Citation: Tanya. "A World Just for Me: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp65944)". Erowid.org. Jun 27, 2018. erowid.org/exp/65944
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I am a Freshman in college. I have done ecstasy 4 times before, all in a quiet setting with one other friend. To me, it is not a drug to go to if you just want to have fun. This is the precious drug you should do rarely to keep its magic, keep the experiences their own. I smoke weed pretty regularly so I know how such common experiences over time slowly mesh together, and being high on marijuana feels more and more normal feeling. Maybe a familiar second mind.
I have been wanting to do ecstasy again for awhile. I am losing myself, just for a few hours, I want to feel the power of thinking I know the answers to it all. I want to feel free with my words, since I normally have trouble explaining myself. I want to not be afraid of myself. I have so much stuff to deal with, I don't think it would be worth it to do with another person. I think I would actually scare them or hurt their feelings in some way. Anyone, no matter how close to me, I know if I were to be completely open to them, I would hurt their feelings right away. I just moved to San Francisco with 3 other roommates. I thought this trip home, and a night with my parents gone would be a perfect opportunity. After taking an afternoon nap, I wake up at 7 and decide that I definitely want to do E.
Now when I was doing it, I was trying to do the typical time interval reports that people write all the time. Briefly listing effects at the moment and then going back into it. Actually, it turned out to be quite different. You can see exactly how talkative and fast my mind was going at the time from the pills, and I am hoping by my raw writings, you yourself can actually be in the experience from my shoes. And there are some personal things mentioned in this. I NEED to emphasize that in order to truly understand someone else's experience, you need to know exactly what kind of mindframe they are in. What EXACTLY is going on in their life, what is PUZZLING them at the moment? Ecstasy is more than just saying 'I see pretty colors and feel alive'.
8:50 -- Took 1 red rolex pillÖdisappointed that Iím not feeling much after 55 minutes except for slight daze
9:45 -- Took 1 pillÖwaiting for the one moment of realization that I am coming up fast, but wasnít a second ago
10:10 -- Started effectsÖit was smooth coming up, I assumed this was the peek of my experience and was little disappointed, but feeling good at the same time
Turn off TV, want to stretch, feeling calm, but not much, pet cat, hugging like another person, get something to drink, feeling it more, not thirsty for my half empty opened soda I started to reach for, get water instead, I usually donít like water so much, amazed with rainbow in glass of water, get camera
Feeling it more, put on sweatshirt, want to socialize, text friend, want to be alone, ANXIOUS YET CALM, lay in couch zoning, feeling ďSMOOTHĒ, motivated to do homework instead of watching tv, but distracted by good feelings and wanting to sit and think
Want something really bad, yet satisfied, I can give myself anything I want, I need to think to myself what can make this so much better. It is within myself to make this a really good experience, what do to what to do. I need to write I need to analyze but how but how
Warm head, heart rate calming down
I need to move, I need silence, I need to talk to someone, but I need to spend time by myself
I want to listen to music but it would be overwhelming
Drinking water amazing, taking artistic pictures of glass
Breathing deeply feeling good, big gulps water choking but amazing [I was so excited with how good the water felt, I tried to drink a lot in one fast gulp. Every time I did this, I would have to cough a little bit afterwards, but water made me feel alive and pure]
Need to write
Warm face softness
Fingers feel smooth, feels so good to type, I can type so fast with making few mistakes I just want to type and type and type ahhhhh
I donít know if I want to talk to someone they might make me lose my train of thought but at the same time I want to connect with someone so bad Iím so confused yet I understand everything.
It feels so good to close my eyes and move my teeth. This would be perfect opportunity to do my analysis paper, I really want to do good in school, and I really want to work on my paper, and its about a band I feel passionate about so it should come easily I should do it yes yes yes.
Warm, I want to connect with people. Before taking the pills, I wanted to be by myself and analyze myself, I was afraid of how I would open up with people if I talked to them. But now I really want to talk to someone. I feel I can really make them feel good
Feels so good zoning off into space floating
Look into cat with confused face trying to think of what he is thinking
Holy shit holy shit I donít know
I thought I was at my capacity 20 minutes ago and I was a little disappointed
Eyes just jerked
Feeling so good!
3 word documents going right now
One freewrite, one documenting my experience, one working on my essay. The one to document my experience has turned into my freewrite. But then I really donít want to talk about personal stuff to the world, so I guess I will switch writing documents right now haha
Colors getting brighter before my eyes, I feel so complete
I want to do write 3 things at once, I really want to do good in school, this is the beginning of my life! What am I doing procrastinating!
