Citation: Learner. "Madam I AM Dogman, Fridge Spirit: An Experience with Morning Glory (exp57515)". Erowid.org. Jun 21, 2007. erowid.org/exp/57515
This is the true story of events that never occurred, written by the one who witnessed it all happen:
Here is the message I received from the one whom we (who are not all that real) refer to as “Morning Glory (Heavenly Blue).” (Paraphrased)
“I have been alive for centuries, millennia—I am millions of years old. I have witnessed the bloom of animal life, its near failure and revival. I witnessed the arrival of humans. You are welcome to my knowledge. But do not pick my daughters before they are ripe. It is an intrusion along the lines of rape. It violates both them and me as at that stage we are still united, the umbilical chord of our consciousness not yet severed. They are me and I them, and when you cut them off and use them to find me, and all I have to offer you, you hurt us and so hurt yourself as well. Nevertheless, do not be angry at yourself of upset or even remorseful. As I said, I’ve been around for millions of years, an elegant, beautiful vine twining not only through the branches of trees, but through the branches of time and life itself. You are welcomed to my life and to know and share with my existence, my being. But as you can tell by the pain in your body, the cost of knowledge and union with me does exist. And you should also know this: your real job as a human being is to love what presents itself to your limited awareness, and not to try to increase your awareness. As you enter into the ability to love what is presented to your limited consciousness, when you really can love that which is as you can perceive it, then your consciousness will automatically open to perceive more depth and more life within what before seemed dead, empty and mundane.
So search not for knowledge, but seek to love. Knowledge will follow—no mere scientific, word and math knowledge, but true knowledge, the kind that cannot be spoken, but simply experienced, known and loved—the very kind you were seeking when you chose to eat my un-ripened daughters. Your sought knowledge, when you should have been seeking to love, but it does not matter. You can love the experience of seeing more than you will be able to truly love at depth.
I have a message for you from the One Who is greater than me:
“Some call Me God. Some Yahweh. Some call me the blinding white light of evolution. I don’t much care what people call me, the fact is that everyone deep inside knows that I AM. And even if a person thinks that I do not exist, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t negate the fact that I do exist, that I AM.
I am LIFE ITSELF, the life within all life. The Life within you, the Life within Madam Morning Glory. I am all consciousness. I am magic. I am beyond description and comprehension, but to know me best think of this: From the beginning of the temporal universe until the dawn of your limited consciousness, a long series of events occurred. In each event, the key factor was the binding of equals to create something more grand, fundamentally more living than the pieces separated. Quark with Quark, Atom with Atom, Molecule with Molecule, Amino Acid with Amino Acid, DNA with DNA, cell with cell, organism with organism, ecosystem with ecosystem.
Think of your own lovely body in fact. All those cells working endlessly, selflessly, smoothly, all united for the sole purpose that you might enjoy a little consciousness. Don’t presume your cells individually and as a collective whole don’t share in some sort of consciousness simply because you do not experience or witness it first hand. On the contrary, those cells have made the leap of letting go of individual needs for the sake of the common good. That common good results in you.
Now it is time for the humans to wake up to this endless pattern and voluntarily submit yourselves to the pattern. I, and no one else, will ever force you or any human to give up selfhood for the sake of a common human goodness, a community of love and harmony not only with one another but with all of My creations, my Beings, Me manifestations. It is not My style to force anything. But I invite you, all of you humans, to try. It is lovely, as you already know having felt some measure of the power and magnitude and transcendental nature of love. That’s Me in a figurative nutshell—union and integrity of “lesser” things which results in the creation of “greater” things. But here’s a secret, it isn’t size that matters. The “lesser”ness of a thing has nothing to do with it’s place in this Jacob’s ladder of Life, but it’s separation from the whole and lack of union with its peers.
Feeling separated from the Big Answers, from Awe, from Meaning, from Life and Love? The solution is to practice (as Madam Morning Glory, a Beautiful Woman indeed, I must say—an exquisite vessel and contributor to the “AM”ness that is Me, as she already said) not to search out for the answers, but to love what is, as it is presented to your consciousness. Your consciousness is limited for a reason. We don’t want you seeing more than you are capable of loving. What’s the point in that. Once you learn to love the little spot of consciousness real-estate you’ve been given, then you’ll find that thing begin to broaden, open up and deepen out.
OK now, you enjoy this little trip—you will be seeing more than you can handle, and what I mean by that is more than you have the capacity to appreciate and love, but at least appreciate the fact that you can’t appreciate it all. Toodles. Oh, and remember this, I’m the one who arranged for this little meeting between you and Madam Morning Glory, that is Me as I present My AM-ness in her. Again, what a lovely lady.”
