Citation: En San It E. "I Lived in the Clouds: An Experience with DXM (exp6174)". Erowid.org. Feb 17, 2002. erowid.org/exp/6174
I have a lot of experience with DXM and enjoy it a lot. This is my most profound experience to date.
WARNING: While this trip was amazing and fun, it could easily have been disastrous. At a dose this high, it is probably not a good idea to go out in public. If you do, MAKE SURE you have someone who is at least semi-coherent with you, and watching you. There was a period of 2 - 3 hours during this trip that I had no conscious knowledge of my body or my surroundings in reality. If my friends had not been with me, who knows what might have happened. I hope this report shows the importance of calculating dosage (all of our doses had been calculated very systematically) and the EXTREME importance of having someone watch you while on very high doses of DXM (preferably a sober person, but a low 3rd Plateau 'sitter' should be ok, IF they are experienced), especially in public.
The two friends that were with me I will refer to as M and N.
M,N, and I had been doing DXM pretty frequently for a few months. On this particular Saturday N and I picked up the Robo enroute to M's apartment. Upon arriving there, we proceeded to chug the Robo. I think N had a little more than an 8 ounce and M had almost two. I was trying for a high fourth plateau trip. I got two 8 ounce bottles of Robo Max down, and started on a four ounce. I gave up on it after about half an hour and a little over half the bottle, as it was making me very nauseous. This had taken about an hour and 15 minutes.
We all sat around M's living room, watching TV and trying not to vomit. About an hour after I finished drinking the Robo, it kicked in pretty nicely, and I no longer felt bad. We had wanted to go to the mall earlier, so we decided to head out. It was approximately 2 and 1/2 miles to the mall, on foot. At first it wasnít too bad, just a slight separation from reality and a little time lagging. But as we went, it got a lot worse (better?). I think the worst part of all was trying to cross streets. No matter how long we looked to make sure no traffic was coming, the second we stepped onto the road, we were overcome by fear of being hit, causing us to shuffle as fast as possible across the street. This seemed ridiculous, because on most occasions, I was even looking up and down the street while I hurried across, and I saw there was no traffic coming, yet still I was scared and hurrying.
As we went of course, the DXM was kicking in harder and harder. After a while time and space were very distorted, and I was feeling as if the world was stretching out and slowing down. N must have been feeling the same thing, because both of us started yelling at M, who was leading the way to the mall. We kept yelling at him for talking us into going to the mall, and asking how much further it was. He didn't seem to notice us too much, and just kept walking. Then N and I ran into a small mound of dirt about 4 feet high. N and I climbed onto it and stood there, amazed. From the top it looked as if we were on top of a large mountain, and I wanted nothing so much as to sit there and just BE, forever. It was strange, but I felt very safe on that pile of dirt, right next to the road.
Eventually M seemed to get impatient, I think, and told us to hurry up. I was wondering how to get down off of the 'mountain' when N just ran down the side. I couldn't really understand how he had done it, and was afraid to try it myself. I inched towards the edge of the pile, and eventually slipped and fell off it. I was happy to be alive, elated. We then continued on towards the mall, while I constantly asked M how far it was, and mumbled to myself about never getting there. After a while M said 'There, it's right there' and pointed to the mall. I looked at it and it looked like, I swear, a bunch of large tents shaped like the Sydney Opera house (or whatever it's called) in Australia. I mentioned this to N and he said he thought so too.
After what seemed like another hour or two, we reached the mall parking lot. We lay back on a slanted stone wall and had a couple of cigarettes before going inside. This is where I lost track of reality completely. Lying there smoking, I was feeling very content and dissociated. I looked up at the sky and watched the clouds. They were very odd, stretched out and slow. Then I noticed I didn't feel my body anymore. I looked around, but nothing looked the same. I didn't see myself, or my friends, or traffic, or even the mall. I just saw the wall I was leaning back on and the parking lot, which seemed to extend itself to infinity. The sky had gone black at some point, but the clouds were still there. I was pretty confused, so I just stared at the clouds.
Then another strange thing. The ground receded and the clouds got closer. It looked as though I was floating, but it didn't feel like it. It seemed like I was sitting still and everything was moving but me. Eventually the ground disappeared completely and I was in the sky alone. But it was dark and the stars were out, like I was in space, despite that the clouds were still there and plainly visible, and bright. A cloud floated around me and I kind of became the cloud. I had no sense of actual feeling, I didn't feel like I had a body, even in the cloud. I could see in every direction at once and saw nothing but clouds and stars. For a while I just stayed there, and I wondered where the world had gone. Then all the clouds started moving again, and I just went with them. At the same time as I watched all this, I felt almost an empathy from these clouds and space. Fragments of my life flashed before me, but without visuals or words, just feelings. And somehow I could see how they fit, how they seemed to make sense. All the questions I had every asked and those I hadn't just answered themselves, and I absorbed these answers from the clouds without understanding how, why, or even really knowing what they were answering. I just felt that everything made perfect sense and was content.
