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Scary, But Controllable
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Chroma the Great
Citation:   Chroma the Great. "Scary, But Controllable: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp57409)". Erowid.org. Nov 15, 2006. erowid.org/exp/57409

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
3 tablets oral MDMA
  T+ 4:00 4 tablets oral MDMA

BODY WEIGHT: 275 lb


Background:
When I started college this fall, I had done my share of pot, and shrooms about 20-30 times. After quitting drugs for a while, I thought I would be better off without it, and to try and be sober for a bit. Several people had tried to get me to do E on occasion, but I didn't want to because it was too 'processed' and not 'natural' enough. However, In my first month and a half of college, I rolled about 5 times. I loved it. I never had a bad come-down, and the only side effect I felt was a general sense of well-being for a day or two after.

The Trip in Question:
I was all geared to roll on Halloween, but my friend couldn't find any, and I was fiending for some E real bad for the next week or so. Finally, he called and said that he found some, and that we were rolling that night. I cleared my schedule for that day and the next, compiled a playlist of some great psytrance music, and I was really shaking with anticipation. Apparently these pills were out of this world. When my friend got in, he handed me a little blue bag with 4 white pills, and a red bag with 3 yellow ones. He told me I could just take two and be fine, and that these should last me a good while. I went into the bathroom, got some water, and took two white ones and a yellow one. This was about 8:30. I'm a big guy, so it took a while for the pills to kick in, nearly 2 hours. I was riding down the elevator, and right as it reached the bottom floor, I felt a rush all over my body. I started to hiss, because the distinctive noise of hissing sounds different when I'm tripping, and I use it as a gauge to test if I'm peaking or not. I WAS.

I walked outside and saw a bunch of my friends smoking. I lit up and thought how wonderful it was that we were all together participating in this activity, etc. I hugged them all and told them I loved them. Then I went into the woods to dance for a couple of hours. So blah blah blah, I was rolling really hard when two of my friends who were also rolling found me and told me we were going to their friends' dorm, over this hill. We rested at the top of the hill and they smoked a joint or two. I don't smoke pot, so they suggested I take another pill so I wouldn't feel left out. Normally, I would have said no, because I wanted to make these pills last, but I wanted to participate and to make them happy. I took one more pill, but looking at the others in the bag, for some reason I thought it would be a nice gesture to take them all. I don't really know why, but it seemed like a great idea at the time. I took the other three pills with it, and we walked down the hill to my friend's dorm. I dropped back so I could listen to my music, and feel the cosmic pulse of the earth. I was listening to Vibe Tribe, by the way, and I would completely reccomend it. They are amazing, even off drugs.

We got to the dorm, and went inside. I sat down on the couch and took off my headphones. For some reason, over the next 30 minutes or so, I felt really really hot, even though I was drinking water, and I was slightly annoyed that I had to stop listening to music, annoyed that the room reeked of pot, annoyed that they pulled me away from rolling in the woods, etc. I was annoyed, but I couldn't stop smiling or convey that to anyone. I would just laugh or say, 'It's nothing, don't worry.' I got really claustrophobic and I felt like they wanted me to leave because they were busy with something. Nobody was talking, and I thought they were all thinking about how I was in their way all the time. I didn't want to talk to them, so I got up right away and left. Immediately I felt lost in the dorm. I couldn't remember just leaving the room, and I didn't know how to leave.

There was a girl sitting on a couch, reading. I wanted to ask her how to get out, and it didn't seem difficult at the time, but I approached her very slowly and cautiously. This must have kind of freaked her out, and who could blame her, but she got up and walked away, ignoring me. I felt horrible, but at the same time, I thought it was funny. I can't really describe having the two feelings at once. In my heart I knew I was being weird but my mind wouldn't listen to it. It was trying to pull me back into the trip.

I finally found the door and went outside. I smoked a cigarette and tried to walk around and calm down. I put my music back on, but whenever I had my headphones on, I was overwhelmed with a feeling that there was someone standing right behind me. They weren't going to hurt me or anything, but I kept snatching my headphones off and spinning around, to see them. This made me uncomfortable because I wanted to just calm down and enjoy the trip. When I got outside, I also started scratching my body all over for some reason. I didn't itch, I didn't feel bugs, I just HAD to. I was starting to freak out now, so I crossed the quad and sat down on a bench. I was very upset that I couldn't let go and have a good time. I saw a deer out of the corner of my eye, but it was too dark to really make out. It's legs were moving back and forth very slowly, but it's body was motionless. It was almost like it was on ice, and sliding around, but in slow motion.

I couldn't stop moving my fingers, and nothing seemed like the right thing to do. I was always forgetting something, or leaving something behind. I tried to go back inside several times, but I kept going back across the grass again, combing it, looking for a pen or something that I thought I dropped. My mind was constantly preoccupied and I couldn't enjoy anything. It was almost like freaking out on shrooms, seeing shadows and whatnot out of the corner of my eye. The difference was that I could calm myself down very easily. I could look up at the moon and be infinitely happy. Then, when I looked back down, I was in a strange place again. Four hours later, my friends came looking for me and found me, rocking back and forth on a bench outside, laughing. I was laughing, but I was not happy. It started to wear off then, and we went back home. I didn't sleep that night, and was up the next day wondering why I took those extra 4 pills. I slept fine the next night, and I feel great now.

The whole experience was one of anxiety, and very little freedom. I would reccomend to everyone out there to not overdo it with any drug, and make sure you are around someone who is not tripping. Also, trust your instincts and communicate with someone how you are doing if you feel uncomfortable. I was very aware of the fact that I didn't feel love from anyone around me and that it was affecting my trip. I will definitely do E again, but I will make sure the setting is better, and I will never take that many pills again. Respect the drug, and respect yourself.

Release the Pressure :)

Exp Year: 2006ExpID: 57409
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Nov 15, 2006Views: 13,793
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MDMA (3) : Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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