Citation: MGM/MNM. "Mind-Prison: Falling Into Place Fake Reality: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (exp63088)". Erowid.org. Sep 4, 2017. erowid.org/exp/63088
Drug Condition: I have smoked cannabis regularly, about twice a day, for about five months. I had just smoked an entire bowl of sativa to my dome the night before, so I sorta knew what I was in for.
Setting: Four of us were planning to smoke salvia that night, and there were about five other people there who just wanted to watch. We also took a video camera along to record a bit with. Basically we're a bunch of college kids getting together to have some fun.
Details: 2ft glass ROOR, and a fair-sized snapper hit (I was taking a smaller hit on purpose, because I had a bad trip the night before and wanted to minimize the time if I had a repeat. btw a snapper is enough of whatever you are smoking to give one person an entire breath of smoke)
Let me get this off my chest. I had a horrible, HORRIBLE trip... WHILE I was undergoing my main hallucination. For comparison, it took my image of hell and made me realize how unoriginal I am. Pssh, as if I knew what mental pain was.. hah. However, after the main aka bad hallucination wore off, the rest of the trip was enjoyable, even if I only got a little taste of the 'after' hallucinations.
Long Story Short:
Took a hit, immediately my awareness sank back into my mind. It was a visual and auditory trip, but it all took place inside my mind. My eyes were open the entire time, but I saw, physically, nothing. I felt like my conscious being, and with it everything that I knew to be real, was falling into place on a two-dimensional plane in my mind, most of it concentrated on a single line. No physical awareness, no memory of smoking the salvia, no knowledge of 'who' I was. I guess no knowledge of where I was either, because for me, reality was inside of my mind.
It was as if I were taken to another reality and I watched myself form.
Chill at first, until I started to realize that there was more to existence than this darkness in my mind. Slow realization that I have a body. After this, I was living inside of hell. I realized I had no control over what I was seeing, and no idea when I could take control of my body. I still had no idea 'where' my body was, and I didnt remember smoking either. My thoughts started to picture the room I was in, followed by entrapment in my mind, followed by a picture of the room, etc. This seemed to go on for about ten minutes. Actual time: ~1 minute.
When I finally, finally got back control of my body, I was still uncertain which reality was actually real. The reality in my mind, or the reality that I was walking around in.
I was still uncertain which reality was actually real. The reality in my mind, or the reality that I was walking around in.
This caused intense fear inside of me. I asked the people in the room if they were real. I would ask them if I were sure. I was back, but I wasnt sure it was real. This was about the end of it.
I took my hit, breathed out, and immediately fell into what I will call unconsciousness. My point of view went from my body, to inside of my conscious. You know, when you close your eyes and you picture stuff in your head? I went to that world. Now, this is what I both felt and saw happening:
I started at nothing, just blackness, void. Throughout this mental part, I did not see color, only black, whites, and greys. It started at a point, a point in the blackness. This point was essentially my beginning. In my mind's eye, there was nothing behind this point. From there the 'motion' was like a zipper going left to right. I'm not sure what exactly was being zipped together. It changed as it went along. It started with nothing, then started zipping the black together. I guess this part was my unconscious.
Again, from my point of view it was if I watched, not went, watched, from point A in my mind, which was just a blank point, to point B, which at the time I was not sure, but on afterthought I'm confident was physical reality. I was travelling all along a single line that had been ripped open and was being zipped shut.
As my SELF was being zipped up, there was this sort of.. noise.. or voice. I think it was actually a sound that I made up to go along with being zipped. It was like a 'wooooaaaahhhh.... wooooahhh', the sort of woah you make when you swing yourself by your arms around a pole in a circle multiple times. Also, there was a sing-songy voice. At first it seemed innocent, but as the zipper went along it felt almost evil. I cant remember any of what it sang, or if it was even singing words at all.
Oh, I have thought very deeply about this trip and described it quite a few ways. Just in case anyone reading is trying to connect to this, there was one other way I described this feeling: Take yourself, and by yourself I mean everything non-physical. Everything that you know, your consciousness. Now put it into a single point. Now make a line with it, that line representing 'you', spread across time. Your time-line if you will, lol. Everything you are is in that line, from beginning to end. Now spread it up, to make a rectangular plane. Your consciousness is now spread like a picture on that plane.
What I felt was as if someone took that plane, opened it like the edge of a book opens (you know what a picture drawn on the side of a book does as it opens and falls right? the way it warps backwards) and then flipped it back down. I felt and saw 'myself' forcibly falling from this warped perspective back into the 'proper' place in the line in my mind. I just use the zipper as another way to describe it.
By the way my physical eyes weren't seeing any of this, it was all inside of my mind. There is video of me sitting on the bed and 'running' while sitting, with a vacant look in my eyes. I'm not sure why I was running. I put forward I was trying to escape. For me, my mind is my sanctuary. I consider myself to have a very active imagination, and excellent control of my thoughts.
Back to the zipper.
As the zipper moved along my SELF ...
(it wasnt really motion. It was more like my mind's eye moved alongside it so that at the point the zipper was closing, that was what I was feeling)
...the woooahhhs changed to this, I kinda shudder at the thought of it now, but like this sing-songy voice. I cant recall what it was saying exactly, but it was like ''Ooooh, here he coooomes.' *indistinct whispering of many voices* 'No not quite. There he goooes.'' The noise or voice was very soft though. I'm not even sure if it was a voice. As I reflect back, it may have either been the music playing in the room, or perhaps somebody's voice breaking through to me.