Ahh neck so warm! So warm! Feels so good. Illusion corner of my eye of glass turning colors and molding.
Feels good to grind my teeth a little. So soft yes.
My house is so nice! It is a castle! So many colors. The ceiling looks yellow. Such bright colors so beautiful! So much depth. I donít know what to think.
Eyes jerking warmth I want to talk to my friend. He gets off at 11 I canít wait. But I need to think by myself.
My brain my head feels like its jerking a little side my side it is so happy this is the best way to spend Saturday by myself. I donít feel bad at all anymore that I didnít see any friends. This is amazing. I shall talk to someone on the phone in a little bit when he gets off work, but they are not over at my house so I donít have to worry about making them comfortable and I can get off the phone any time I want. Being at home I donít have to worry about where I am and how I get home. I can just be happy. Taking break from writing, just staring off into space want to feel instead of think.
Trying to think of what to say about it. Only thing I can think of is ďcompleteď. I donít want to do anything else. I canít think of anything that could make me any happier right now. Being with people, being anywhere, doing anything, just sitting here, I am feeling anything I could feel anywhere else. Words flow so easily. Usually I have to think of how to word myself best, I think so abstractly, but the abstract meets real life right now and I can just flow so fast. I canít believe how fast I am typing. My teeth are grinding, every once in a while my eyes do crazy things and have a mind of their own. I think I am even higher than I was before!
Omg new peak! It is now 10:45 omgomgomgomgomgogmgmgogmgomgomg
I am soooo happy I donít know I donít know
I hate how I am such a valley girl but I donít know how to best explain myself
Why do I have the valley girl style?
Wow I feel like analyzing myself right now
I donít care if this is the same document anymore
I donít care I donít care
I just want to write I want to be free I live so abstractly in my mind I am so introverted why why why vibrations all over my body what the hell I donít know what to think.
Rainbows on lights
My brain feels crazy
This is the most intense trip I have every had I do believe I do I do
It is the best doing it by myself
Before I had to worry about what other people thought of me and worrying about expressing myself without hurting their feelings. Wait I didnít care at the time, but now I really know I donít have to care about the after effects. I am soooo glad I did this . I was afraid of being stupid when I bought the pills but this is the best thing ever. Drugs are good every once in awhile. Why must people look down on them? If you are the right person, you should really do them every once in awhile to connect with yourself. I really changed my life after the first time doing ecstasy
Face feels like water
Oh no Power from laptop when out I lost tack of time
Went to go get the power adapter but wanted to enjoy the experience without writing.
Teeth grinding more, feels so good to move. Lay on the floor, feel body movements, I want to enjoy the moment, not the fact that I want to write more. Eye jerks quite amazing. So much warmth in head. Hair feels so good against my cheek.
Better than sex.
I need to find a way to feel amazing but not need sex so much. Connect with myself and not other people. Concentrate on myself. I know I am self absorbed, I need to please other people, but donít use sex as an instant way to please both. Get better at compliments, care more about other peoples lives. You care so much about your own life experience and what you need. What others think of you. What about other people? Weíre all in this together
Head feels like its pulling itself inward hair follicles feel amazing
Realizing how crazy this must sound
I really really want my friend to call me when he gets off work I really hope I didnít scare him
I could do anything right now. I want to work on my English essay. I really want to do my math homework I need to find a description on the internet to how to do this since I donít have my book with me, I want to analyze this website for my English essay. I can do really good analysis right now. I want to talk to someone. Want to write about what Iím feeling. I want to do 10 things at once.
I want to talk to someone. Want to write about what Iím feeling. I want to do 10 things at once.
It surprises me how people go to raves and dance. I guess thatís what extroverts are into doing, but I guess this confirms the mystery of if Iím an introvert or an extrovert. I am an introvert who likes to please other people, but feels awkward doing so because I am so introverted. Because I am introverted, I care what people think of me. I get lonely so thatís when I want to see other people. I donít like having millions of friends because thatís just too much work! I want to have time to myself! You canĎt get deep with so many people at once!! I like having few friends. Then again, I worry about calling them so much. I worry what they think of me. They are introverts who are subtle and just like to have normal lives. I want to enjoy the extremes of life. I think I scare them. I attach to them because I want to be close to people. I really hope that I donít suffocate them. I moved away from home, yet I have to talk to them so much.