This continued for a very long time. Then suddenly lightning started shooting from the clouds, to where I don't know. The bolts seemed to just go nowhere and to go on forever, at the same time. Then one shot from my cloud, and it was as if I slid down this bolt, but without moving.
The next thing I knew I was staring at a repeating lightning bolt. Slowly everything around me dawned on my senses. M was standing to my right, looking at the bolts, and saying something. I tried to say something, but I couldn't really remember how to talk. I just looked at him, and then looked around. There were people everywhere and all kinds of strange things moving around. I had no idea where I was (I found out later we were in Spencers) and wanted desperately to leave this chaos and return to my clouds. I tried to look for the clouds in the store, but I couldn't find them, and everything was very distorted. The place seemed like a random hell of noises, colors, and distorted people. I eventually ended up back at the lightning bolt making machine, and just stared at it, wishing I was back in my cloud. I slowly lost track of everything again, and just kept seeing flashes of lightning. I don't know how long this went on but again, the next thing I knew, I was back in the clouds.
At first I was disoriented and scared, then I remembered the earlier foray in the clouds and was filled with an elation I had never felt before and have yet to feel again. I told myself that this was my place. This was where I belonged. And forgoing all care for the former reality I had known, I just relaxed and let myself drift with the clouds. I reflected on everything I had ever known and experienced, and was glad for it all. I felt as if this was a reward, my reward for everything I had ever done or suffered, and it was beautiful.
I stayed in that state for what felt like an eternity, almost. Then suddenly, yet again, I found myself back in my body. I was sitting in the food court across from N, holding a cup of Coke. At the moment I had no memory of where I had just been (in the clouds) or of anything except where I was right then. I tried to talk to N, and M when he came and sat down, but I couldn't really remember how again. So I sat there drinking my Coke (with difficulty) and watching people walk by in freeze frame manner (like a strobe light, but a lot slower).
M and N wanted to go see A Perfect Storm, so we headed towards the theater. I had a lot of difficulty walking, and everything was looking very strange. All the people seemed to pop in and out of reality, and everything else was shifting and moving. The ATM was tilting back and forth and sliding across the floor, almost like it was on wheels. As we got closer to the theater, this got worse. I could barely even see, just flashes of images. N told me to go up and buy my ticket and I remember telling him 'I can't take this, get it for me'. He went up towards the booth and I just stood there, trying to see, to think, wondering what was wrong.
Again, I was suddenly in the clouds. Peace overcame me again, and all my previous confusion was lost. It seemed as if 'reality' was the dream, and this was the real world, just me and the clouds. Again I settled down in the cloud and just drifted away in happiness. After a while, I noticed I could see the ground again. I couldn't recognize where I was, and the sky was still dark. This made me wonder, and I stared at the ground for a while. Then the clouds started raining. It looked beautiful, these slow graceful clouds slowly pouring tiny drops out onto this dark world. Then, somehow, I knew I myself was forming just such a drop. I had no sensation of touch or gravity or wetness, I just knew I was sliding toward the bottom of the cloud and becoming a raindrop. For a few seconds I dangled from the bottom of the cloud, swaying in a breeze that I didn't feel or hear. Then I fell. This descent wasn't scary (I skydive anyway, so Iím used to it), nor was there any sound or wind. But I did feel gravity again as I fell. I looked down and saw the mall, and I was falling towards it. As I got closer I saw a bunch of people outside milling around. Then I saw three people sitting against a concrete wall outside. Somehow my drop was steered towards one of them and fell onto his head. Instantly I was conscious in my body again. Everything was still very distorted, but I had no more confusion. M and N were sitting next to me smoking, so I lit a cigarette and just relaxed.
We then went in watch A Perfect Storm, where I had a few cool sensations. The best one was during the big wave scenes. When a wave would hit, I would lose track of the movie, and feel lost, as if I was in a big dark wave, not being able to see anything but darkness and a strange sense of motion. Then as it crested, I would pop back out of it and watch the movie again until the next wave hit. It also took me half of the movie to realize I wasn't in my room watching it. I thought just M and I were sitting on my futon watching the movie (apparently when N had tried to sit down, I wouldn't move for him, and he had to go down a few rows, though I don't remember it). Slowly the realization dawned on me there seemed to be an awful lot of people in my room, and my room seemed very big. I asked M 'Where did all these people come from', but I don't remember him answering. I also remember there was what looked like a puffball blocking my view for a while, and I would push on it and try to pat it down. It would then move and make strange noises I couldn't understand, and M would tell me to stop in a hushed voice. (turns out the 'puffball' was someoneís hair).
The most profound thing in the movie was at the end, when some bad things happen and the characters accept it (I didn't want to spoil the movie for anyone). I felt an amazing sense of empathy with them. It was a contentment that just made me very happy and, well, content.
After that we headed back to M's and just compared notes on what happened to us and relaxed for the rest of the trip.
M and N told me that almost the whole time we were in the mall (while I was in the clouds) that I wouldn't talk or really do anything. I just followed them around and really didn't respond to spoken words, just followed.
I hope this was a good example of why a 'sitter' is needed at high doses of DXM.
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