Citation: Synthesis. "First I Met God, Then I Was God: An Experience with Amanita muscaria (exp66368)". Erowid.org. Apr 5, 2011. erowid.org/exp/66368
I had taken a philosophy class called “comparative religions,” and I was also currently taking a class called, “philosophy of science.” I regard the latter as a bit of waste of time, as we largely talked about what can be “known,” perception and various other completely subjunctive things. Every week we have to write a single-spaced, once page paper, and in my most recent paper I had brought up the futility of the “free will versus determinism” debate (see: subjectivity). I also had recently done some reading about theories of the origin of the universe.
The comparative religions class was useful in that I learned that I don’t need to be able to find an organized religious body that is in line with what I believe and what I am like personality-wise. I can find my own path. Unfortunately I didn’t have anyone I knew that could fill the role of sitter, so I was alone in my room, where I spent most of my time anyway.
My previous attempts involved roughly 12 g and 16 g of dried, commercially available Amanita muscaria. Nothing happened both times. Of course, all my research suggested that something definitely should have happened, especially at those doses. Some accounts I had read cited 5-15 g as being more than the user had bargained for. In reality, the potency of these mushrooms vary substantially, making them risky for first-timers. Later on, I bought another 28 g, but of a lower grade. I thought about a 20-22 g dose, but I that would have left me with a “useless” 6-8 g leftover dose (based on previous experience). I foolishly ingested the whole 28 g on an empty stomach.
About 30 minutes later I started to feel sick to my stomach. I ate a few tortilla chips since I had eaten the mushrooms on an empty stomach thinking that would help. It didn’t, but keeping still seemed to help. I decided to lie down on my bed. I closed my eyes and began to feel relaxed. I started into a state of daydreaming/hypnagogia. My breathing was slightly depressed, and as I was breathing, I imagined 4 tanks of air as if it were an icon in the lower right corner of a video game, and as I breathed out, I filled the 4 tanks. The next thing I recall was…
I experienced the creation of the universe to its heat death in a single blink of the eye, over, and over, and over again. I pretty much had reached a delirious, poisoned state. The strange thing was that there was this brief pain sensation associated with this process. It was if my fragile, human psyche couldn’t handle the concept of infinity. At first, I thought I was dreaming, but the repetitiveness clued me into the fact that I was tripping. After a while I thought I had died and merged with God. Then, I thought I was God. But it wouldn’t stop. I thought, “Please God, make it stop!” But I was God, and it wouldn’t stop. I thought I had died and gone to Hell. I started freaking out. I couldn’t see and wasn’t aware of having a mouth and a voice. I tried to will myself out of the trip with each successive creation of the universe, but it didn’t work. I could feel the keys and wallet in my pockets, I could feel the carpet on the floor, but all I experienced was the Big Bang, over and over. To this day I couldn’t tell you if my eyes were open or closed.
I believe I eventually got used to the painful sensation I felt before, or it went away by itself. I was experiencing infinity and began to play little games to keep from going crazy. Don’t ask me how I knew this, but what would happen is that I would tell the Jews I was Yahweh, the Christians I was Jesus, the Muslims I was Allah, the Hindus I was Brahman, the Chinese I was the Tao, and so on. I can’t remember what I else I tried, but every time everything would happen just the way it happened before, and I couldn’t change anything. It was like I (as God) was always one step ahead of me. Each time the universe was created, everything happened exactly the same, exactly the way it was supposed to happen.
I did eventually come down about 2 hours after I had lain down. However, this repeating motif continued as I experienced coming down and seeing my TV (which I had left on), and so it seemed like I wasn’t really coming down per se. It was if I was finally coming to, only to have the feeling of coming down repeat over and over again.
It did stop eventually, which involved me sitting up and throwing up in the wastebasket which I had propositioned just for this situation. My heart was pounding like crazy and I gasped for air. It was as if I had died and was reborn. I hadn’t even left my bed during the whole time.
Whenever I decided to move to another room, my recollection would fade out, and then things would fade in and I would find myself in the room I wanted to be in. I got up and went to the bathroom, and also took out my contacts at this time. I wanted to go back to bed and just go to sleep because I felt exhausted. I went back to make sure I had taken out both contacts. My vision was fuzzy, and it looked like I had only taken out one contact. I looked for the other contact on the floor, but couldn’t find it. I repeatedly went back looking for my contact, only to eventually find that I had actually put both of them in the same side of the case. I went to bed then, but before I did, I turned off all the lights around the apartment. This was much more difficult that it sounds, as I would turn off one light and forget to turn off another, but I would realize this when I was already back in my room, as time would jump around on me.
The next day after awakening, I felt a certain calm and connectedness to everything around me. I can still feel it sometimes, if I stop and relax and remember to breath.
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