Admittedly, I had to paraphrase quite a bit seeing as most of the message was in a non-verbal format. I had been assigned to mix the contents of about 100 unripe seed pods into a wine-purified water mixture. I blended them in the blender. The brew rested in a wine bottle in a cabinet under the sink for four days. I asked my wife if she prefer I consume them now (the third Sunday night of November, 2006) or consume them later during the day when I could take a hike around in nature. She preferred I ingest it now (then). So I did.
The effects were almost immediate—strobing light, spacey, drifty consciousness. But nothing too dramatic. I ingested the brew slowly over the course of about 2 hours. When I got to the part where lots of bits and chunks were entering my mouth, I already felt extreme body load and decided to leave it off at that.
The lights became annoyingly bright, and as my wife talked away to me about her day I turned all but one dim light off. Then she went to sleep. I lay there in a very high amount of bodily pain—muscle tension and nausea. I began to sense a conversation taking place between the brain and the body—they were trying to decide how to deal with all the bodily pain. I found that I felt sympathy for my body, seeing as it didn’t really choose this, more the brain chose it in a lust for knowledge and experience. So I invited the pain into the brain. Instantly my body felt extreme calm, and deep peace, but my brain felt like electric sparks were zapping it. My consciousness was in between the two, but more in the body I’d say. Soon the body, or maybe consciousness, or both, or maybe they are parts of the same thing anyways, anyway, soon we began to feel worried about what was happening to the brain while we were down here relaxing, so we invited the pain back into the body, and again the muscles were all seized up and tense. It was nice to see how much my body and brain love each other. I think that has come to be as a result of focused meditation on appreciating all that is, including body and brain and all of reality.
Anyway, my consciousness begins to drift away. It is really difficult to know in what order these segments of “trips” away from normal body/brain consciousness occurred. None of them were long, as consciousness was constantly being brought back to the pain in the body.
One thing that was very unusual about this experience was that the whole time I was tripping, I was strangely aware of “me” still being present. In the past, “me” in a large part has been gone from the experience. Part of what I enjoy about tripping is the temporary disengagement from “me” ness. But in this case, though I was tripping much more far out there stuff than I have in the past, there “me” was watching it all. The effect was to be half tripping and half sober. Which in itself is trippy. The other affect was that I never felt any fear of getting too far out there or insane. I was somehow bridging the trip world and the normal consciousness world and was in both at that same time. Maybe it has to do with the cooperation my body and brain had worked out in dealing with Madam Morning Glory twining her reality through my aching neurons and blood vessels.
Anyway, one of the longest and most profound trip segments was that my consciousness melded with an old “friend” from years ago and of whom I seldom think. We were neighbors. He came from a terribly messed up and dysfunctional home. In the end the family split apart. All the kids were traumatized badly and the father has absolutely no interest in them. The mother is neurotic to the extreme, bordering on insane.
He entered into my consciousness and told me his life story. This is what he said (again I paraphrase because the communication was non-verbal).
“I am a real-live were-wolf. Half dog, half man. I got this way because my mother is a dog. When she was young she was abused and raped. She was just a child, her mind was like a little puppy, eager to please and not really understanding anything. Her consciousness got stuck and she came to associate herself with animals. This is why my mother loves dogs and has so many dogs at her home all the time. She has sympathy with them, because she feels like she is one of them.
My father wanted to have sex with that dog, my mother. He didn’t really love her, never did. He screwed her and so sired us. But he wasn’t interested in being married to a dog. Nor was he interested in fostering my mother in such a way that she could evolve to become a human. So he left her. And us.
Now all my life I’ve been half man and half dog. Human consciousness is a cruel thing to give to a dog. The poor dog just knows that it isn’t really human. This is why I’ve never been able to fit in, to make friends, to find my niche in the world of human interaction and love. I was only half human. I tried. I tried to fit in. It was just a façade. Even though I did have some friends, the connection was surface. I couldn’t bring those friendships down to the core of my being, my dogness. Nobody could have handled it. So I learned to live alone. I sought God like a dog howls at the moon. I learned all I could about God. I even loved and believed in God. I know God is real. I love God and I know God loves me. But that doesn’t solve the dog problem. Only human connection, human love could help me in that department. But after all these years of life, I’ve never been able to find a person who would accept me in.”
