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I Found the Courage to Love
Ayahuasca (B. caapi & P. viridis)
by Exist
Citation:   Exist. "I Found the Courage to Love: An Experience with Ayahuasca (B. caapi & P. viridis) (exp63049)". Erowid.org. Jul 9, 2007. erowid.org/exp/63049

 
DOSE:
1 shot oral Ayahuasca (liquid)

BODY WEIGHT: 140 lb


This experience took place on the night of Saturday the 12th of May, and the morning of Sunday the 13th of May. I was told a few weeks before the 12th that I would have the opportunity to try Ayahuasca in the company of a good friend, in a ceremony type situation. I took the opportunity. I cannot be sure who exactly made the brew. What I do know is it was Caapi + Viridis, made in South America and brought to the states. It was then passed on to the man that gave it to my friend and I, who was a good friend of hers.

That night I arrived at the home where we would partake at about 6:30pm. The only person there was the man who owned the space. My friend arrived a little before 7:00pm. There were going to be two sitters, who were the only ones we were waiting for at this point. So five people altogether, only two of which would be consuming the Aya, my friend and I.

The two sitters arrived around 7:30pm. They proceded to rearrange the main room of the home and provide us with a comfortable space. We had decided to all dress as white as possible. I had a white T-Shirt on and khaki colored cargo pants. This was suggested by my friend. We would also have an altar. Each of us would bring two items to place upon it. I have become used to being an independent tripper and feeling comfortable taking care of myself so I was skeptical about the ceremony style rituals, but I became very comfortable with it as time passed, grateful even. I began to see how taking the time to do certain rituals shows you that you respect the substance and are capable of certain measures of self control regarding it. I also began to surrender to the idea of not preparing my own Ayahuasca, I relaxed and everything ended up great.

Everything finally was prepared around 9:00pm and the five of us began to organize ourselves in a circle. The lights were turned off. We placed our altar/TV cart in the center of our circle. The main sitter/ bringer of the Ayahuasca (I will call him A) went outside and got a few leaves and some dirt to place on the altar. A blanket was then placed over the leaves and dirt. The intention was to bring nature into the household. We went around our circle and we first placed upon the altar an object that represented an intention for the night and explained the object.

My object was a slip of paper. On one side was a Mobius strip, on the other were the words 'I am you. You are me. Love yourself and you will be free.'
My object was a slip of paper. On one side was a Mobius strip, on the other were the words 'I am you. You are me. Love yourself and you will be free.'
This represented my intention to simply continue on with the lessons that psychedelics and life unceasingly teach me. I wanted to surrender to the moment and simply let things happen. I wanted the slip of paper to represent my belief that everything is perfect. I had no need to have a specific intention, because I would be happy with whatever happened. Everything is perfect. How else could it be? The second object to be placed on the altar was supposed to be a Prayer. I had brought a small plastic vial containing about 150mg of DMT. I wanted to show that I was thankful that DMT had came into my life. Nothing else had had such a profound effect on me. I simply did not realize I was alive before DMT discovered me.

The Ayahuasca was then served to the two of us one at a time. We shared a shot glass. We each took one shot, and then planned to wait about 45 minutes to see if we would like another. Now having finally tasted Ayahuasca, I can officially say that cacti brew is at least twice as bad. Instead of chasing the Aya with another liquid, I chewed a piece of Orange Orbit gum to mask the flavor. It worked very well.

'A' turned on some beautiful music that he had received along with the Aya and we then sat back and waited patiently for the brew to speak to us. The first visual effects seemed to come on within 10 minutes. Lightly colored spots appeared with eyes closed. Very slowly the visual effects increased and I began to find myself flowing along with the snake like undulations of the music. The very familiar feeling of DMT began to creep up on me, but without the initial terror that smoked DMT causes me. This was an extremely smooth ride.

With eyes closed I began to find myself taking part in kaleidoscopic visuals. I felt like I was a part of them, embedded in them. Imagine sitting up straight with each of your legs bent up toward your face. Put your arms around your legs and put your head in between your knees and your chest. That was the position I was in most of the time. I could sense my body as a complex geometric entity being turned inside out repeatedly by the kaleidoscopic actions of the mind. The bliss began to come. I raised my arms and let the air caress them.

I remember feeling as if a father figure was telling me something very important. I began to cry. 'Trust only yourself. Trust only yourself because that is all there is.' I could feel love flowing through me. I had many thoughts about courage. I remember thinking about how much it takes to love yourself, and crying because I had finally found that courage. I had found the courage to love myself with all my heart. Tears are coming to my eyes thinking about it now. At one point I seriously entertained the idea of getting the word COURAGE tattooed on the upper side of my left forearm, but as the effects of the brew faded away, so did that idea.

I began to see that the first step in changing the world is to love yourself. That is all anyone can ever ask of you, and it is something no one can take away from you.
I began to see that the first step in changing the world is to love yourself. That is all anyone can ever ask of you, and it is something no one can take away from you.
I promise that if you love yourself with all your heart you will be free. That love will spread. Once I found the courage to love myself, I found the courage to love the rest of the world. I made a promise to myself that from that moment on I would love the world and everything it encompasses. Until the day I died I would love the world.

As my tears subsided, so did the visions. They seemed to last only as long as I needed them to. I believe all that happened up to this point took around two hours. I declined the second shot of liquid because I had nothing to gain by drinking it. I had accomplished what I had set out to do. I told myself to have the courage necessary to not take any more. I also knew that If I tried to take a second shot, I would vomit. Once I had gone through the nausea I knew I would not like the thought of taking anymore. Next time I will drink as much as desired all at one time.

Periodically, a candle was lit and we were asked how were doing. I was doing amazing every time, but my friend was not doing so well. She seemed very nauseous and was fighting to stay conscious. She also said later that she was in a lot of pain. I can't begin to guess what caused all of this. At the time I felt bad, but I knew she had to help herself. There was only so much any of us could do. She wasn't screaming for an ambulance, so we didn't take any actions like that. She recovered, without going unconscious, and a few hours later she seemed to be feeling quite well, but I think that was primarily a feeling of relief.

I neither puked nor had diarrhea. The nausea was bearable. I have felt much worse both times I have consumed Pedro tea. When it was about 3:30-4:00am a candle was lit and we went around the circle in the opposite direction addressing our objects on the altar and describing our experience. I was very thankful to have had the experience, and thanked DMT for the chance to learn from it once again.

Once that was done, we went into the kitchen and fed ourselves lightly and laughed with each other. I had some strawberries, some apple, and some bread with almond butter. I felt refreshed, and was finally prepared to sleep. The sun was rising.

Exp Year: 2007ExpID: 63049
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Jul 9, 2007Views: 35,765
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Ritual (129), Ayahuasca (8), Banisteriopsis caapi (169), Psychotria viridis (170) : Group Ceremony (21), Personal Preparation (45), Guides / Sitters (39), Entities / Beings (37), Mystical Experiences (9), Glowing Experiences (4), First Times (2)

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