Citation: Skyla. "Mentally Raped: An Experience with LSD & MDMA (exp6375)". Erowid.org. Apr 21, 2001. erowid.org/exp/6375
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After exploring your site, I concluded this is the perfect place for me to vent out some emotions that have been consuming me for quite some time now. I have never shared what I felt that night, and don't ever plan to, for fear of unwanted judgement from friends and possible rejection.
I have tripped and rolled numerous times before, resting on the assumption that a 'bad trip' could NEVER happen to me. Little did I know, it was exactly the opposite - it COULD happen to ANYONE. I was having such a kick-ass time with psychadellic drugs that I figured that if it was going to happen, it would have already. This thought almost made me feel invincible..
My friend and I prepared for what we normally do on Saturday nights - club-hop on South Beach. (For those not aware of the Miami atmosphere, it's basically a strip with clubs literally door to door extending about 10 streets down; the main streets jam-packed with people ranging from each end of the social status bar, creating a perfect opportunity for unpredictable nightlife behavior.) This time, however, we each dropped a geltab.
We were both hesitant at first, but were forced to accept it once the gelly dissolved in our mouths. Regret began to sink in as we walked along unfamiliar territory. I felt bad vibes from every person we walked passed - possibly because trails extending outward from their heads caused them to look like the devil. It seemed real at the time. The sound of chanting monks faded in and out of my ear creating this idea that we have now entered a forbidden town and someone would make sure we knew we were unwelcome - or at least, that I was.
I experienced extreme paranoia and feared for my life, but had no logical explanation. If a guy seemed interested in me and approached me, I truly believed he wanted to kidnap me, beat me or take advantage of me. A thought, under normal sober circumstances, would sneak in and out of your mind as you pleased, was now trapped and enhanced by the LSD, making you undoubtingly believe it was true.
Our night consisted of dramatic twists and turns. We almost got into a fight with two other girls, not entirely sure if they said what they said in a fight-provoking manner. Who knows, but we managed to ignore them and walk on. Then, we met up with some male friends of ours and got into their car. I was peaking by now, and so was my paranoia, so I thought they were kidnapping us. 'We gotta hotel for ya'll, don't worry,' he says, as I hear the doors lock and windows shoot up. I demanded we be dropped off at the main street and we would go from there.
I guess you could say the trip started off on the wrong foot, but it's only just begun. We ran into our server and his friend C. A sigh of relief. C and I really don't get along, but who cared, he was a familiar face.
We wound up leaving the Beach with them and chilling at C's apartment. (Last weekend, my friend and I tripped with C and another dude. C annoyed the shit out of me, and completely blew my trip. He insisted on 'getting to know eachother', I don't know.) I was hoping we wouldn't have a repeat of that ugly episode. Before the night even began, I told my friend whatever ends up happening tonight, I do NOT want to chill with C. He wasn't someone I would particularly want to hang out with, let alone trip with.
My friend and the server had to go take care of some business in Downtown Miami. C and I were left alone. He offered me what looked like a pretty big blue pill. 'Take it, it's a roll.' I don't remember what I was thinking at this point, but I snatched it and swallowed it. Within a matter of minutes, I felt the effects.
I was reminded of the feeling of euphoria and sensations like no other emerged from all over my body. Visuals were enhanced with a shift of an eyeball. Trails of defined colors danced in front of me as if a painter were swirling her brush. It was nice.
Moments later, the mood changed. I began to feel scared. I wanted out of the trip and out of the house. C was sitting next to me on the couch with his eyes closed. HE was causing to me feel this way. (It's difficult to put in words, but) The feeling was as if he were penetrating through my mind and invading my personal thoughts. As his eyes kept shut, I could mentally feel our minds becoming one and my privacy no longer existed. I was frantic and nervous, at the same time trying to maintain my composure and trying to reassure myself that it wasn't real. But I was totally convinced this was reality and there was no escaping it. Fear was the center of this world and I was its prisoner. I never knew a personal hell existed - mine was forming before me.
They took over me. There was an overwhelming sense of negativity in my head and I couldn't stop it. I tried to think of a happy place many times, but they wouldn't allow it as I would be punished for attempting.
I looked over at C, eyes still shut. I persistently begged him to open his eyes, as the mental torture would stop when he did so. Eyes remained shut. 'Please, please open your eyes C. Just stop it. Why-' He finally opened them. It took me by surprise, and was grateful that he did. Just when I thought he had understood and would comfort me in this time of need.. 'I'm sorry,' he mumbled and closed them once again. My mental hell resumed its normal course.