I kinda doubt it was someones voice though, because during my trip I actually left the room, walked upstairs and tried to talk to someone, then came back down to the room. I have no idea how I physically managed to do that while I was still coming to terms with myself in my head. It somewhat boggles me actually. I was able to move myself around and attempt conversation? Not only that, but recognize familiar faces? (it was one of my friends who I only saw like, twice a week or so).
Anyways, as my SELF finally started to reach the end, I got the feeling that I was about to regain control of my body.
Just in case you were wondering, I would classify this as somewhat an out-of-body experience. I had no recollection of my body or what I physically looked like while I was inside my head. I do not remember sensually (as in 5 senses) perceiving anything at all, in fact. For me, reality was this... zipper. Everything that I knew was there in front of me, or had passed earlier.
The zipper disappeared, and with it the sense turned more into falling shapes, that seemed to fall into place while still moving to the right. Now, my minds eye started to whirl. It would still face the direction of my line, but rapidly drift for and away in a circular motion.
I really cannot put this part into words, but as I 'saw' the end coming it was if I were physically aware that the mental me was returning to my physical body. I was starting to have a mental feeling that I was clawing towards consciousness, even if I didnt know what consciousness was.
However, as the shapes fell, the voice sang its evilish song, and my mind's eye whirls about, the actual line started to loop. I would feel as if it were tracing out the entire room. The way it traced out the room was as if I were sitting in the very back corner, and I didnt see much detail to it. Then I would be back to the dark, whirling, unconscious, and then I would see the room again. Each time I saw the room, I thought I had regained consciousness and thought the blackness was over. I'm not sure how exactly I phased back into my body. Its all a sort of very... dizzy, whirling thought.
The horrifying part was that as soon as I realized that I had a body, there was nothing I could do to attach to it. When I started to reach the end it was like this huge battle in my mind. I fought. No, I raged a desperate war against whatever was gripping my mind. With everything I had, I wanted this whirling to end and for me to finally return to reality, but nothing I thought could bring me back. I couldnt even really think. Although I had thoughts, they were almost immediately gone from my mind as I focused again on the line that was 'me'. (the line, meaning 'me' from point A to point B. It was this line that was being zipped/falling/whirling together)
At this point I was so very close to consciousness. I imagined I could see back to the beginning of the me-line. Voices started to sink through to me, but I could not comprehend them. I was terrified. As close as I came to consciousness, I remained with these voices and the blackness of my mind. (dunno if you remember the beginning, but there was no color in my mental reality)
Eventually I regained control of my body, I don't remember the details of how I became conscious though, just the whirling. It was at this point, the very second I regained control, I said 'It's ok, I'm here now'.
I had no memory of what I had physically done while I was gone, but I was now standing up on the other side of the room. I did not find this unusual. HOWEVER, although I finally escaped that mental prison, I was gripped with fear that the room I was in was somehow 'not real'. I felt as if the room were about to be ripped open at some point, and that I would return back to my mind. By ripped open... oh boy.
I guess I can put it as: I still felt as if I were trapped inside my head. I felt that at any moment I would realize that the room was a fake reality, and it would be ripped out from under me and I would be back in the void. There was one quilt which had black and white squares, when I looked at it, I felt like the end was going to tear apart on one of the black tiles, tear apart and turn everything back into darkness.
That's the bad part. I only had one experience when I was back in my body, and that was the colors on a poster switching (it was a white poster with red border and black writing. I looked at it and saw the red border turn gray. I was like 'Whaaat?' out loud, and then the writing turned from black to red. I just stared, said 'Naahh', and walked upstairs to my room.
Here's the extremely weird part. The previous night when I smoked, I had the EXACT same hallucination of being trapped inside my mind. Not exact down to the T, but I even had the sing-songy voices the first trip. I was wondering if it was normal to have the same hallucination twice? I even had that feeling that I could be sucked backed into unconsciousness. The after hallucinations were much, much nicer though.
Dose: Entire medium bowl in one hit, 20x (same salvia)
After I regained awareness, I had the feeling that I was about to fold in on myself like a closing umbrella. I even felt a sort of 'horizontal gravity' that was pushing me in arcs, so that my body felt like the arches of an umbrella. Everything I looked at looked skewed like this, as if there were some sort of umbrella shape to everything.
I felt like I was going to fold up, and go back into my mental prison, so I got out of the car. First thing I looked at was a tree, and it looked like the texture of the leaves were piano keys. I took a deep breath during this. This deep breath seemed to lessen the hallucinations, and that's the point that I remembered I had smoked salvia. I said to my friend 'Dude! When I breathe it goes away!' He started to look at me, then I was like 'I'll be right back, I need to run'.
I figured that running would make me breath deep, and stop the horrible feeling that I was about to be sucked back in. It seemed to help, although the feeling that I was sorta 'shaped' like an umbrella lasted for a while (approx 10 minutes longer than my other hallucinations)
That trip was a looong one too. It was a half-hour between me taking the hit, and sprinting away from the car.
I believe it was yesterday that I reported my salvia trip (above). Since then a few things have happened that I would like to add.
I only smoked the salvia twice, but last night I went on a trip without it
What If I Can't Come Back? - Salvia divinorum (10x extract), by Faerie
- The account that she gives in her story, when I read it, it seemed exactly the same way mine was, except using a different description. The feeling that everything is folding in on itself, the feeling that you will be trapped for eternity in the 'dance' (her dance would be to my zipper, that motion of everything falling into place from a skewed angle, as it warps around), it's just weird. Also, when you resume control of your body. I had that same exact feeling. When I came to, I was in the room, but I had the inching horror that the room was not real.
It somehow felt that the room was separated, maybe like it was floating, separated from everything, through the universe. The horror she described was also very similar. An eternity to spend in this stretching, whirling darkness?
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