Friend just called me. Breathy tone to voice I guess I thought I could sound somewhat normal but I guess not. But I donít care. Oh god I hate high/drunk calling so much. But this is different. It is not ďomg I am bragging that I am drunk and I want you to hear how stupid I sound so you can see how drunk I am.Ē This is ďI really want to connect with you but I donít think I can handle you being right here with me because I need to handle what is going on with myself right now. ď
My friend just called me, he was checking in on how I am doing. He told me to call him in 10 minutes. He really cares about me and its so sad how I canít give the same thing back to him. Why why why. He is a beautiful person. Donít care what other people would think of me if I went out with him. That is what I am worried about. Also living long distance. Those are the pathetic relationships. I need someone right there with me. Not on the phone. Not thinking of when we can travel to see each other, not phone sex. But I donít think I could fully give myself to one person. I canít connect with just person. I canít find someone perfect enough to fit myself into. I guess I could, but I find myself so multifaceted, that there is always something about that person that bothers me.
This person who I am about to talk to I really do feel comfortable with. I am just afraid of being with one person because I love the joy of being with lots of people and not having to give an emotional part of myself up. The emotion all for myself. I want to make them happy too, yes, but it is different to have two people happy together as one, and two people simply being happy at the same time. I just cannot do that give any of my own love to someone else. I feel lost.
I love the feel of my hands typing. I love the feels of my legs slowly moving . Typing is so complex yet I can do it so well. It is stupid, but I am secretly proud of being a super fast typer. Being self absorbed, I have to find something that makes me feel super good about myself. Typing is that. Although its not necessary for life, it is something all my own .I am the one recognized in computer classes for how fast I type. Even writers marvel my technique.
I love the feel of my teeth grinding. I just slid off the couch onto the floor to feel more comfortable. I am so so glad I have the house to myself to completely fill the house with my energy and move around it freely without worrying about outsiders thinking I am doing something so wrong.
Its ironic, this feels so right, at my age more people should do this. But so many people abuse it so it gives it a bad name. The media just wants people to be the same and to support them. Old ideas just stay. Its so sad. In the future, when people get older and our generation are the people controlling the media, I wonder what it will be like. Oh wow I just realized on on the third page how the hell did that happen is this all my typing? Holy shit. I think it has been ten minutes to call my friend. I have no idea about time. I have completely lost track of time. Okay, looking at the clock, has it been either over an hour or just 20 minutes canĎt decideÖ.looks up that writing. Oh my god. It has been an hour AND twenty minutes. So does not feel like it.
I donít want the effects to go away. I really hope they stay. Time to call my friend yet? No idea, checks phone of when he called me. I donít know if I want to call him or keep typing. I really want to work on school too. I want to do 3 things at once, and yes I feel like I can. Thinking of putting this on erowid. I hope it can stay on there. Most people just have the clean dry effects and what they feel. But I think if I put this up, I could really put someone in my shoes. Isnít that what browzing drugs on erowid is about? Why havenít more people done this? Do they get deleted off? Do people just not care about hearing peopleís personal lives? I think in order to truly understand a persons experience is to understand the life that it is linked to, because other wise?
ďOooh teeth grinding, feeling alive talking with lots of people, time goes by fastĒ What does that mean to an outsider? It means nothing. If you really wanted to learn the effects of a drug, you could do that on any website that simply lists drug effects. But if you really want to know how it feels and what goes on, you NEED to know WHAT exactly is going on with the person at the time and the SPECIFIC realizations that they are finding about their lives. Otherwise, it is just covering the surface. Yes I do realize, people look back on experiences two years in the past and canít really do that, but I am going to change it. I really really hope this makes it, I want to spread this to the world! I want to encourage people to do the same thing I am. I want them to analyze myself. Not with logic, but with the whole feeling too. I think you need a drug to bring the feeling to an understandable level in order to analyze it.
If you analyze off of a drug, then you can go in circles and drive yourself crazy. I try to google psychology stuff on the internet to analyze myself, but thatís so dry from a book, and from studies. We are such individual people, that we need to not worry about the averages and percentages of the normal person, and be confident with our own analysis. Everything makes sense right now. I want to call my friend now. Give him insight. Probably wondering what took me so long to call him back. I really donít want to get away from writing, but here I go again being introverted and self absorbed that I want to analyze myself. I need to connect with another person. Live.
I hope I donít say anything too wrong. But just letting flow. I should trust myself. And that shall happen.
