Citation: Onglamesh. "The Cycle of Life Learned and Forgotten: An Experience with Morning Glory (Heavenly Blue & Flying Saucer) (exp63709)". Erowid.org. Jul 25, 2007. erowid.org/exp/63709
The following is an E-mail sent to my mother, in response to one she sent to me. Though some of it is personal and makes sense only to her (such as references to names and places), most is simply an experience report and I decided to post it here as well. I feel blessed to have a mom who would read such a report from me with an open mind, and I encourage others to do the same. Much of what I learned from my experience has been forgotten, but here are the things which I remember:
There is a lot of stuff on my mind right now, and I find it unnecessary to go into detail with a response to your message. I can simply leave it at the fact that I understand what you've said here is true. My understanding of life and all the things going on in and around it is on a different-than-usual level at this moment, let me try to explain what I mean. A LOT more stuff happened to me yesterday than meets the eye. Try to remember that so much is going through my head right now that it's difficult to explain yesterday's happenings in good sequence, but I'll try my best.
I ate morning glory seeds yesterday. I know, quite a cliche, take a psychedelic drug and suddenly be convinced that you can effectively analyze everything. But try to hear me out, I think there could be meaning behind it all if one interprets a meaning. I finally satisfied my curiosity about the seeds, and possibly in excess.
In the beginning, I only intended to have 200, a typical amount, but like most others who try a slow-acting drug, I was getting impatient and taking more and more. If I ever do it again (probably will, but not anytime soon because of the physical consequences), I will limit my available amount to less than half of what I had available this time. I don't think I was ready for that strong of an experience.
I have read in most reports that the plain seeds make people vomit, as the hallucinigen is inside the seed and the nauseating chemicals are in the shell. I figured, 'If I vomit, I vomit, not a big deal. I know I'm not going to die from this, so I'll just deal with that consequence, as I want to trip now and don't want to wait for the extraction process.' I started eating them at 1:00, and by the time I called you at 2:00, I had eaten the initial 200 and I felt a very mild discomfort in my stomach, not pleasant, but certainly tolerable. I had gauged from your (seemingly) neutral reaction to my last mention of the seeds via E-mail that you would probably be okay with it, or at least I knew you wouldn't freak out about it. So I figured the conditions were set and I was now able to do it, so I did it. I was confident that it would be okay to be around you under these conditions, but it would be more pleasant to spend the trip with someone else who might trip with me, so I went to Joel's house.
For a few hours at Joel's house, I felt very speedy and restless. I couldn't decide if I liked the feeling, and I don't know if that feeling resulted from the seeds or from the fact that I smoked hookah tobacco with Joel's sister and two of her friends (hookah tobacco does that to me, I decided yesterday that I'll lay off of that stuff). During these few hours of speedy restlessness, I had pleasant and flowing conversations with the people present. The conversations weren't of significant meaning or importance, but it was great to me that I could so easily participate in them.
I could feel music in a more deep way than usual, and Joel and I played together on his piano for what seemed like eternity. The music was, by normal standards, just noise, but in our condition we could feel the true beauty of it and we really let it flow from our hands. I don't think I've ever felt so passionate about an imrpovisation in my life as I did about the 'song' we played, I can't explain how amazing it was. We played continuously for at least a half hour, possibly an hour, with our different musical personalities finally melding as one, whereas we normally can't cooperate musically because of artistic differences. The mood and volume of the music swelled and shrunk several times, in a blend of extremes that can be hard to mix together effectively. Simplicity and difficulty, chaos and order, ugliness and beauty all at once, and it was perfect to us.
I had expected I would have thrown up by then, but the stomach discomfort was still minimal. I experienced nausea in waves once in a while throughout the day, logically telling myself that I would only throw up if I panicked, and I kept my cool and never vomited. I was (and still am) very proud of myself for overcoming that mental challenge, as I came to find out that's all it really was for me. I could have thrown up if I had lost control of myself, but I didn't lose control, even with such a high dose, and for that I was proud.
Just as I was beginning to think that the speedy feeling was all the seeds had to offer, I noticed it was 6:45, and I had to be home by 7:00. I said my good-byes to everyone and started for home. It felt good to ride my bike and use the pent-up energy, and by the time I got home, I had lost most of that speedy feeling and was left with the feeling of mental clarity. I didn't fear making the journey home because I knew I could control myself when I needed to, and rightly so, as I got home unscathed and without any possible threat (cars, cops, paranoia, etc.) having come even close to harming me. I was almost surprised at how well I could move about on the bike without fear or mistake, even though I was rather clumsy in walking. I think it's because I knew of the potential danger in operating a vehicle while under the influence, and I wouldn't allow myself to mess up. Once again, the exercise of self-control was fully realized. I couldn't think soberly, but I could perform sober duties upon choosing to do so. It was pretty awesome at the time to discover that fact.
