Citation: B. "Pure Thought and True Authenticity of Being: An Experience with 2C-E (exp62764)". Erowid.org. May 11, 2007. erowid.org/exp/62764
||(powder / crystals)
I must begin with some background. I am 18 years old, 6'1', and weigh 135 lbs. I've done all sorts of substances, but aside from one specific acid trip and another mushroom with a person who means a lot to me, I have not drawn much out of anything but DXM.
Whenever I have a third plateau DXM experience, I always come out of it clear-minded, entirely dissociated from my identity. Last weekend in particular, I lost a sense of meaningfulness as I felt that nothing in the whole world meant anything to me. Deep inside I have always felt that, but I had hidden behind the 'fog' of doing and caring about bullshit, as well as attaching all meaning to a relationship with that particularly important individual mentioned above.
Most recently, however, I have parted ways (at least temporarily, but maybe forever) with her. It is my understanding that we hid behind fear and filling our thoughts and time with bullshit. Although we had significant experiences together with psychedelics, we ended up seeking those kinds of effects by exploring the empty world of drugs that are not psychedelics, which ultimately led her to feel that all drugs are a negative influence. This experience, however, led me to understand her point of view, and consider some serious lifestyle changes.
Last weekend, I tripped DXM with a buddy from school, with whom I first tried DXM about one year ago. I took 375 mg, which is a very large dose for me, and, considering that D weighs about 100 lbs more than me, he took 765 mg. While the effects were very interesting, I've done DXM enough not to be too intrigued by them. One significant thing was that I was in a restaurant observing all these people through the window next to the booth for nearly twenty minutes. I turned around and looked again: it turned out that I had actually been staring into a solid wall.
After this trip, I felt such a sense of emptiness that everyone could see it in my eyes. I spent the week missing my significant other, not feeling the ability to feel anything other than insignificant momentary emotions such as humor. I was entirely dissociated from my problems, my feelings, my identity. All I could do was think and learn. Doing calculus felt nice.
The 2c-e arrived on wednesday. My best friend, J, had ordered 500 mg and snorted about 4 mg that night. He informed me that it was an incredible experience. He said he felt a lot of nausea for the first hour, but then everything became quite wonderful. He explained that he first became incredibly cognizant, then started to think in feelings, then feel in feelings, and drift into euphoria. The experience lasted about five hours.
Two days later, (yesterday, which was friday), I had planned on trying the chemical. I had a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast around 8:15, but the iced coffee completely drained my system out. I am very sensitive to most chemicals, but it is my personal hypothesis that most psychedelics are not very dependent on body weight. An example of this sensitivity was the stimulant chills I felt for an hour from drinking a large iced coffee, along with 'bouncing off the walls' until around four o'clock.
At four, I weighed out 15 mg of the 2c-e powder. I used a little tiny spoon and knocked it against my teeth so it fell on my tongue. Washed it down with water, only tasted it a tiny bit. Tastes like most strange chemicals, like the pure vanillin my father brought home from work.
About 30 minutes later, maybe 40, J and I headed out to pick up a bag of mj for him and our friend M, who would not be around until later that night, after I went home. I began to feel quite different. I was glad that I had not really eaten anything all day - I felt very strange inside and felt that I could not eat anything. The visuals were very pronounced after-images (trails) to the point of being able to focus on the trail itself and examine it. I began to speak quite a bit. I explained to J that he is my best friend in the world, and that my english teacher pointed out to me that two people can have a 'soul mate' kind of relationship that is not at all romantic in nature. I was very glad that he seemed to understand. He said 'I'm quite an understanding individual' and we laughed.
After some errands and discussion about the value of communication and isolation and loneliness at the supermarket, we picked up my button down shirt so that I'd look snazzy at our friend E's eighteenth birthday party. We arrived at her house, and by this time, I had begun to become lost in thought. I talked non-stop, and every once in a while, my thoughts would collapse on each other and I would suddenly say 'What just happened? I feel like something significant happened, but I have NO idea what it was!'
I had become completely dominated by cognizant function. I explained to a friend that I had switched from being immersed in the aesthetic to the intellectual and attempted to explain that, ordinarily, humans are dominated by aesthetic faculties, one of which is 'humor', but that my experience has become entirely dominated by those functions that are categorically similar to 'wit'. I understood why things were humorous and enjoyed those ideas far more than the actual feeling of humor. In other words, I dismissed feeling humor as less important than the idea of 'I feel humor' or 'that is very funny because of this and that, and the fact that this and that cause the original humor is, in fact, hilarious'. Watching other humans become quite hilarious, as I could imagine why each was thinking or doing anything, and all of those things seemed to be so silly and meaningless.
Furthermore, I was looking at every individual on the deck and figuring out that which they were thinking and feeling and, much like a computer switching back and forth between tasks, I was able to BE everyone there at once with a bit of concentration. I felt somewhat overwhelmed by the idea that others might be actually listening to what I was saying and wondering what was up, but J assured me that people would listen and hear big words and just say 'weird smart people' He suggested that we go to the car for a cigarette.