Grinding teeth, jittery eyes every once in awhile, want to move body in slow motions, I CANNOT picture anyone going to raves and dancing on this thing. I would really want to be able to have a laptop and write. What people should do is get a big group of people together, and not worry about dancing or anything. Have a room for people to type on their laptops, a room for people to talk, a room of music and dancing, but not something where you feel forced to do one event. You can talk to strangers. I think those can be the best people to talk to because you havenít picked them out to make them your friend, that can lead to quite ďcookie cutterĒ, or expected results, at the same time, they donít know background information about you, you donít have to worry about what you say to them, how they think of you.
Sometimes conversations [on ecstasy] can get so deep with friends that you donít feel bad about what you were talking about at the time, but you feel so bad later. They opened up what they think of you and what drives them crazy and that just leads to hurt feelings. Talking with people you donít know can get rid of that fear and do what we need to do everydayÖ.feel connected with people we donít even know. Just walking down the street, weíre all in this together. Everyone has their own life story, yet we only think of them as the person who delivers our pizza, the person who does nothing but deliver mail, the person who is a genius at math and has this godly ability to solve any problem in the universe in front of the classroom. But you never think of their personal lives. Imagine, if you could put a number to events, an have every person in the world and anyone that ever existed, into one comprehendable thing, and could count HOW many experiences there are. Okay, you canít count experiences, but if there was some way to measure it, imagine just HOW intense that would be!!
Why do we forget things? Humans are so complex, and we only use a small part of our brain, why canít be REMEMBER everything perfectly? Why whyy why? Is it apart of needing learned ideas [subconsciously remembering experiences that effect you, but you donĎt know where these feelings or ideas come from]? Is the reasoning apart of keeping the answers to life a mystery? I want to be able to experience things over again. I want to go to my normal life on Monday and be able to feel this all over again, but it will only be a memory and a bunch of written jargon and the wish to take this drug again.
But instead of doing the drug again, I need to find a way to reach this point within myself. That is true happiness. Feel free and open. Crazy people are probably the happiest people alive. Especially if they donít care what other people think of them. If you are insane, in you are narcissistic, in your mind, you have it all and that is plain beautiful. Then again, worrying about other people, it makes other people comfortable. Its so complex to help other people and yourself and the same time. I have trouble finding a balance. I feel bad that I donít open the door between me and my roommate. I donít want her to feel bad or like I am shutting her out. I am not used to being so close to a person, I donít like having to think of things to say to people all the time. I like to think with feelings and abstract ideas. I like to analyze, I like to enjoy my own being without conforming to what is socially acceptable.
This is so amazing I have the whole house to myself without worrying about other people finding me like all the other times in the past. This is the highest I have ever been. I think I shall call my friend now. He said 10 minutes it is nowÖ.HA 50 minutes what the hell?
So after that, I called my friend, and we talked on the phone. I eventually had him come over because it seemed so hard to communicate simply through voice. I wanted to be in his presence and have him fully understand me, and I wanted to spread my love and not be selfish. He stayed on his cell phone as he drove to my house. He seemed to make it very quickly. We talked in my backyard. I took my pants off and danced and rolled in the wet grass in my thong. It felt wonderful to be so open with a person. When he stood up and I was on the grass, I felt uncomfortable, like we weren't connecting anymore, so I would keep telling him to sit back down and look at me. I was still in my crazy phase of the drug.
Coming down, we went in the house and had a deep conversation. I saw a part of him I have never seen before. He started to cry. I felt bad I was triggering this in him, and for once I really felt like I was connected with him. I tried to open myself to him, but right around this time, I felt myself coming down more and more and afraid of hurting his feelings in saying 'I don't think I can handle a relationship with you, and I don't think I could even try. But you are still the greatest friend I have'. Little depressed. He fell asleep on my couch, and I just watched for an hour and a half, thinking. I could not sleep. I did not want to share such an intimate thing with him--even though we already have sex. I eventually tell him it would be a good idea if he left. We kiss, he leaves. I feel relieved yet empty. I fall asleep at 6:30 in the morning, and feel well rested by 10.
As I write this at 12:30pm the day of the experience, my teeth are still grinding slightly, and very mild hallucinations, especially from looking at a light or a screen, and looking away.
To sum it up, I hate to see such a beautiful thing go. I think I can be more open to my emotions with other people. I have identified my own problems without being afraid to hear the bad side of myself. Now that I can see how objective I can think and how open I can be, this should give me hope that I have potential to do this in everyday life. I just need to find a way to get there without drugs.
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