Having figured all that out by the time I got home, I was now euphoric. I began to 'trip', and by that I mean, actually feel the effects I was expecting and hoping for all along. I listened to what you were saying to me, and whereas I normally dislike a one-sided conversation (in which I am not the one talking, lol), I enjoyed hearing your voice and listening to what you had to say, however short my attention span was.
I was close to giving up on the concept of time altogether and just letting life flow, but I guess I was still partially 'logical,' or rather subdued, as I came to believe we all subconsiously are, about the fact that time, though not truly important, is just the scale by which humans measure life span and I can't help but wonder what time it is, no matter how much I realize it is pointless. I guess the lesson learned there is that it doesn't really matter what time it is in the natural world, it is always right now. But in this society, things must be scheduled and done according to the clock. For this reason, I want to spend at least a few years alone in the natural world, away from society and rules, where I am the rulemaker and the sole provider, where my own experience is all that matters, until I have long forgotten about time and have learned to simply live. I suppose that is what some people refer to as the need to 'get to know themselves.' One day I will try this, but for now I am stuck in this world.
So after a quick eternity of exploring my own home and realizing that nothing here truly belongs to me, or you, or to anyone for that matter, we went to GFE for coffee. I thought I might throw up if I put anything else in my stomach, but kept up the self-control and didn't let that happen. I had that chocolate chip mocha-ice blend thing, and it was really delicious. I put aside thought of vomitting and drank it, and chewing the chocolate chips reminded me of chewing the seeds, though the chocolate chips were much more pleasant.
I took full pleasure in everything that was there in the coffee shop: the coffee, the art, your friends, you and Tom, the employees, the tiles on the bathroom floor, a truly fantastic spectacle from my point of view, though I don't think anyone else in that building realized just how beautiful it all was. Normally I would have been bored by just sitting there and drinking coffee while you and Tom conversed with Walt and Helen, but I was so immersed in my thoughts that I could have happily spent my entire life there in that state of mind.
I was still logical enough to ask for a job application at the other coffee house to which Tom took me. The girl behind the counter was very pretty and I really wanted to get to know her, maybe I will some day. They had no job applications, so we left. Tom drove around, I think both lost and attempting a scenic route. He drove all the way up Church Street. I was vaguely aware that we were travelling, but mostly I was happy to take in the sights in my present state of mind, and also relieved that Tom was controlling the transportation rather than me having to do so. When we reached the top of Church Street, we looked down at the city and it was a great view. I couldn't believe how beautiful an ugly city like San Bernardino could be from a different perspective.
We then went back down and returned to GFE. As I sat with you and Helen outside, I observed the surroundings with unusual interest. I noticed sights which I wouldn't normally 'see', not hallucinations, merely things to which I wouldn't normally pay any attention. I realized my hands were dirty from riding my bike earlier, and I wanted them to be clean, so I went into the bathroom. Some time around then I began to see the visual distortions I so loved about the mushroom intoxication. Everything moved, morphed, breathed and existed freely and I was able to perceive the beauty in all things, namely the tiles on the floor. I got lost in the world that the tile patterns became when I focused on them, though I'm not sure for how long. It was probably less than a minute, but it seemed like hours. Who needs time anyway?
There was a knock at the door, Walt needed to use the bathroom. I then returned to my mission: to wash my hands of that nasty dirt. I wanted them to be clean and pure with no dirt at all, but I couldn't reach that point and just gave up when I realized they were more than acceptably clean. The dirt was still present and I could still see dirt, but under normal cirumstances they would have seemed clean enough. I finished up and then we soon left.
Though I liked being around people more than usual, I must admit I felt relief when you and Tom left to go have a drink with Walt and Helen at the bar. I was beginning to feel the same wonderful feelings of enlightenment that I felt when I ate magic mushrooms--for quite some time, it was EXACTLY the same! I couldn't believe that I had achieved this state of mind in a legal manner.
The fact that I felt just like I had with the mushrooms made me think about the fact that some things are allowed in society and some things aren't. There is black and white, and there are grey areas. I see morning glory seeds as a grey area, because it is not illegal to eat them, but the result is the same as the result of eating an illegal substance and most people therefore think of it as a bad thing. But how the hell can the self-righteous bastards in control of the law tell ME that it's wrong to eat a mushroom, or seeds, or to smoke some weed or even do LSD or peyote or whatever the hell I want with MY body, when it all yields similar, potentially beneficial results?! They're wrong and they don't even know it, but in a sense I'm wrong as well, because they're also right and so am I! What they believe is valid to them, and what I believe is valid to me, but no two people can truly relate because they have had different experiences and resulting thoughts/lessons.
Amid all of this, I finally experienced the payment for the blissful realization of truth: I never vomited the whole day, but the seeds still tore up my insides. When the time came to make a bowel movement, quite suddenly, I had very little time to reach the toilet. I made it though, and continued my deep thought while I crapped my guts out, not fully bothered by the diarrhea like I would normally be. I just sat on the toilet and waited for it to finish, I accepted the fact that I willingly brought this physical punishment onto myself, and it wasn't such a heavy price to pay for the magical day I had experienced. I must have pooped out twenty pounds of liquid and seed waste throughout the night, for I didn't just crap once. It happened several times, and in my state of mind I couldn't count, but I think it was around 5 times.