At the car, I began to very much feel that I had become very purely 'myself'. Throughout the night, I discovered my own identity, and, in combination with my recent dissociation from all the things that my identity is NOT, I feel that I genuinely discovered these things. For the first time in my life, I feel like a truly 'authentic' being. When two of my recently arrived friends greeted us and asked how it was, I simply said, 'I am pure thought.'
We all departed and re-gathered at a hookah bar for E's party. Along the way (the drive took an hour, at least) I drifted in and out of being 'lost in thought'. I came to an understanding that times in which I felt overwhelmed by many thoughts, it was a temptation to just 'give up' and 'become everything'. I felt that for a moment but realized that the idea of infinity is absurd in a utilitarian sense, and as such was very similar to the idea of nothing.
Upon our arrival, I began to feel very exhausted. It was around 7:30 when we sat down. I sat next to J, but ended up speaking to the girl next to me a bit. She was very 'stuck up' and appeared to be materialistic, but upon talking to her, I decided that she was a very interesting and intelligent girl. She was so disconnected from everything that was going on, keeping control through fake smiles and laughs, interestingly rude comments that went over the heads of the other girls, and a very self-confident persona. Earlier, at the party, I noticed this briefly and tried to communicate it to her, but I was having trouble finding the right words. Upon our departure, however, J said 'Essentially, your cognizant faculty is bottlenecked' and in response to her glare, laughed, 'And the fact that she understood that as an insult, very good!'
I ordered mango hookah, and really enjoyed the taste. In between 'tokes', however, I became more and more exhausted. Interestingly, there was a window in front of me, but I was sure that it as a mirror for some reason, and stared into it intently for a bit every few minutes to see if I would see my reflection. I shrugged it off with a half belief: 'I guess I'm invisible'.
I moved to another table and conversed with a girl, S. She has not tripped, but reads books and acts/dresses 'all hippie-like'. I do not quite understand, but it's her thing. I explained to her that psychedelics will allow the individual taking them the opportunity to see his or her identity far more clearly than in ordinary space. They are not necessary, however, I could read many books and gain a lot of insight, yet, I've never heard anyone invalidate someone else's existence because they have not read a certain book. Basically, I realized that my experiences have led me to a certain place at which I want to be, but that taking the same 'route' may lead others to entirely different places.
In much of the same way, a book can be read and understood differently than the author intended and the understanding of different individuals experiencing the same words will also vary greatly. J had highlighted the idea that our perceptions are all opinions, and that although it would be absurd to dismiss the idea of absolute truth, every person's experience and opinions are defined by some vast number of little mistakes. Otherwise, discussions between individuals would end up being composed similarly to, 'Yes, very true. True. That is true. Yes, it is'
At one point, because I had only eaten a bagel that morning (which had been expelled rather quickly as a result of the coffee), I felt extremely exhausted (but not tired) and lay down. After people began to ask me if I was okay, I decided that I was okay enough to get up and avoid drawing attention to myself. I simply wanted to lie down, and I felt quite good lying there.
At 10:30, we left for E's house. When we arrived, I had a long talk with a kid, Z. He explained to me that he had never smoked anything, so after smoking hookah, he felt very strange. He then shared that he was plagued by problems - school, track, and girls. He couldn't avoid feeling so stressed out. I mentioned that I had become entirely detached from everything the past week, but when he said 'what was that, I need that,' I began to say that it wouldn't just make problems 'disappear'. A far greater problem manifested itself, and I knew that I was ready to deal with it. I shared that I have grown quite a bit in the past few weeks, as well as over the past few years with my experiences, but that my way of going about things would not work for everyone. Simply put, I said, 'Drugs did wondrous things for me, but I certainly wouldn't advise anyone to try to do the same thing for the same results.'
I told J that I felt that there is no reason for me to do any drugs anymore, except the occasional 2c-e and/or dxm. Everything else - mj, alcohol, percs, kratom, vicodin, even LSD, which I feel is too sensory in nature in contrast to 2c-e, the physical effects of which are entirely irrelevant to the beauty of the experience - is meaningless and silly. Sure, I'll probably sometimes smoke with the guys or drink at a party, but those kinds of drugs seem to be 'lifestyle' drugs. While DXM and 2c-e seem to be integral to my lifestyle, they are not in any way the lifestyle itself. The other drugs seem not to fit into that description.
I got home at 12:15 and lay in bed until 4:30, unable to sleep, very much tripping, and thinking quite a bit about the direction of my life. In one of those categories, I concluded that I will be just fine (because I have myself, something I haven't fully grasped my entire life) if things do not work out with my significant other, but I certainly desire that our souls would reunite if possible. Love is so beautiful: It seems to me that I should find out that which is the best that the world has to offer while I'm here, and I have overwhelmingly concluded that it is to be found in other people. I intend to unite with my own identity as well as to unite with the souls of others while I'm here. If I can be authentic, that is the most I can do to gain the most out of my interactions with others.
As a conclusion concerning the effects of 2c-e, its beauty comes from the effect on the mind and thoughts, which causes the otherwise undeniably strong physical (visual and body) effects to become irrelevant and insignificant details.
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