At this point, I felt him requesting that I permanently adopt his being into mine. I felt almost like it was too late for me to say “no” that he had somehow taken up permanent residency in my consciousness and we’d be permanently bound together. I didn’t want to be him or have him become me, but I also didn’t want to reject him in his most vulnerable state.
He didn’t communicate any of this in a “woe-is-me” way. But obviously he was filled with deep sorrow. And just like a dog hoping to be allowed to come into the bed, he was hoping I’d invite him to share my consciousness. I prayed for him and his well-being at that point, and also prayed that I not have permanent welded consciousness with him.
Then he said,
“OK, here’s what’s going to happen. You’ll write out this, my story and lay me naked for all to see. You’ll hang me on the cross of words and paper because its easier for you than being my friend and because you get a power rush. But it’s OK, because I want you, no I ask, and have already asked you to do this. You play Judas, I’ll play Jesus. And then, I will commit suicide. But finally my life will have meaning and integration with human society. Because in the book that you write about me, you will expose the world to what it is like to be me and finally people will love me. But my body will be gone. So you will have pushed me to the edge and killed me, but you will have also saved me. We did the deed of my death and resurrection together, just like Judas and Jesus did the deed together. After death when Judas and Jesus met, they smiled and embraced one another, for they both knew this: Judas so loved Jesus that he allowed himself to fulfill the ugliest of tasks, the betrayal, but only because Jesus had requested it of him. Likewise, Jesus knew that in asking Judas to do such a heinous crime, He was betraying Judas. And yet, it was worthwhile and necessary because Judas was redeemed by the fact that it was the will of Jesus that caused it. So Judas and Jesus both killed and saved each other.”
I don’t know if I will write the book about his life. But I will try to find his email and start trying to befriend him. I can’t save him. But I can be a friend.
At some point I went down to the kitchen and I could hear spirits moaning and laboring away inside the machinery of the fridge. I wondered if I were really hearing spirits in a machine, or if I was just delusional, “just tripping”. I unplugged the fridge and I seemed to sense that the spirits were relieved to be free from their mindless labor. I saw an ant/ants crawling on the floor. I tried to connect with the ant’s consciousness. I failed, but it did reveal this to me: ants don’t have singular consciousness, but their whole colony share a single consciousness. The death of an ant, then, is like the death of a neuron in the human brain. I did get a brief sense of what it was like to be an ant colony, but it was not that pleasant, so I back out that door.
The whole trip revealed itself with doors. I saw hundreds more doors than I had time to enter. And many of the doors I did enter, I stayed but briefly. At one time, I sense that I could have gone down a scary dark hall and been terrified without any recourse to resume happy consciousness, but for obvious reasons I didn’t choose to go down there. Just seeing the possibility was scary. When I say “doors” I am using a metaphor. I didn’t hallucinate doors or anything. I just saw pathways were available. Many times I was invited to play with vision, but I never felt like going there either. I didn’t want a visual trip. I wanted a depth-trip, a spirit trip, and I’d say I got just what I was hoping for.
I felt like my lungs were greatly increased in size, like with any single breath I was scooping in ten gallons of air. The “spirits in the fridge” door was one that I’d love to explore more, but it was scary. It is scary to think that we are abusing some sort of consciousness just so we can have cold food. And of course if it’s true for the fridge, it’s true for all machinery. “Love what is rather than try to manipulate or change what is. Love what is, rather than seek more knowledge, and knowledge will come.”
Many of the doors available to me, I didn’t enter because I knew that I would be betraying the entire message of the trip—to love what is and not seek more knowledge that what I can love. For example, the spirits in the fridge. I am simply not ready to do away with all machinery from my life. I can’t love the fact that machines are an abuse of spirit of I AM-ness enough to divorce myself from any machinery or appliance. So I knew I couldn’t look into the “spirit in the fridge” door without basically raping the knowledge. I didn’t love that knowledge in an honoring husbandly way, but a curious teen who wants to score way. The knowledge was to great for my version of limited consciousness.
So I heard the spirits in the fridge sigh relief and I told them good-night. But I didn’t really want to hear anymore from them because I wouldn’t have been able to honor the message they wanted to share. This morning, I turned the fridge back on! With my dog-man friend, I can reach out and try to show him some human love. But with a machine…
At some point I heard a large crowd of spirits, but I was so sure that I couldn’t honor their message that I didn’t give that train of consciousness anytime at all. I am not ready to make friends and serve all the hungry ghosts out there. I have enough challenges relating to people still in the flesh.
