Citation: JumpingJackFlash. "A Chance: An Experience with MDMA & Alcohol (exp58472)". Erowid.org. Mar 22, 2008. erowid.org/exp/58472
'If you started in the wrong way,' I said in answer to the investigator's questions, 'everything that happened would be a proof of the conspiracy against you. It would all be self-validating, You couldn't draw a breath without knowing it was part of the plot.'
Aldous Huxley -- The doors of perception
I had been suffering from depression and paranoind delusions for a good 4 years. I was nearly put in asylum (and probably should have been). I have tried all manor or anti-depressants anti-psychotics and psychotherapy to no effect. I had finished all worldly commitments and was prepared to leave the world as I saw now future besides utter torment. Then...
I wish to tell a short story of my experience with MDMA. For some time I have known a kind of madness that few can talk about. In my youth I suffered numerous abuses, many of them self inflicted via actions, alcohol and drugs, some of them not. This is not a story of those times, but a story of the recuperation from them. In the pits of my insanity nothing could help me, the kindest word, most heartfelt care only appeared to be a deception and a pain awaiting me.
MDMA has saved me. Not by some magical cure of my mental chemistry as modern pharmacology aims. In aggregate of less than a day MDMA has shown me the fallacy of my behavior and allowed me to develop back to where I started and continue onto becoming a worthwhile person. I have taken MDMA a number of times now, and whilst always beneficial I shall now relate the best experience. By this point I had read everything there was to read on MDMA and I am sure I bored people with such theoretical knowledge.
I await a house party and sip 4 beers with people I barely know. I have one good friend (let's call him C) here who keeps me from running away with my grandiose delusions. The beer dumbs the senses and conversation flows to a degree.
I am invited to partake in some MDMA. I take a good 150mg. My good friend has bought in a large amount so measuring and money are somewhat irreverent at this point. I sit outside a room full of people who for some reason frighten me. I pick up a book off the floor : Descartes seminal work. The irony of 'I think therefore I am' should not be lost on the raver who exists without thought.
After a given time the world changes. And then again it doesn't change. The walls, the floor, the people all are identical. Yet something has changed, on much review it is I who have changed, changed not into and ogre or a god but _I_ have simply ceased to exist, yet my body and mind remain.
Nonetheless I shall attempt to give a description of MDMA. It's feels as if all my life I have been the waves and now I was the ocean. A calm that was so obviously there as to not be worthy of attention. Cannabis removes the hassles of life by creating such a fog about them as to be indecernable, yet MDMA showed all the problems in the world to me and at the same time their utter irreverence. On a physical level, tension vanished in an instant from my body, my vision widened and sharpened. All the senses became slightly strange yet familiar. As if the dust was swept off a picture. The usual jaw-grinding was of course present but of no significance.
I walk into the room that so frightened me before and am immediately greeted by a woman I barely know (let's call here EM). I hug her and such joy and relief greats me as is impossible to describe. The MDMA is now obviously flowing, yet its greatest presence is its noticeable absence. When on MDMA as I have tried to explain, NOTHING changes, all that happens is my childish, conditioned, bruised and hurtful ego is melted away. If you could consciously sit down and accept every little thing from the slighted thought to the greatest catastrophe for 5 minutes you would have ecstasy. To do such a thing is of course the aim of buddhism (if you get a chance, compare the smile of a raver with a buddhist monk).
For the next couple of hours I discuss the most painful and beautiful moments of my life with EM, or so I thought. After what seemed like days of refreshing discourse, I worry that I am 'wasting' my time with just this one person. I look down to my watch to find that 30 minutes have pasted. That appears to be a re-occurring theme of MDMA, time runs at 1/4 speed. My whole life's story is now more than 5 minutes ,-).
More MDMA is offered and I take another 100mg. This is a fairly large booster dose and is generally not recommended. I am however still slightly drunk and in this reprieve from insanity it seems like a good idea.
The party continues on and I talk to a number of interesting people. All the problems I normal experience with people/life have completely disappeared, for the first time in years I am free to be. I meet my good friend who's party this is and who has given me the MDMA. There is a good silence between us, if there was anything to said it would be understood and accepted, words are insufficient however and a smile expounds all. I would love to say that I gradually analyzed the come up of the second dose of MDMA but the disreate nature of complete bliss to more complete bliss was not my focus and I was just damm happy without distinction.
I sit with EM and my friend C. EM holds my hand for some time, the tactile sensation and emotion is almost too much, I find something else to do with my hand. I realise that I am shying away from female contact here and suddenly I realise how much of my life I have been doing so.
The sun starts to rise and I am offered another 100mg and gladly accept. The third dose seems to have less effect but it tails out nicely with the other two and I remain in a strange high/come-down state for the next 3 hours.
I am now downstairs in the courtyard and notice a huge PA system and the most amazing sound. It may have been house/hip hop/drum&bass I don't know and do not care. The sound would have grabbed me by the balls had it not found somewhere deep in my soul to latch on. I suddenly owe a thousand apologies to every person who listens to house/drum&bass which I had derided so much previously. Music resonates at a level below all opinion and conception. The beat is the beat, I am me and the ego is dead. Such freedom is ineffable.
As the beat subsides conversation emerges and I listen and smoke cigarettes. Watching people and how they act brings many realizations of my own faults and how to overcome them. A thousand psychiatrist/monkeys and a thousand sessions could not explain it so clearly. People raging about the past or wars in distant lands when they own neither time machines nor planes.
I feel somewhat drained and very tired, I head upstairs and find an unused bedroom and fall asleep on the bead.
I wake up to find myself looking into the eyes of a beutiful woman. Looking around numerous other people have fallen asleep on the bed. Living in England where even the most mundane detail is coordinated and planned, to wake up next to people who were just tired is like a kick in the bollucks(in a good way).
T+a few months
So what has this achieved? Has all the wonder disappeared? Yes. But not the wisdom. This experience was a turning point. To see just for a few hours the affects of accepting (seratonin down all neural pathways) versus the usual fear that is insanity gave me a choice. It is not an easy choice. In fact in the short term, fear and ignorance plied with alcohol and hatred will always be supreme. However if I want a way out, I must accept and LET GO. From here on I meditated to train my mind to accept(not condone) _everything_
It is now a good 6 months since this experience. I am now fully employed, I can deal with people, I have hope that grows stronger everyday. I am by no means fully sane and I'm sure most people would experience my condition as nothing but suffering. However to me, by comparison, even how far I have come so far is like arriving in heaven. People react without turning into daemons, there is no global conspiracy, I can walk down the streets without morbid fear, everyday is comparative bliss and I see no reason to stop at this.
Drugs are not the answer but insanity is worse.
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