Citation: Cosmic. "A Taste of it All: An Experience with LSD, Yerba Mate (exp58205)". Erowid.org. Jul 29, 2007. erowid.org/exp/58205
A bit of background. I have always been fascinated with psychedelic drugs. I have had extraordinary, unexplainable, beautiful, and terrifying experiences. My first experiments with LSD gave a glimpse of the depth of insight which could be obtained, as I observed that there's more to be experienced than what I had always hung onto as my own reality. When I was 19, I had my first bad trip. This would be the only one I can define as 'bad', since it included lots of yelling, fear, terror, and me being completely out of control of my own body. It was a fast trip straight to hell - a gory horror flick, and I wasn't ready. Unfortunately, I was too young to understand it, and was frightened of psychedelics for quite a few years. Still, something kept calling me to them, telling me that there was loads to be learned if I could just make friends with that awful place in my mind, and learn to move past it. It waited for me to get my head straight, to find some sort of affirmative foundation in myself, before I found myself ready again.
Eventually, I got there, and have had some really great experiences. On a more therapeutic level over the past 2 years, I've arranged a number of solo-trips - alone in my room on large doses of LSD, meditating, and going as deep as I possibly could. This was extremely beneficial, and I really began to understand just how deep things can go. It has allowed me to search my entire being inside and out. It has been a tool. These intensive inner-spelunking sessions have shown me a great deal. However, after last night, I don't know if I can learn anything more.
Claims of measured microgram dosages for LSD are usually unsupported. Quantitative measurements for LSD are very difficult to do and cannot be done casually. Without further detailed information about how the measurements were derived, it is reasonable to assume that most statements of microgram dosages of LSD on blotter or in microdots are either misinformed or overstated.]
Last night, with something around 700 micrograms of LSD, I came face to face with more than I could have ever asked for. As it came on, I grounded myself, lit candles and burned incense, and sat down cross legged. Ready. Same intrusive thoughts whirring around, annoyance. Need quiet. Hush. Focus. Dig. Find that inner light. Find it find it find it! I found it. It finally began to grow.
'I've been here before. Let's see what turns up.'
The light began to shine - a singular point, brilliantly colored, floating in deep space, translucent, reflective and covered in multicolored gemstones. My thoughts were still racing, still observing, but there was no doubt that my boundaries were dissolving fast. It expanded, like a sphere from the deepest part of me, growing around me, getting larger and larger. I came to a new realization of what true love is, and how it finds two people. Two people don't merely fall in love with each other. The love is always there. It's some kind of static film of light, always existing. Every now and then, a veil is peeled back between two people, and the light shines through it, directly through their eyes, meeting itself like a laser. When two people are in love, they are not seeing eachother. They are seeing the very source from which they came. They are allowing it to flow freely between them. Love is transhuman.
As I sat, I observed that everything around me, the noisy city, had become utterly quiet. There was either nobody around, or it was just incredibly peaceful. I listened - no police sirens, no talking, no cars. This was abnormal for a Saturday night. I had felt this before on other trips, and was convinced that the inner peace which I seemed to be emitting was somehow affecting other people in my area. Somehow, I felt that my housemates, and even my neighbors, could vibe off this energy - through the walls, through the buildings.
After all, I've seen my cats react specifically to my state of mind without me moving a muscle, so it could very well be possible. In past experiments, I would actually feel the emotions and thoughts of whoever seemed to be in my radius. I realize now how important it is to realize that the road goes both ways. I can give, but I will also receive. There have been many occasions in normal waking life when I have felt psychic transference of thought without observable physical signals. The probability of this happening is marginal and not something to discuss with too much seriousness, but I often feel that at a small enough scale, there is a physical reaction associated to every thought.
From a visual perspective, the body may not appear to broadcast any message, but it does not diffuse the existence of a receivable signal altogether. Sure, it's a marginal probability, but frankly that's how I like to roll. One thing's for sure - psychedelics are wonderfully good at diffusing skepticism.