Then there was the segment in which Madam Morning Glory and I AM talked to me. That was gracious of them. They were very kind to me, especially seeing as I had invade this reality without being properly invited.
Several times I was offered the opportunity to alter reality permanently. I was told that I was now God and could reset the controls of reality, so, what did I want to do. Each time I said, “I love everything just as it is, I choose to change nothing.” I think that I am only given the chance to change things when my answer is sure to be that I’d change nothing. I think that truly is God consciousness—power to alter everything, but the choice to love and embrace everything as it is rather than alter it according to personal taste. So when I was told, “You are now God, what do you want to do?” I know that I am not God, but I think the point was that here’s what the I AM consciousness feels like –absolute acceptance and love for all that is as it is, including nosy humans who seek too much knowledge and butt their way into the behind-the-scenes aspects of consciousness and reality. When my dog-man friend told me that he was Jesus, and I’d play Judas, but actually we’d both be Judas and we’d also be Jesus, I think that’s what he was saying. He was saying that he’d seen all of reality and had received every last insult and injury possible. But he still embraced life as something valuable. He embraced reality with acceptance and love. He had gained I AM consciousness—well, a micro-version of it anyways, just like I was given to feel. I am glad I didn’t choose to change anything. I think that to do so might have meant insanity or at least one step closer to insanity.
Another very interesting thing, and this is that last that I will share here, is that at some point I looked into the mirror. I had previously looked in a mirror whilst Madam Morning Glory was inside of me in a previous trip. Both times my image seemed to be constantly warping and changing, but the way in which it was doing so the first time and this time were very different. The first time, my face was warping in a visual way, though related to my thoughts. I looked dreadful most of the time, but I just kept looking and accepting that I am who I am with love and I kept recalling that my real job is to love people, especially my wife. So no mater how warped, ugly or messed up I am, if I stick to the goal of loving others, especially my wife, it didn’t matter. That ugly warpedness would be put to the good use of blessing another human with love and happiness.
But this time, when I looked into the mirror, I saw my image warp as to fundamental content. It was like I was looking at my spirit as reflected in the body, but my spirit was currently “terrapin station” and all kinds of things were flowing through it (including dog-man friend) and as each spiritual entity flowed in, my image would change, and it would change in an infinite regress from mirror back to my eyes which would then enforce it’s presence in my mind and further effect its presence in my spirit and so further effect change in the image I saw and so on forever. It was a little too wiggy for me so I stopped looking at the mirror. I didn’t want dog-man to get permanently welded into my consciousness.
OK, one last thing, I promise. All my senses were highly amplified. Vision and hearing, but also smell. What the day before had smelled faintly of apples, this night, when in the kitchen and after having released the fridge spirits from duty at least until morning, I drew near the apple basket on the table. It was reeking badly of insecticide. The stench was undeniable. It made me realize this: “The reason pesticides work is that the bugs smell the poison and stay away from the apples. If only humans were so smart!” Again, I had gained more knowledge than I could truly love because the following morning, I gave the apples to my kids to eat warning them to please wash them well. But of course, the pesticide surely is soaked within the apple as well. But this much is true, I’ll be buying oranges and not apples from now on.
If only we could let go of our addiction to modern commodity, and just learn to love beautiful Mother Nature and Father I AM as they are and as we are. We don’t need phones or fridges. If we learned to love reality fully, I know we’d be able to communicate, just as my dog-man friend did with me. We don’t need pesticide, the plants themselves would help us and the bugs if we just learned to love and from that love we’d gain the ability to communicate with the consciousness inherent in all life.
All of what I described happened in a more subtle way than words can convey. It was a bit like imagination. As I said, I was tripping, but there was half of me not tripping. I could have chosen to describe these events as “then I felt weird” but I choose to believe that what I “imagined” was more real than the limited consciousness I usually am given to know. This is why, at the beginning I mentioned that what happened didn’t take place. It all was real, but the one here typing, trying to communicate the experience isn’t real enough to hold all that occurred. I can only love and learn from a fraction of what was revealed and a fraction of a fraction of what was potentially awaiting behind all those doors. So while “it” was real, when it comes through me, what comes through me isn’t “it” and so isn’t real. That was closer to sanity, but when it filters through my normal consciousness, which is more insane, the sanity of the trip ends up seeming like insanity. What was nice about this trip was that I could be aware of both versions of reality simultaneously.
But hopefully, I am a little more real, that is, a little more loving, than I was before Madam Morning Glory and I AM told me how much they loved me.
One day at a time, moment by moment, accepting and embracing reality and human limitation and folly as is with love.
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Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.