Citation: Learner. "Spiritual Love is the Door to Meaning: An Experience with Morning Glory (Heavenly Blue) (exp57080)". Erowid.org. May 19, 2008. erowid.org/exp/57080
I picked about 70-80 full-sized, but not fully matured pods from the heavenly blue morning glory plant growing in my yard, equivalent to about 280-320 seeds once matured. Removing the seed-pod husk, I put the inner white-and-green pulp into a blender with about 80ml pinot noir wine, and 80ml purified water and amala (a small, very sour fruit, I added this to make the potion more acidic). I blended it well and then let it sit for about three or four hours, shaking occasionally.
At 11:15AM I drank half of the brew. It actually tasted good. I drove my motorcycle to a wonderful area of wooded, hilly wilderness with great views. I began to hike at around 11:45 and was feeling sort of spacey. I felt some pain in my legs and slight nausea. At 12:15 I drank the rest of the brew, which included all the solid matter at the bottom. The spacey feeling and nausea were increasing, but the nausea was not nearly as bad as it had been in other attempts with these seeds. The leg pain was also less. I remember early on, at about 1PM establishing that the best relationship I can have with reality around me and the Creator who provides it all is one of acceptance and trust. That was valuable, but that is something Iíve thought about a lot and already firmly believed in anyway.
By 1:30, not much more was happening and I was feeling frustrated. I felt confused and a general discomfort. It felt very similar to having a high feveróbody discomfort and scattered thinking. Many years ago I did LSD once and it was one of the most beautiful and awesome (literally) experiences Iíve ever had. I was hoping for something like that ó where everything danced with wonder and love and I was one with everything. But this was different. In fact, I felt sort of detached from everything. Things seemed dead, meaningless. By 2 PM and I was ready to write the experience off as useless.
There was a fork in the trail and at first I tried to take the harder more dangerous route. Before long, I returned and took the easier, more trodden route. And here the first great insight came: I donít need to save the world. I donít need to accomplish anything to be a valuable human being. None of us do. We are valuable regardless of what we do or donít do. We are loved and lovable no matter what path we take or donít take. A song on this subject began to flow in my heart and I let myself sing out loud as nobody was around anyways.
I continued on to the peak of the hill/mountain. And I then thought about my wife. I knelt down and prayed for her, though even the idea of God, which usually is very real to me, seemed sort of meaningless, as did physical reality around me. Then I just meditated on her. I suddenly began to weep as I felt all of her bottled up fears and sorrows. I wept a long time and I wept hard. I stopped occasionally, but then would feel that there was more weeping to be done and would begin to weep again. I let it out vocally and moaned. I wasnít crying for myself, but for her. I felt her pain. It was real. It was powerful.
From that point on, I stayed and steadied my mind on her. As everything else -- physical reality and the idea of God -- was fading into less and less meaning, finally found the thing that was real: my love and devotion to my wife. I was tempted to follow all kinds of philosophical trains of thoughts which I do a lot anyways, but I didnít want to. I just wanted to hold my wife in my mind. I just kept inviting her to experience reality with me as I touched a rock, sat on the grass, looked at the trees and the sky etc. I felt her mind become as one with mine. We were one in spirit, though she was not near me bodily, nor did she take the seeds or know that I had taken them. Our love became the window through which I could look at reality and understand its meaning and purpose. Our love made everything new and alive.
Suddenly, I was in Eden with my Eve, though she wasnít with my physically. My ambitions had been keeping me emotionally distant from her. And my fear of her pain and her emotions too had been keeping me distant from her. First, the need to succeed was stripped from me and I saw that success isnít where the value of human beings lie. Then, my fear of emotional intimacy with my wife was stripped away and she became one with my consciousness. And then, in the context of our union, the world was suddenly alive and wonderful and amazing beyond words. It was like all of creation was a playground, a representation of our spiritual union.
