Citation: Blondegirl. "The Devil and God Were Pulling at My Soul: An Experience with Cannabis & Alcohol (exp56870)". Erowid.org. Sep 9, 2009. erowid.org/exp/56870
Alright this is probably pathetic to people who are use to drugs and trips but my experience was by far the worst thing I have ever had to endure in my life. I have never really been big into smoking but I have done it plenty of times in moderation and have always had positive 'happy' effects, but since I'm a light weight its always kind of a risk for me to do too much. I had one experience prior where I had seizure like symptoms and swore from that point on never to touch the stuff again.
So the story begins. I was hanging out with friends and consumed about 3 beers (woo hoo) and asked to hit the bong (which I've never smoked other than joints and bowls so I don’t know if that gives any explanation) just for old times sake. I hit it what I believe to be only 2 or 3 more times when I finally started feeling very happy. I went up to my friends mom and hugged her and told her I loved her which everyone got a big kick out of. Then sitting down on my friends lap I started feeling that things weren’t quite right. I wanted to slip away from everyone but I kept thinking “no they’ll be like what the hell are you doing and start laughing at me” but I kept being pulled away. Then everyone started looking at me which I definitely didn’t want which put me into a deep sense of paranoia. I then slipped off my friends lap feeling like a ton of lead and laid on the ground.
At first I didn’t know what to think. What was going on? Then a voice deep in my consciousness kept telling me “its ok don’t listen to them.” Which was everyone trying to get me to snap out of it. Then their voices kept sounding further and further away from me and I thought oh God where am I going? But then the voice kept telling me “its ok just let go.” Let go like die? No no no not from smoking weed! But it just seemed like it wasn’t up to me and that I needed to stop fighting it. Then the paranoia kicked in and said: maybe this is the devil trying to get you to die when you really thought it was God calling to you. So what way should I go? Did I even have the power to choose?
I was told that I was saying random things over and over again very loudly. I told my friends brother that I loved him and looked to everyone around me when in fact I didn’t even see them. To me they were all the significant people in my life who made me who I was today and it was okay to leave now because I was a good person because of these people. It seemed at this time to me that I was recalling everything that had ever happened in my life and the people that had touched my life had all been there for a reason and now I was seeing why. But I was getting closer and closer to the ultimate answer to WHY? When I'd then start to slip back to reality or away from what I was suppose to follow. I saw myself go back into creation before I was born.
The week before all this had happened I had finally decided that I wanted to go to college to be an ultra sound tech and now realized the reason I was going to do that because I was going backwards into my mothers womb. Weird! All these realizations were occurring in a split second. I remembered my first thoughts of being alive and then dying and how now was the time and how I just had to let go. But it was so hard. Had I done everything I was suppose to in life? Then the worst part came. Where would I go heaven or hell? The devil seemed to bring up all my bad characteristics while it seemed like god was on my fighting side since I had always turned to him in my life.
In between these strange pullings on my soul I happened to call my mom and tell her I needed her and I was sorry but she didn’t understand. My friends all seemed to turn against me and they only wanted me to burn in hell and never be happy. They were all out to get me in my mind when I reality they were trying to get me out of my soaked clothes and off the street I was walking on. I barely remember this piece of time because it all seemed like one big dream. Somewhere in this mess I had come upon the conclusion that this earth was hell and I had no where lower to go so I needed to get back to that state of mind where I could just “let go”. That’s why all my friends were trying to help me because they were workers of the devil trying to keep me from my eternal happiness.
Meanwhile I tried to eat the light bulb in my friends room saying “I need the light” and when her mom finally called the ambulance I asked for “the lights” so they dimmed them for me assuming that’s what I was asking for. I freaked out and screamed for them to turn then up. It seemed like everyone was against me and I was not suppose to be here on earth with them. I remember hearing the EMT’s talking about how I had to be on some other kind of drugs and there was no way I only smoked weed I was covering up but in reality it was the damn truth! During all of this I remained to slip in and out of what was now I silent darkness and the blurry reality.
Next all I remember is waking up in the hospital bed. My parents looked at me with disappointment and all I could feel was this uneasy feeling of misplacement, like I wasn’t suppose to be alive. I told my mom this and how I thought I was suppose to die and she responded “God had bigger plans then you did.” My mom is an amazing person but that’s a different story. So the blood test showed a blood alcohol count of less than a beer and no drugs other than marijuana but I still felt like I had been in a car wreck.
To this day I feel very uneasy about what occurred that night and plan on seeing a psychiatrist to talk about it. I have that sense of misplacement still and cant understand why I'm here. I see this occurrence as much more than just a “bad trip” and have come to some conclusion as I've read other stories trying to make it all make sense. Just as Eve ate the apple, what happened that night was some phenomenon that was trying to open my eyes to a greater understanding and knowledge beyond this world. My take on it is keep it I don’t want to know. I believe that if I would have acquired something form that night that I was not meant to have, I would never be happy again. But now that I'm on the road to recovery and trying to gain back my self-worth, I can go back to the fun loving blonde girl I use to be, but it's going to take some time.
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