Citation: Klaus. "Beginning of a Spiritual Journey: An Experience with Amphetamines (exp63280)". Erowid.org. Sep 10, 2007. erowid.org/exp/63280
I am writing this report for a number of reasons. Foremost is that I've always wanted to write a report but never felt I had the 'material' worthy of it, I hope to describe an aspect of this drug that is often overlooked, that being that its potential for inducing spiritual experiences is quite powerful, and, related to the last statement, drugs like this are fun, but too powerful to be casually messed with, as I found.
I'd like to begin by saying that I've had quite a diverse experience with psychoactives. It includes pot, alcohol, a wide range of sedative-hypnotics, cocaine, pharm speed, street methamphetamine, peyote, shrooms, 2c-b, and several others. As powerful as some of the experiences were, none come close to the majesty and awe of what I am about to describe, and it came about from a drug I really had little respect for as an entheogen.
It began close to a month ago when I went to a friend's house after school. Yes, I'm rather young, just finishing the 10th grade. Anyway my friend tells me he's got an ADHD perscription and doesn't want to take it anymore, and asks if I'd like to buy some. Acting against my better judgement (the drug most likely to do me in would be speed, I'm an addict when it comes to that stuff), I buy three.
I've had experience with Adderall and Concerta, the two biggest ADD/ADHD perscriptions, but not with this, it was a generic form of dl-amphetamine salts. I'm not sure as to what the dosage was, I knew then but not now. I know it was definitely within the 90-120 mg range, but don't take my word for it. I decided to 'play it safe' and took one at about 4:30, another one in the evening around 7 or 8, and snorted half of one at midnight with my sister.
It definitely did not begin as anything special. I noticed the same speed euphoria, increased music appreciation, quick thoughts, colors seem brighter, etc. Unusual thing was I also got an X-like feel to it, I felt a huge sense of goodwill and forgiveness towards everyone. It might help to add here that I'm bipolar, and have been off my meds for several months now. When all this occurred I'd definitely been having an 'upswing' and I'm sure this contributed to my experience. But more anon.
I maintained this way for the rest of the evening until about midnight when my sister asked if I had anything. I told her I had one speed pill and suggested we could share it between us. She agreed and we split the pill. I didn't feel anything remarkable for a while after this. We spent the next few hours whittling the time away with earnest discussion about something. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until it got to be around 3 a.m. That's when stuff got a little out of control. Somehow I'd gotten into this train of thought about how in denial I was about all these aspects of my life and how I mindfuck myself constantly. Normal thoughts for me. But this time my thoughts seemed supercharged with an intense, searching energy. My cognition picked up speed over the next hour or so and by 4:00 I was having the beginnings of my first spiritual epiphany.
The feeling was absolutely tremendous. Tremendous in the old sense of the word: it was absolutely terrifying. Before I knew it I'd been taken hold of by this powerful, overwhelming energy and realization. A supernatural presence pervaded everything inside and outside of me. My rational, verbal thoughts slowly dissolved into an alphabet soup. I came to think in vivid, abstract pictures that conveyed leagues of meaning beyond what a word can impart. My sister was a bit disturbed by my behavior at first. She thought I was just having an 'aha' moment. But as it built she became concerned and told me to calm down.
I peaked just as the sun began to peek over the horizon. I was flooded by a sense of inner peace, I was able to examine my life from start to finish and understood everything about it. It compares to many an acid trip I've read about, and this from a supposedly 'purely recreational' drug. In that moment I understood what so many saints and mystics and religions had been talking about. No longer was I imprisoned in the dry plane of intellectual knowledge, for the first time I became intimately in touch with the spirit that runs through all things.
The beauty of the experience was indescribable, so, naturally, I tried my best to describe it, first to my sister and then to my mom who'd just gotten up to get ready for work. The epiphany by this time was passing, and I was basking in the euphoric afterglow of having figured out everything about myself. Granted I didn't learn any secrets of the universe or achieve cosmic union, but it was powerful enough nonetheless, enough to make me think twice about trying to induce such states within myself.
My new level of thinking was divinely lucid, but my speech constantly stopped, sputtered, and derailed. Writing didn't help much either. My command of language had collapsed in the wake of my trip. It seemed hollow and completely unfit to encapsulate all the meaning I'd found. I distinctly remember thinking that I know had found meaning in life. I had an incredible sense of being healed on a deep, profound level. I made peace with many demons inside myself and came to a lot of realizations about myself. I saw through years of delusion inside me. Most of it was there because I put it there, meticulously building a prison of entangled thought and emotion, that up till this point had crushed and squeezed me and rendered all my efforts at knowing, really knowing and feeling and living, fruitless. It was analagous to a bomb going off inside of me, and I was able to stand outside of the blast and watch as my 'self' careened off in a thousand directions, allowing me to examine everything in detail and truth.
Once the epiphany began to wane other things began to happen, more akin to psychosis than anything else. I was still strongly centered from the experience, which is the only reason I didn't lose my mind. I began to hallucinate, I saw a red, crackling outline around my body when I looked at it. The air was charged with vibration, as was everything around me. As I descended back into verbal thought I became aware of how incoherent my thinking was. I panicked for a time, thinking this was all meaningles, a drug-induced delusion with no substance. But the conviction I felt during my epiphany could not be uprooted, and hasn't been up to today.
I was a little unhinged for several days afterward, it had jarred me emotionally and caused me alot of confusion. Was it real? Did I really learn anything at all? Was I just going to waste it by being lazy? That's why I am writing about it in retrospect, after I've been able to collect my thoughts about it.
Despite my fears, I value this experience immensely. I'm alot more in tune with myself as a result, and have begun a simple prayer life too. Nothing too fancy or elaborate, I saw through too much delusion in myself to go all out and become a 'born-again mystic' or something like that. But it was the impetus for me to seek something more in my life in earnest.
By the way, I know the amphetamines were just that. The dude I bought them gave them to me from the perscription bottle, and is trustworthy too, so I don't think this was an accidental trip on another drug. That being said, for those of you out there who are susceptible to strong stimulant reactions like me, be careful. I can't say anyone will react like this, but take heed. It was a good experience, but hardly recreational and scared the living shit out of me. I honestly have NO desire to repeat it. Drugs are fun, but some are too powerful to be fucked with casually. I'll be the first too add amphetamines to that list.
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