He wasn't touching me, barely even talking to me. What the fuck are you going through, I would ask myself. Hopelessness, fear, lonliness and anger all came crashing down at me. And not knowing what the fuck was happening to me just added to my frustration. All I knew was that I never felt like such a piece of shit in my entire life. I had no control over my thoughts whatsoever and I was beginning to accept that. I soon let him in, and allowed him to do what he wished.
As I sat in moral anguish, I noticed the glare from my cell phone stuffed between the cushions. I saw a chance. As I dialed the number to my friend's phone, I began to feel this magnetic energy pulling me toward C. It seemed as if I've just angered someone or something and it was telling me to put the 'fucking phone down.' Somehow, I managed to connect. 'Hello.' Her voice was like the dim light at the end of my dark tunnel. I was extremely relieved to hear someone from another world who knew who I was and could possibly understand my situation. While I was on the phone with her, I couldn't bring myself to explain what was happening. What if she thought I was crazy? What if she took his side, instead of mine? 'Nevermind. Just..hurry up.'
Tears slowly ran down my cheeks. (I don't care what anybody says, but it seemed real as hell at this point, because I for one, am not a crier.) 'C, please, open your eyes,' as my voice cracked. I was mentally exhausted and my heart was rapidly beating. Every negative and evil thought, idea and belief known to humanity rested in my conscience. I could slowly feel my values, morals, and faith relinquish in a matter of seconds. I wanted to ball up and crawl into my mother's arms.
Finally, I heard footsteps scurrying up the stairs. I jolted up and ran to the door. C quickly followed and beat me to my spot. 'Did I do something wrong?' I shoved him out of the way and flung the door wide open. My friend insisted I tell her what happened, and not quite sure how to answer, the first thing that came to mind was, 'I trolled balls.' I hauled ass down the steps and into the car.
The ride home was even more weird. The server sat in the back seat, me in the front and my friend drove. I noticed he was on the phone and suddenly I assumed it was C - trying to take over my mind again. I literally freaked out and tried to wrestle the phone out of his hand. He resisted and stared at me as if I were crazy. Now, I thought he was in on it too; my friend then implied I shouldn't touch him (At that time, my friend and the server were seeing eachother.) So I sat there, all fucked in the head, feeling insane and alone. I was later told I attempted to jump out of the car while in motion.
We pull up in front of my house. I start to panic. My friend suggests I take a xanax bar to calm myself down and fall deep into sleep. I hear an echoing voice in my head, C, agreeing I should, so he could fuck with my head while asleep. After what seemed like hours of convincing, she turned the car around. We then dropped the server off.
We sat in front of her house. She assured me that everything would be fine. She wouldn't go anywhere until I was ready to go inside. I was finally feeling a level of comfort. It was about 8 or 9 in the morning, not too sure. She fell asleep as I sat there wondering why me? I glanced over to the side view mirror. She looked like me, but it wasn't. Her pupils were dialated and her eyebrows wrinkled displaying a worried look. I was still catching mad visuals, but the mental ride was coming to an end. Nature reminded me of my true reality - my loving family, school, work. The sun pressed tightly against my face. Leaves rattled in the wind and birds were singing more magically than usual. The grass was tainted a rich green and the sky a perfect shade of blue. I felt as if I were just stripped of my pride and dignity and suffered the humiliations of a rape victim.
I awoke my friend and told her I was ready to go and rest. Tired, she went to her room and slept. I laid in the couch with my eyes still wide open. I'll try to explain as best as I can in words what I was about to embark upon..
Suddenly, this surge of mental energy overcame me. Physically, it felt as if my brain were being cleansed and massaged. Every doubt I've ever had about anything and everything soon came clear to me. A higher existence guided me along this path to Seventh Heaven. I was revealed a place where my prejudices and judgements of people no longer existed, a place where love conquered all; a place where words couldn't apply meaning, but instead your soul justified your innocence; a place of truth - no questions, faith - no doubts. HE then spoke to me. Love and appreciate your mom; look after your brother and sister; spend time with your grandma (one after the other) Do what you love in life and go into the entertainment business; don't mess with drugs you can't handle..
Just like that.. for the first time, not that day, but in my entire life, I felt at peace. It sounds so unbelieveable, but everything was so crystal clear to me. The revelation changed my perspective on everything, maturing my mind and bringing me closer to God - putting my utmost faith in something I once doubted it existed.
In the end, I found myself again - happily reunited with my soul. They say everything happens for a reason. Mine may have been to receive 'the message-', so I guess I'm hanging up the phone.
(To L, my friend, THANK YOU.)
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