Anger, Rage, Confusion, Depression...
Citation: MsBritney. "Anger, Rage, Confusion, Depression...: An Experience with Methamphetamine (exp57547)". Erowid.org. Jun 8, 2009. erowid.org/exp/57547
I swear this plastic smile you all see is getting so fucking old. I don't fucking understand myself. I don't understand life. I don't understand the world. I'm hurt, I'm angry, upset, and most definitely, confused. I don't know how to cry anymore... I don't know how to talk. .. I feel so alone in this over-populated, crazy world we live in.
God, I know you're out there.. I know I haven't come to you (and probably should). Fuckin' life is so stressful... I strive for perfection, and it's yet to come. I have ABSOLUTELY no interest in continuing anything I've begun...
Is life one of your fun little experiments to test the human form? To ensure that our neurologically-advanced brains are capable of destructing what you've created? To put temptations on this fucking earth and watch us give in? But wait.. it cant just be something that we make a mistake with once - it has to be a never-ending mistake... something we cant run away from... something we feel chained to - something that is physically capable of changing our own brain chemistry - tricking us into thinking it's the only thing that will make us happy. Is it really a trick? Or is it actually possible that I may never be able to express feelings again - because I've polluted passages in my brain that make it possible for me to laugh, and cry, and feel pain .... ?
How can someone be so fuckin' blind? I offered information. I'm CRYING out for help! Can't he hear me???? I've become numb to his love. I don't know how to accept it anymore. My personality is a monotone... a grey-ish blur. I've put up a wall to detour criticism, and ensure I'm not vulnerable to the comments I'm just waiting to hear. .. but my wall has grown so tall, I don't think I'm capable of climbing over it anymore. You don't deserve me. You deserve someone who wont lie to your face, and hide things from you. You deserve someone with stability and self-control - not me.
I look in the mirror and see someone I never expected I'd see again. She's hurt.. She's in pain.. but why is she the only one capable of comprehending that??? Every other temptation in this world, I can experiment with a few times, and literally walk away from it like it never happened... but this one - it's the FUCKING DEVIL! It's swallowed my soul - but worse - I'm still alive. I'm here watching my own body deteriorate to nothing... My insecurities are eating me alive!... There's a thin line between sane and crazy ... a thin white line of microscopic crystals.
I still have self-realization. I still know what I'm doing - maybe it's not too late to end this self-destruction ... ?
I've been up for days, and have accomplished NOTHING.
I wish I had never given in again. It had been two years.... TWO FUCKING YEARS! And then, one day, the DEVIL came knocking at my door, and of course I had to let him in. It's not self-experimentation anymore - it's self-mutilation. My face is covered in (what looks like) a bad breakout. My teeth hurt, my nose is scabbed inside, and my bones ache like those of an 80 year old. - The only good news is that I fit into a size 0 again...
It's only been a day off of the shit, and I'm having the worst withdrawals EVER! I'm angry, saddened, unhealthy, pissed... and SO DAMN CONFUSED!... I'm fucking rambling. - I'll continue this another day...
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