At some point in the trip, I truly grasped the idea that reality is only a concept of each individual. We (humans) all merely exist and communicate the findings of our existence, but in the end we will always be separate from every other living thing, even each other. No action or experience can truly connect two consious minds, though I think that's what we all really strive for. It is why we have developed language, so we can communicate and be together as one, as was the safest means of living in our primal origins.
I think every living being just wants to expand and connect with other living beings, but our senses are limited and therefore we cannot truly connect. I think people who kill themselves do so because they have realized the impossiblility of true connection with other life forms and simply give up on the natural desire to try, and are left with nothing but emptiness. I came to the realization that there is no reason for this need to connect, therefore no reason to live except that we simply do it. We just do! Why? Does it matter why? It probably doesn't, but to most people it is such an important question.
I felt empty and depressed when I realized this, and turned off all the lights and electrical appliances that I could. I wanted to experience nothing, to know what silence is like. I wanted to be completely natural, or at least to be as natural as possible. Now walking about the darkened house, I stripped off my clothes and was just me, though I still felt empty. I had no outside distractions: nothing to look at, nothing to listen to, no food or water to consume, but that wasn't enough. I lay in my bed completely alone and continued to think on the existential stuff until I drifted to near-sleep.
When you and Tom came home, I was only vaguely aware of your presence but unexplainably comforted. I decided that the day was over, though I could feel that the bowel movements weren't, and I soon fell into complete sleep. I don't remember if I dreamed or not, but by then I knew that it doesn't matter either way, because a dream is just my mind trying to entertain itself while it rests and my body prepares for another day. And if that's true, then all consious thought is the same: just an attempt to make sense of what is going on, though it really doesn't matter whether we know or not, just as long as we can continue to live. One could live on instinct alone (as far as the mind goes), as I believe most animals do.
I think when I slept, my mind stopped racing and I finally experienced that sense of nothing. When I woke up a few hours later, I was disappointed to find that I had shat in my sleep. So much for self-control. I went into the bathroom and defecated some more, cleaned myself, and all the while knew that there was nothing unnatural or wrong about it. Cleaning my bed was rather disgusting, but luckily I was distracted by my rapid thoughts and had long ago accepted that all things are natural, including the seeds I ate and the unpleasant biproduct they produced. I somehow managed to fully clean the bed, even in my distracted state. I then took the most meaningful and purifying shower of my life, in which I felt as if all negativity was washed away from me. But with that thought, I realized that I am a person who wants everything in extremes, and I can't have everything in a totally positive or negative way.
For the remainder of the trip, I took things in stride and didn't need to identify them as good or bad: they simply were what they were. I put on fresh clothes and walked outside barefoot. I walked to the end of the driveway and just looked at the cars passing by in the wee hours (by now it was about 5:00am) and realized that my revelations, though seemingly powerful, had no meaning because the other people passed by me without any idea that I had learned the secrets of the universe, and I knew I could not convey the messages completely because our senses are flawed and always will be.
I truly felt empty, but somehow this was comforting. I was convinced that there is no God, God is just the embodiment of our need to believe in our own signifigance. We must be pretty damn important if there is a great cosmic being, far beyond our comprehension, who watches and guides our lives. But I felt that life is useless and just continues for the hell of it, so there couldn't possibly be a God. It's all a cycle and we're all just going through the motions: working, getting paid, spending the payment on nutrience and unnecessary material possessions, and then repeating the cycle.
I now understand fully the lyrics of that mystical album, Dark Side of the Moon. It's comforting to know that Pink Floyd came to the same conclusions that I did. Perhaps it's not meaningless after all. I looked at a tree in my yard and longed to be like the tree, simply living without a mind that allows me to want more. I fully appreciated that tree at that time, though now it is once again just a tree, and I am just me. Why do I need drugs to comprehend truth? Perhaps one day I will surpass that need.
But on a lighter note, as Eric Idle of Monty Python once said, 'You came from nothing, you go back to nothing, so what have you lost? Nothing!' I can now relate to that. It's all a game of extremities, positive and negative, and life can be worthless or absolutely wonderful, it all depends on how you perceive it, like the beautiful view of an ugly city, like the wonderful sounds of two crazies pounding on a piano, all things are both good and bad. But I'm sad to say that even as I write this, the return to reality is causing me to instinctively view life as I normally do. I don't see it all as clearly now as I did under the influence of those magical seeds, but I think the lesson is still learned and realized. By now I am back to normal and the world is too, so I am left to wonder whether my thoughts were truth or hallucination. Perhaps I need to experience more of it to understand it better. That is my final thought on the matter for now.
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