I saw all kinds of vortexes and patterns in the sky, dancing like the portal to heaven. I saw the trees melt and breathe. The visuals were very beautiful and meaningful. But what was important was the inner connection with my wife. It was this that made the experience of everything else laden with meaning. And even more important was my renewed dedication and determination to love her and focus on her as she deserves, to not be afraid of her negative emotions, to not demand of myself grand successes, but to just love those around me, especially my wife.
I knew that I would eventually return to more mundane, less clear, more selfish way of thinking. And I didnít look forward to it. But itís been almost two weeks now and my life is still different. I used to struggle with lust in a major way. But now, when a temptation arises, I just recall the truth I learned while on MG seeds, which is that my emotional/spiritual connection to my wife is the most important aspect of my life, consciousness and reality. Only in context to my spiritual connection to her does anything else have any value or meaning. I invite her to be a part of my consciousness and the temptation to lust just fades away and disappears.
I had no idea that this is what the Creator had intended me to learn when I ingested the seeds. But I couldnít have asked for, or even imagined anything nearly as valuable and good. It was one of the most beautiful, awesome, blessed and spiritual experiences Iíve ever known. The temptation is to think that more drug experiences will bring even more good to my life. But, the MG seeds were just the teacher. I know I must learn to really believe and live out the lesson I learned before Iím ready for the next lesson. What good is learning a bunch if I canít make it real in my life. So Iím going to keep focusing on this lesson until I know it is truly a permanent part of me before I delve into the magic world of MG or other drugs for the next lesson. I expect that this will take at least six months. The proof will be continuing peace and freedom from lust.
It is now almost four weeks since I ate the morning glory seeds. A week ago, I began to really long for the amazing experience again. I even brewed up some more, this time more potent. But during my morning meditation (I meditate every day) I realized that I had been obsessing about the beauty and wonder of the experience of the seeds more than I was focusing on what the experience had taught meóto focus on loving and devoting myself to my wife and other peopleís well-being. So it was a very hard decision, but I believe the right one, I poured the potion down the drain. If I had taken the seeds again, Iíd have been lying to my wife by sneaking off to do drugs behind her back. I also would have betrayed the real lesson that had been communicated by the first experience on the seeds, thus nullifying any value in the first lesson or the one I might have had with the second brew.
In summary, psychedelic drugs in my mind do have value. They can teach us new ways of living. But the experience itself is often so wonderful and awesome beyond words, that the danger is we end up seeking the pleasure of the experience over the value, the meaning and lesson of the experience. When I take these substances and have an experience I can interpret it one of two ways: 1) a chemical made me feel, think and believe strange things for a while, or 2) a chemical changed my brain for a while in such a way that I was opened to deep spiritual truths. If I keep using drugs in a careless, or over-frequent way, than I am proving by my very actions that I donít believe the messages of the experience to be real. I am simply seeking the pleasure. But if I take the lesson of the experience and force myself to start practicing it in my more mundane, uninspired, unaltered state of mind, than I am proving by my very actions that I do value the lesson of the drugs and so value the drugs as they deserve to be valued.
Even now, I long for the wondrous experience of having my consciousness united to my wifeís and from this union united to all of reality as well. It was exceedingly beautiful. But I know I need to practice making this kind of union real through my everyday living and thinking. I need to take actions that show her I love her. I need to think not on lust, but about her well-being. I need to obsess not about taking more psychedelic drugs so I can feel at one with her and reality, but start acting in a way the proves I believe this inner union is ultimately real and that I can awaken (gradually) to its reality without the aid of a chemical.
The seeds did cause a lot of body discomfort including nausea and twelve hours of muscle pain in my case. LSD was so free ó no physical discomfort at all (in my case). So while I donít enjoy pain or nausea at all, I think it is the Creatorís way of reminding us to use these teachers with care and respect. LSD, a synthetic drug, was like turning on a switch to spiritual reality and it didnít not have the same ďsecurity guard.Ē MG seeds was like having to climb up through physical pain, psychological issues and spiritual problems before entering into the realm where true spiritual reality is witnessed ó the unity of all things by means of love.
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