Citation: Insomniac Doze. "Retrospect Of My Five Day Feen: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall XR) (exp63623)". Erowid.org. Jan 20, 2010. erowid.org/exp/63623
I just poured a capsule of Adderall on my tongue. Craving a quick high, I rolled the little beads around in my mouth till they turned into a thin, yellowish paste. Adderall tastes very bitter and tart, especially on the taste buds at the tip of the tongue, but its not too bad, not bad enough to stop me from opening one up to pour into my mouth. Iíve been taking Adderall steadily now for five days, with a regularity that makes me a little nervous, but unable to stop. I donít have a prescription for this medication either, Iíve never had any reason to take this drug except curiosity, which Iím not sure is a valid reason, not anymore.
I woke up this morning after a deep, though short, sleep, a surprisingly deep sleep at that since I took 20 mg of Adderall the night before, around 11 oíclock. I started taking Adderall to help me study for finals last week. Iím currently a college student working on a degree in music but have developed some pretty bad study habits, though Iíve always, somehow, managed to slip by. Thatís how itís always been for me, I'm luckily blessed with a small bit of musical talent and the ability weasel my way through classes if I choose to. Unfortunately, Iíve also suffered from various levels of depression and social anxieties for most of my adolescent years, on and off, which have led to self-medication and psychological dependency to various drugs including alcohol and Dextromethorphan HBr or DXM, the active ingredient in cough syrup. The scary, though easily avoided, thought running through my head right now is that Iím starting to become dependent on this drug. My tolerance has already increased and Iíve become more afraid of the withdrawal symptoms, which seem to get worse every time I come down from my high.
But itís Sunday and I have about 50 mg of Adderall flowing through my system. I feel really good mentally, very intelligent and thoughtful, and my body feels warm and light. My hands shake when I stop typing, and they are cold and clammy to the touch, but they're usually a little cold with my low blood pressure. Iíve tried to work on my homework multiple times today but I keep getting distracted by other tasks. I canít focus on my music, which is what Iím supposed to be working on now, because of my distracting and overwhelming desires to read and write. I noticed that this is one of the biggest, and my personal favorite, effects that Adderall has on me. All I want to do is get totally lost in the pages of a big book, research everything that I can think of, or start writing, a lot, which is what I am doing now.
My thoughts are currently focused on the anticipation of the extra boost in my high that I should receive from the 10 mg of Adderall, on top of the 40 mg from earlier this morning, I downed before starting this paper, though I am pretty sure I am starting to experience the effects right now. As I stand to take a look at my pupils in the mirror, my heart beats a little harder and I experience a good, satisfying head rush. Although my pupils are not dilated, my eyes do feel like they have horse blinders on - another favorite effect of mine - and are unable to focus on anything but the computer screen.
When I first tried Adderall, last Wednesday afternoon, I took two 10 mg capsules of Adderall XR, one capsule was opened before eaten and the other was swallowed intact. That evening, about two hours after consumption, I went to my night art class with the most enthusiasm Iíve ever felt beforehand. My time spent in the studio that evening was amazing, I was extremely focused and excited about the project I was working on and managed to finish, surprisingly, before class had even ended. Afterwards, I went back to my dorm room and stayed up all night talking to a close friend, via instant messaging, who also uses amphetamines recreationally. We had a wonderful, long talk where I experienced a pleasant ease in the flow and making of conversation.
By six the next morning, my poor friend could no longer keep up with me and signed off to go to bed. I felt a powerful desire to find a new task to focus my attention on and decided, very spontaneously and with the sheer amusement, that I would go to lap swim at the campus pool. I was overwhelmed again with excitement and dropped another 10 mg down the hatch in anticipation for the new day. The familiar smell of chlorine for this former competitive swimmer was almost intoxicating when I exited the locker room and on to the pool deck. I chatted for a while with another friend of mine, who happened to be lifeguarding that morning, before I started with my lap swimming. She remarked on my quick speech and how alert I was so early in the day, though I didnít let her comment make me paranoid. I got into the pool and began the best bit of lap swimming Iíve experienced in quite a while.
An hour later, still feeling as wonderfully wound up as ever, I went over to the music department to work on several of my music performance pieces and to study for an upcoming test I had later that day. My attention was intently focused on my studies and I managed to get a lot accomplished. Later on, in my private voice lesson, my instructor made note of, and was pleased with, the progress Iíd made since our last meeting. I didn't mention to her that the only practicing I had done the previous week took place that morning. Later on, I did fairly well on the test Iíd studied for earlier that day and finished my classes with a great sense of accomplishment and well-being.
My Thursday evenings are normally spent at my campus radio station where I DJ weekly. Usually I spend roughly four hours in preparation for my show - creating play lists and gathering information about the artists that I feature on my show - but last Thursday I went to the station completely empty handed. My plan for that evening was to not use my computer, my usual tool, but to only use the resources available at the station, a bit of a challenge for me as a newer DJ, having to cue and fade on the sound board after every song and to find all the music I needed from the stationís huge, poorly organized, music library. That evening I had the most successful radio show I have ever had. I received many positive phone calls and requests from active listeners and a visiting DJ even commented on how fast and easily I moved around the station, from the library, to the soundboard, and back again.
Replaying Thursdayís events in my head so I can write them down here has put my behavior these past few days under a new light. I am not surprised that I have not stopped, nor slowed my intake of Adderall, especially with the success of last Thursday, and itís not surprising to me that I am currently under the influence of amphetamines, writing this long, detailed and totally voluntary, personal account for the vaults of Erowid. Today, and as of right now, I feel just as good as I did last Thursday, though instead of taking 10 mg of Adderall in the morning and another 10 in the afternoon, I needed 50 mg to feel the same way. Perhaps I donít really need 50 mg to feel the same effects, but I have never felt so eager to reach this level of high and have never been so reckless with any other drug. I am alarmed at the way I eat these pills like candy. I purchased my second baggy of pills last night and already, half of them are gone, digested, absorbed by the liver and taken by blood stream straight to my silly little head. At least when I started last week, my first bag of pills lasted me three days and I even gave several pills away to friends, but it's a different for this second bag.
Realizing this right now, I am becoming a little depressed and disheartened. I donít think I even need to continue to write down the events that have occurred between Thursday and now. It's all the same, Iíve just popped more pills and spent more time rushing around high or in a feen. This school year is almost over for me and I am going home soon, far away from this campus and the friends I have here. I am holding on to the hope that this current behavior of mine, and these little blue pills, do not follow me back home for the summer, and that I can finish out my school year successfully. Wish me luck.
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