Observing the possibility that others could somehow experience the vibrations I sent out, I began to feel a great sense of responsibility. I had to maintain it, to sit there in utter peace as long as I possibly could - to silence intrusive energy, and broadcast nothing but pure love, pure harmonious vibrations. Eventually, and quite suddenly, it got so incredibly large that I felt utterly stuck. I was completely enraptured in trance, with no escape. It was beautiful and glorious at first, and I felt highly successful at maintaining this positive state of mind - but it certainly didn't stay that way. I realized that if I were to maintain this state, I would have to encounter extremely nasty things, and still maintain the state. I realized that by breaking the state, I would break the vibe, break the mood.
'That's okay. Let's do it a little longer.'
It got bigger. I eventually felt responsible for the peacefulness of the entire city! I was being bombarded with emotions and feelings from the entire population of Philadelphia. I could feel when others were having sex, when they were smoking cigarettes, when they were laughing, crying, dancing, sweating. It all seemed to happen in waves, as if large numbers of people were doing it at the same time.
It got bigger. And bigger. Eventually, I had become the entire Earth! My body had somehow become an exact replica of the entire planet. If something was happening anywhere on this rock, I felt it in my body. I began to feel that perhaps, just perhaps, there was a possibility of an extreme synchronization of heartbeats. 'Yes, what if everyone's heart beat at the exact same time? Just once?' I focused on that. Perhaps, God willing, I could broadcast a message that could enable just one singular heartbeat of everyone on the planet to happen at the exact same time. Just one beat. There was an enormous cheer, an uprising of some primal glorious energy from deep within the Earth, and BAM! It happened.
'What a magnificent event! That sort of thing doesn't happen all the time, does it? Does it?'
It got bigger. Eventually, I had become everything that is, ever was, and ever shall be.
'My God! I can't believe it! Cosmic Consciousness? Am I really here? Well if not, I'm certainly pretty close! Oh my, I'm so proud of myself. Wait no, there is no I. There is no me. There is only everything. Everything of which I am a part of, but not apart, because I am everything and everything is me. There is no universe, for to define it as such requires something else to define it. There is only everything that is. And everything that is not. And, Oh whatever. This feels awesome. It's like an eternal neverending orgasm.'
I reveled in that for an eternity that could've possibly only happened in a matter of nanoseconds - there's no telling. Either way, it wasn't long enough, and I'd like more, please. For a bit after that, my cognitive abilities began to deteriorate, as I became overwhelmed with theories and thoughts about magical happenings. Lots of questioning and inferring things that I can't currently make sense of. For instance, at one point, I began to feel an awful pain in my right hip. It struck me violently, and I couldn't understand what it was. Something seemed to be entering me from my hipbone. It was some kind of machine. A snake-like mechanized robotic arm, penetrating my skin.
'It's the robots', I thought. 'They've finally come to take us over, and they're doing it from the inside out.'
'Roll with it,' I thought. I relaxed a bit, and, quite simply, became a machine! I had become a hulking steel mechanoid creature, and I had come to change the fate of humankind forever!
'Wow, that's a good one. I'll have to remember that. Unfortunately, it makes no sense, and kinda hurts.'
'Okay, back to the whole part about being the Earth,' I requested.
This was all nice, but I began to be confronted with some rather nasty aspects of human nature. I thought of war and politics, and the whole disgusting game played out in my head, clear as day. I witnessed this battle made flesh, as armies of men marched in perfect sync, rallying together, clashing with other armies of synchronized men. I saw that the only reason for this is to externalize the same battle of being and non-being that plays on continuously in one singular person's mind. I found it fascinating that this sort of dichotomy could play out in such a huge fashion, based on one singular problem. That millions of people could somehow lock onto the same frequency and march in perfect sequence against what they believe to be their demise.
Furthermore, I became frighteningly tempted by this. It became appealing - even juicy to me. By golly, I could control millions of people if I wanted to. I could actually
make them do what I want!
Holy shit, is this who I am? Why am I doing this? This tripping-by-myself thing, is it just some sort of method for me to flex my muscles and feel some sort of power over everything and everyone?
I thought about pop culture, and celebrities and people in the public eye seemed to be nothing but puppets controlled by some mass global mind. They seemed to have no control over themselves, and they acted only as everyone else wanted them to. Even more interesting, I thought, perhaps, there's a group of people that sit together and control all of this. If nobody really thinks for themselves, and if we're all connected, and if war and pop-culture are simply a macrocosm of mind, then there most certainly is a singular mind behind it all. Or perhaps more than one.
'I'd like to play that game,' I thought. 'That sounds sorta fun!'
