Citation: N. "A World Within: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) & Alcohol (exp63685)". Erowid.org. Jun 13, 2010. erowid.org/exp/63685
It provides me with great joy to recollect this memory - I use it as a way of transcending the states, a device to reconnect with the way that I felt on that evening. On that occasion, I had departed from the narrow channels of thought to which an everyday existence is suited and had begun to think in enormous terms, about the world and the universe and the meaning of existence. I'm the closest I've ever been to figuring it all out.
A friend of mine held a party in the winter months, some time earlier this year. It was to be a celebratory event filled with my closest friends and acquaintances. I had hoped that I might bring two friendship groups together. In particular, I wanted my best friend, S to integrate with others that I was close with. It is important for me to note that this experience was unplanned but developed in to an event of heightened spiritual discovery in the sense that it allowed me to learn a great deal about the way that the world functions and the way that human beings interact with one another.
When S and I arrived at the party, he quickly became involved in conversation and I was relieved that the others had accepted him so readily. I drank three bottles of beer in the first hour and a half of the evening, which may of aided my relaxation but to my memory, it was not significant to the overall experience. My friend S later proposed that we do some MDMA - others were acquainted with the drug and had used it a number of times in the past. This would be my first experience of the drug.
At around 2230, five of us gathered in the bathroom. The individuals present were myself, my best friend S, and three other boys, L, A and E. I consumed my dose (Approx 100mg) orally, wrapped in a thin piece of tissue and then taken with water.
I recount that this was a very pleasant way to take the drug.
Ten minutes later I went downstairs to get some fresh air and to talk to some people outside. When I entered the house again, the music greeted me with its pleasant changes in melody and rhythm. I became excited at the change in state - which wasn't immediately distinguishable, but I began to examine the smaller changes in my behavior, a fondness for everything - and at this point I realised that I needed to find the others, to reconnect with them and to share the rise together.
Somehow, the events of an evening took place in one room - the bathroom. The five of us sat in there, talking about our experiences and how happy we were to be together. Inhibitions faded, anxieties disappeared all together. I sat in between S and A, with my hands on the back of their necks, uninhibited or burdened by physical boundaries. In this sense, personal space was not so important - I wanted to share mine with everyone else. I wanted to touch openly and to use this as a tool to express my love for others. It is impossible to describe fully how I felt in these moments, but it was as though a deep social boundary had been lifted. I openly told my friends how handsome they were. They were happy to be complimented in such an open way.
Later, at about 3 am, we all went downstairs to talk to other people from the party who had not been using the drug. This was quite an unsettling experience because I noticed how numb and unreceptive they were to me and the four others who had used the drug. When using MDMA, I found that I wanted everyone to be as happy as I was, and to be as open and honest as I felt, but sadly, this is not always possible. For me, the most pleasant experience came later on in the evening when the five of us decided to take a walk. We walked to the top of a large ridge in front of a lake and by this point, it was beginning to get light again. I must have peaked around this time because I remember feeling immensely happy and connected with those around me. When I returned home, I wrote a short passage detailing the moments on top of the hill. This was what I wrote:
As I gazed in to the vastness of the world before me, I began to feel overwhelmed by the beauty of the land. I felt humbled by the presence of the people in my company, grateful that they were beside me and were experiencing this journey with me. I was distinctly aware of the magnificence of this place, there was a great sense of privilege in being allowed to appreciate the splendour that belonged to the lake. I recounted those feelings that I had felt in the hours before. I felt a deep connection to those who stood on that ridge.
There was a heightened sense of things in this place. A clarity unknown to me before. I felt a bond resonate among us. I remember thinking that the greatest thing a man has to fear is loneliness. Humans are made for each other. My experience was my own but it was shaped by a feeling of divine unity. In these moments, I seemed to have a greater capacity to appreciate and to love. I noticed the reflection of cotton like clouds in the body of water before me. A rising mist in the trees ahead gave the impression of distance and enormity. I allowed myself time to consider each feature carefully, studying the subtle qualities and finding pleasure in this discovery.
Later, I would descend down the ridge with great speed. A child running down a hill slows to avoid injury. Here, I was not governed by fear. I would place massive strides, noticing each time that my steps were a greater distance apart and that I was indeed travelling with enormous speed. I felt the feathery wind brush my cheeks as I ran. I felt great ecstasy in being freed of my immediate fears. I was no longer inhibited by the anxiety of tripping or falling.
Sharing this experience and knowing that others had felt the same way in those moments meant that my happiness was multiplied. I knew that I had a responsibility to remember this for all of us. A feeling of bravery and excitement soon arose and I began to think about the passing of time and the future. Thoughts of others were prominent in a time of self-reflection and contemplation. I began also to think of the trivial nature of substance and property – I could discern that the company of others leads to a higher joy than these things can provide.
In these moments, I was able to look towards the future with wonder. I trusted the cerulean horizon as it told me that great things would be delivered to me. This has stayed in my mind for a long time. I don't think it is a night that I will ever forget.
I learned from this experience is that we all have the ability to transcend the states of consciousness until we arrive at a point where we are able to think in such a massive and altering way. A lot of people use drugs as a means to do this. To me it is important to remember that I can do this on my own. MDMA just helped me learn how. I feel as though I appreciate some things more now - friendship and personal relationships and the positive influence that the environment has on me.
Ultimately, I realised that the only thing that can provide me with happiness in this life is other people. Material property seems irrelevant and void to me. I live to give everything I have, my entire being, to another person unconditionally. That's the reason I'm alive.
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