approaching the same ticket checker with a different ticket, but she didn't remark on it. Once inside we went to the bar and got cups of water with ice. Despite all our delays, the hall was virtually empty and the support band hadn't even started. We sat down on the floor and chattered away again. The amphetamine side of E seems to affect me quite strongly and the urge to talk is very strong. Perhaps because I'm naturally quite reticent, my mind welcomes the opportunity to spill out all its thoughts instead of holding them in.
At this point my Dad offered me more E and I decided to take one more. He passed it to me in a clandestine fashion and I swallowed it straight away. We talked away and sipped our water. I was very aware of not drinking too much. At one point I went to the toilets, only to find I couldn't pee. I reported this to my Dad - not information I would normally share with anyone! He reassured me that funny things like that sometimes happen on E. Eventually the support band came on and we stood up, dancing a little but saving our energy for the main act. As the hall gradually filled up, there seemed to be a mass feeling of anticipation - something amazing was surely just around the corner.
After the support band we sat down again for a while, talking the whole time. When Underworld finally walked onto the stage the crowd went crazy. It seemed like a lot of people, although not everyone, had taken something similar to what we had. I haven't so far really experienced love for strangers or a wish to hug them while on Ecstasy. Don't get me wrong - I love to see the other people dancing and soak in the atmosphere. I do feel some kinship with the other people, especially if I think they are on drugs too. I feel far more tolerant of sweaty people being in close contact with me than I normally would. But it feels more like benevolence than affection.
We danced like crazy, each new track sounding better than the last. Despite this, I still kept checking the time and notified my Dad when an hour had passed so that we could go get another drink. Again I felt impressed that I could remember to check the time when I was otherwise so carried away with it all. I decided to have an orange juice this time, thinking something with a taste would reduce the temptation to gulp it down. We went back to dance again, I benevolently allowed a man to have a sip of my orange juice so he could wash down some drugs he was taking. I was clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth quite a lot, the next morning I discovered my lip was horribly swollen where I had bitten it. I'd bitten the inside of my cheek and my tongue as well.
I remember dancing a lot and being very sweaty, but the rest of the gig is a bit of a blur of music, lights and people. A few moments stand out very vividly however. When they played Born Slippy, everyone loved it of course. As the last few bars of the music rang out, the crowd was bathed in a strong white light and everyone waved their arms ecstatically, or I think they did since I couldn't actually see much. I had this very strange idea that this was an accurate representation of the gates of heaven. I don't even believe in heaven, but I just thought that if it existed it would be like this - this light and this music welcoming us all. It was truly transcendent and as I type, just thinking about it produces a strong emotional response in me.
Another point I remember is when they played a song called 'King of Snake'. The only lyrics I'd ever made out from this song before were basically 'King of snake, king of snake'. This time however, I could swear he was sometimes singing 'You've got to drink, drink, drink, drink and pee, drink and pee.' Then later, 'There's a lot of teeth grinding, teeth grinding.' Naturally I took this to be a direct reference to, or even advice to, the people in the crowd who had taken Ecstasy. This knowledge of, and acceptance of, the drug use of the audience made me feel like there was a strong connection and sympathy between Underworld and the rest of us. Another time I remember is when the screen on the stage showed the audience - everyone cheered and waved at themselves. Then the pictures of the audience started to move about, in a way that was very reminiscent of how people move when they dance.
Then it was the end. As always I felt like it couldn't possibly have been long enough. I marvelled at how my back and shoulders didn't hurt at all after standing so long. We left the venue and walked back up the road, enthusing about the gig. I still felt very high and tried to persuade my Dad to come clubbing with me. He wouldn't, so I made arrangements to meet my friend and her sisters at some random club they were in. We got back to the house and I changed out of my sweaty clothes into something better for clubbing.
My Dad and brother came with me to the bus stop as it was late now. My Dad sneaked me another tablet wrapped in some plastic to keep me going for the rest of the night. No busses were coming anymore so eventually I got into a taxi. The taxi driver wasn't in the mood to chat, which immediately put a downer on my mood. We sat in stoney silence until he dropped me off near the club. I hurriedly swallowed the fourth tablet, without any water or much saliva, some of it seemed to get stuck in mouth. It tasted and felt awful. Then I went into the club. I saw my friend and her sisters dancing, but went to the bar first for some free water to wash away the remnants of the last E.
The music was quite awful. I believe they were playing Queen when I arrived. I don't really mind Queen but it was definitely not what I wanted to hear just then. I went to sit with my friend, but I was feeling quite brought down by the terrible music and wasn't really in the mood to talk inanely any more. Also I could see that my friend and her sisters weren't even drunk - they seemed obnoxiously sober and boring. The other people in the club were even worse, they were ugly and old - celebrating the win at football by extending their beer bellies. I longed for the edgy and exciting atmosphere at the gig or just to be around people who were on drugs too.
More terrible music followed and I tried repeatedly to entice my friend away to a more exciting club, even offering to pay for her entrance. My friend agreed that the music was bad, but said she wasn't planning to stay out late anyway. Relations between her and sister 1 were bad and she was tired. This was quite a blow to my plans of dancing all night in a rave-like fashion. I decided I would just go home when she left. She then told her sisters she wanted to go home, sister 1 also wanted to go home. Sister 2 was very annoyed because she wanted to stay but would not stay on her own. Sister 2 and I never got on and I suspect she blamed me for persuading my friend to go home early - which was not what I had wanted at all!
Eventually we all left and I endured more stoney silence in the taxi with them. I was relieved to get home and find my Dad still up. He'd not only taken another E, he was also drinking beer and smoking cannabis. My brother came down to see me although he should really have been asleep. My mum woke up as well and came to talk to us for a bit. Then they went back upstairs and I sat with my Dad. He seemed quite mellow and I was feeling a bit low after the terrible club experience, so we were content to sit talking, listening to good music and watching random TV on mute. He offered me some beer but I don't like to mix things and opted for some apple juice.
I was still quite high from the final E, but it was very different to earlier. I was a little disappointed about the clubbing but it was nice to sit and be warm, listening to some decent music. A song by Primal Scream with the words, 'Drifting, drifting' repeated many times made me feel very peaceful. I was definitely coming down but I still had this wierd feeling that something great was about to happen. It was annoying that my rational mind kept interfering to tell me nothing much was going to happen except going to bed soon and not getting much sleep.
I tried drinking a cup of tea, but it made my mouth feel very dry and shrivelled. I felt a bit hungry but couldn't actually think of an appetizing food. I remembered a lovely fruit salad I'd had on my previous E experiment - I'd walked around looking at it for ages before remembering it was supposed to be eaten. Eventually my Dad and I had run out of things to say and I decided to go to bed. It was about 3:30am by then and I had to get up at a decent time to get the train home.
It took ages for me to fall asleep, then I woke up every couple of hours to go the toilet.
This experience has told me what should have been obvious, even on ecstasy I need to be surrounded by appealing people and good music to have a good time. Next time I hope my partner will be with me and take some too, it's an experience I'd love to share with him. Also I can trust him to go to a good club with me!
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