I knew this was utter evil - some dark force attempting to penetrate my being, perhaps even take me over. I've seen this force before many times. It's the most hellacious looking thing I've ever witnessed, full of fire and blood and terrible things. Dark, red, firey. Everything upside down, everything pulling me down. I know this thing, I recognize it, and it doesn't frighten me anymore. I simply let it wash through me, sitting still as a rock. There's no sense in running from it - it only wants to be seen, to be recognized, and to be given a name. It's my bloodlust, my need for power, but I do not satisfy it, I don't give in, and I don't let it take control of me. I conquered this one long ago.
Still, I sink.
'If we're all connected, then we're all responsible for everything that happens. That means I'm responsible for someone who dies on the other side of the planet. I'm responsible for everyone. And everyone is responsible for me. Where's the source? The global mind? Well, if I have somehow tapped into it, and I am
the global mind, then it's all up to me.
'Holy shit. That's saying alot. That's alot of responsibility I really don't want right now. I have got to get out of this. If I'm responsible for the whole planet, then I'm also responsible for whether I live or die. I'm responsible for my own heart beating
I became aware of my heartbeat. Really aware. I think I made it stop. My heart stopped beating. Or maybe I sank into some kind of timeless eternal zone in between heartbeats. Whatever happened, I somehow popped back into my body and opened my eyes, but it seemed to take just a little too long. I thought maybe the test of how healthy you are is determined by how quickly you can snap back from a near-death experience.
'I need to exercise more,' I thought.
This was pretty frightening. I found it terribly difficult to stop slipping back into that frame of mind. I thought 'Fuck, how often to I have to affirm my own will to live - my will to exist?' Every passing moment, I realized. Every moment I make a choice to live. Every second, something somewhere deep within me makes that choice - and I just touched that. I came face to face with it.
As if I hadn't seen enough, I thought 'Well, since I'm here, I might as well go ahead and confront my own death. Yes, let's do that. I've been wanting this sort of life-review trip for a long time. The one where I come to the very edge and look death in the face, and make the choice to live. Let's do it.'
I don't know if I actually did it. I got frighteningly close. It was darkness, complete darkness. It was as if the veil of everything I know had been completely swept away, and I was staring into a black void. I simply couldn't do it. I was still afraid. I did not want to die, and I believed that if I stayed too long, I would. I don't know if this was close enough, or if I even accomplished the 'mission' - but I do know that I wasn't ready.
'This is far enough,' I thought. 'I've toyed with being and nonbeing long enough. I know who I am, I know I possess the will to live, and now I feel downright silly for questioning it.'
I rise. Finally.
'A light. There's a light down here. Way down here! There's a way back! Oh thank God!'
It wasn't a long trip back to the world of the living, but boy oh boy was I glad to be back. I remembered S, called her and told her all about it as well I could with my still-reeling mind and broken English. Her voice sent shimmering bolts of lightning through my body. I realized that not far from my will to live was S. It brought a bit of understanding about what it means to place faith and trust in someone when all hope may be lost. I made some Yerba Mate. It sent chills up my spine, and I felt alive with every sip. Mate presented itself briefly as a warm loving motherlike being that comforted me greatly and had been doing so for thousands of years. I ruminated on the idea of plants-as-entities for awhile as I smoked a cigarette, singing praises to poor old insecure never-loved-enough Miss Tobacco. I went outside and breathed the winter air, looked up at the night sky.
'Yes, life is good.'
I have to mention that through all of this, I was still as a rock. The difficult parts sound awful, but I, personally, was not reacting - in a physical sense, at least.
Finally, as things began to wear off, I realized that there I no longer have to confront my own will to live that way. I had just been to the edge of my entire being. I looked over the edge. I saw nothing. I affirmed my own will to live more directly than I could have ever thought.
After reading immensely about Ayahuasca and the nature of its life-affirming trips, I wonder. Was that it? Did I actually go there? I've wanted this trip. I've felt that I needed this trip. For myself. To understand myself. Is this it? I hesitate to say there's more, but I really don't feel the need to go that far
again anytime soon. In short - I made it back alive.
All in all, the whole thing was awesome. I wish I could've recorded it. Oh, the beauty, the drama, the suspense!
Now, I'd like another serving of that Cosmic Consciousness please!
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