Citation: Co-joe. "It Was Like a Porno Movie: An Experience with Cocaine & Various (exp57724)". Erowid.org. Sep 14, 2009. erowid.org/exp/57724
||(powder / crystals)
I was a pretty shy kid. I always knew I was really intelligent, by the time I was 10 I was able to read all my mother's (who is a doctor) medical journals and for the most part understand them.
When I first tried coke was more than a month ago during my junior year in college (age 21) with this beautiful girl who had been heavily using cocaine for years. We were having casual sex for a while without drugs but she started going broke from her addiction and the first time I bought a gram for her and we did some mediocre cocaine. I started feeling really warm (low grade fever) and checked my pulse, which had gone up from the usual 60 beats per minute to about 100. My nose started running (rhinorrhea) too. I knew exactly what was going on my brain, the effect of cocaine on dopamine and serotonin, what I didn't know was how insanely addictive it was.
She told me to strip and I was completely warm even though the window was open and it was 45 degrees outside. My mouth was dry and I had a couple of beers, it felt like the cocaine was starting to hit. My shyness completely went away. I felt unrestrained. I had possibly the roughest, and best sex of my life. I also went on for nearly an hour, which is longer than usual. I had sense enough to wear a condom too, which enforced a belief that cocaine really doesn't fuck with my head. I don't know how to precisely explain it's effect. When on cocaine I didn't feel much different like a weed high would be, just upbeat without any inhibitions.
Later on it got worse. I did half a gram that night, way too much for my first time. At first, my reasoning felt absolutely genius, I was speaking a mile a minute about metaphysics in complete clarity. After my 4th line (inch and a quarter) my reasoning went to retardation levels. I suddenly lost the ability of organized thought. I became completely mute and couldn't even form sentences in my head. Suddenly conversations between me and her went dead, and all I could utter was half formed sentenced with random grunts after. We had sex again, it took me forever to get erect, but once I was I didn't even feel like orgasming, I was bored, and it felt like forever until it was over.
I left her apartment a few minutes after. I got a cab pretty quickly (I live in NYC) and somehow got my address out of my completely disorganized head. I sent her a text saying that coke wasn't for me and she didn't call me for a week. I didn't eat or sleep for 2 days.
Even though I had no cravings, when she called me to come over a week later and to bring some coke, I stopped what I was doing and picked some up and went to her place. That night I regulated myself to just a few lines, a few beers, and chain smoking cigarettes. The night was really great and had none of the bad side effects from my first experience. I started writing poetry, which was actually very coherent and decent. I felt incredibly creative.
We did the same thing a few times after over a period of two weeks (weed during the day and coke during the night) until she finally had a really bad trip and kicked me out saying 'I'm really paranoid right now and you have to leave.' At that point it took her over a gram and a half to be satisfied (if that was even possible on cocaine) and she is a skinny girl, no more than 110 pounds. I haven't heard from her since but have heard some unconfirmed rumors that she is in rehab now. I felt no withdrawal symptoms, possibly from the weed which helped with the comedown from coke.
The next day I threw a big halloween party and did a few lines with my guy friend and 2 girls who had never done it before. Immediately after I started hooking up with one girl and my friend with the other. I told the girls to make out and they did. Then I started making out with the other girl. It was like something in a porno movie. We had a foursome that night, my friend didn't wear a condom and I did, even though I offered. I was in complete disbelief on how powerful cocaine could be. It was completely out of character for all of us and afterwards I felt really ashamed the next day.
I felt periodic, intense cravings for cocaine for about a day but talked it through with some friends and was able to get through it. I couldn't feel happy doing anything satisfying (anhedonia) during that period and was depressed beyond belief. It readily went away the day after and I was completely back to normal without any thoughts of doing it again. As a matter of fact, I swore to my friends (who haven't touched cocaine) that I wouldn't do it again. I felt pretty happy about that but had some irrational doubts about them since they never tried it and never enjoyed the greatness of coke. I didn't even want to do it because I never wanted to feel that withdrawal again.
I didn't do cocaine for nearly a month after that until right before I left for a thanksgiving trip to LA. After getting pretty drunk with my friends in NY and parted ways, I called up my friend and he hooked me up with half a gram that I did about a quarter of a gram's worth alone in my room. I did it because I get anxious before flights and actually wanted to sober up so I could think clearly. Though I did end up drinking more. Alone, I drank 1 and a half bottles wine and a few beers on coke and still felt completely sober. I felt euphoric that I had found a good dose of coke that I could enjoy and be productive: I wrote 5 poems that night and for that I felt that was enough reason to do coke alone.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until I reached the airport 2 hours later. The coke had pretty much worn off and feeling really guilty that I had broken a promise to my friends. I felt like coke could possibly control my life. I luckily stumbled through check-in and security and passed out until the plane started boarding. As soon as the plane took off I was fast asleep and didn't wake until we landed. We smoked weed the entire trip and I didn't mention coke to my friends and had a great time in LA without any feelings of withdrawal from the drug. I again attribute that to weed, which I believe helps with the comedown from coke and the withdrawal thereafter.
As soon as I got back from the red eye home I finished the coke and drank another bottle of wine at 7am. I wrote a few poems. Somehow I managed to sleep for 45 minutes just after an hour after finishing the coke. I went to class completely sober at 2pm but was intensely afraid that someone would notice that I was recently on coke. At about 8pm started getting intense cravings for the drug. At at midnight I went to an old friend's place, picked up a gram and did a few lines with him and drank a few beers. I did some weed that night and felt no withdrawal the next day (which is today as I'm writing this). Though I didn't really feel like doing it, I did 3 lines a few hours ago because it was there and just had a beer. I just wrote a few poems and decided to write this.
What to take from this:
I really do like cocaine right now, and right now I've found a way not to feel any withdrawal symptoms. But I also know this, cocaine is an evil, evil drug. Even without the bad withdrawal effects and intense cravings I still did it. Do you know how crazy that is? I'm going to say this again, I did it for no reason. And addiction is by definition completely irrational. Cocaine is intensely powerful and its effect completely subtle. Right now I am doing well with coke, very productive, very happy, but I know if I keep on doing it I will become completely addicted. I've decided that I won't do coke alone again. And Christmas break will be the end all for me with coke for a few reasons, I know I will do it if it is available and my best friend and only coke dealer I know is graduating and moving back to Korea at the end of December, so I've decided to enjoy my time with him (I will probably never see him again) and than end it for good.
I really hope that I will keep this promise to myself. I also know that right now I'm not addicted, but I'm on a slippery slope. Maybe the reason why I'm not stopping now is because I really do like to test myself, but I know in the back of my head that I just don't want to feel that terrible withdrawal again. Unfortunately, I will feel that when I go home for Christmas because of the above reason about my friend/dealer leaving and because my parents live in bumblefuck with almost no possible way of ever getting cocaine. And I simply cannot afford to even remotely have the possibility to feel that terrible experience during these last few weeks of the semester and fuck up my finals. I hope the month I get off from school in a provincial town will allow me a fresh start.
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