Citation: Imaginer. "Breaking Down the Doors, if Only Momentarily: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp56763)". Erowid.org. Oct 24, 2006. erowid.org/exp/56763
This experience has been a catalyst of self-exploration for me religiously, spiritually, and educationally. It all started like this. B and I were hanging out one night and decided to shroom. We had not hung out very often and this was going to be his first trip. I thought it would just be a recreational trip, but it turned out otherwise. We went and picked them up and took them at the dorms. I consumed about two grams dried cubes. I had not eaten much the two days previously, maybe a sandwich and a few snacks.
The dorms are hell. They always had cops patrol every few hours and the rooms were very small, 9x13. With two lofted beds, a futon under one and a tv/refrigerator under the other, there is hardly any room. Well we were just sitting in his room and playing video games. He was having a blast but I started to feel very uncomfortable in these surroundings.
I started hyperventilating and just having a sort of panic attack. So I stood up and tried to breath slowly but I couldnít get into the 'everything is alright' mindset. I told him I had to go to my room to calm down, being where I felt at home most in this college town, so I just left. I got into my room but I kept wigging out. I didnít know what to do. I knew that meditation was supposed to calm one down and at this point I was ready to try anything. I sat on the futon in a meditative posture, not quite sure which it might be called. I just tried to sit with my back as straight as possible with my legs crossed Indian style. I closed my eyes, and went somewhere else. I remember feeling as if I was in control of my breath, it had become a voluntary action, I had to think about breathing or I would not. It scared me immensely. My heart felt as if it were going to explode. I was within my mind. It was pure nothingness and I felt like I was dieing. I felt terrible that my mom and family would find out I died from having a heart attack or something from drugs. It was inevitable though. I knew I was fleeing from myself. I died.
I was just in the middle of nothingness, it wasnít black or any color, it was like when your eyes are closed just nothingness and it was infinite. I knew I was dieing because I knew this was what life was at its deepest point. I was seeing everything that has been and that ever will be. I was not I then, there was no I. It really seemed like my life flashed before my eyes at that instant and I saw my entire life. All the things I had ever done, all the things I had ever learned, and it all culminated into what I was at that exact time.
I considered myself to be an atheist before this experience, but I experienced what religions call God. I then had a revelation about religions and how all of them are similar with a main person who usually helps out other people and tries to teach everyone 'the way' to reach heaven or nirvana or whatever path it was to a transcendental being. It all made sense. Everything in life made sense and I had no regrets or doubts. I let myself go, die, because I knew this was right. It was the most righteous thing I have ever done.
I was in nothingness and my being was expanded infinitely everywhere, I became one with it all. I had this weird image of outer-space around me I could see it all. All was nothing and I was nothing thus I was all. Once I let myself go I realized this. That I was one with everything and all things are interconnected. I saw in this nothingness that all things are infinite. I saw this nothingness as the make up of all existence. This nothingness built upon itself to form what we perceive as the real world. One thing I picked up while going through this was that these were all just images in my head that I understood. If I tried to think a thought, in words, it would totally feel like this feeling of enlightenment, what I want to call this experience, would go away. I saw this because when I would use a word to say something I was automatically bringing up other memories associated with a word or a feeling that was brought up with it, this made it impossible to let things into my head freely and taught me how inadequate talking orally really can be. It is a distraction from being one with everything, and the stillness of the mind. I was learning so much from this that I wanted it to never stop. I ceased all thinking and let it come to me. When I started having strange dream like hallucinations, CEVs.
I looked around and I was lying in an endless meadow of healthy short green grass covered in leaves. There was one gigantic tree in the distance where all the leaves were coming from. I sat here and I was happy. And I was just sitting there with the breeze blowing leaves around me. It was one of the most relaxing and most vivid things I have ever had while tripping. Even though it was a CEV it felt like I was there. All my sense were responding to my surroundings. I felt and heard the leaves crumple beneath me when I moved. I felt the wind tingle the hairs on my body. I was there. It was almost like from a movie or something but I was there.
But I spun around for some reason and I was sitting on top of a large pyramid/temple type structure over looking what I understood to be Egypt. I had become a pharaoh or some sort of nobility. There were all these women around me with palm leaves fanning me off and I understood that them to be my concubines. It all seemed very wrong though because of the fact that I was in charge of so many people and they were all living in such terrible conditions while I lived such a lavish life. I realized it was selfish of me to hold so much power and have people consider me a sort of god when I knew I wasnít, so I left that too. So I left that era and ended up feeling really sick of myself for treating all those people so badly and using everything to my advantage.
I went back into nothingness without anymore of these dream type things.
The whole nothingness experience was the most amazing ecstasy I have ever felt, I was in the moment, and I was being without thinking about past or future. I was completely submerged in life. That is what I saw. And I wanted to share it with everyone I knew. I started to think again about how I had died, which would have been okay at that time because I realized death was just ceasing to think, it was becoming one with everything, there was a very fine line between really living and not 'living'. Death was just the other side of life, it was not bad it was not good, it was just... as it was. But again, I felt there was a reason I could not let myself go yet. It was because I wanted to share this with everyone I knew, I didnít want to be greedy with this ultimate loving abyss of the truth I had discovered. I wanted to somehow come back into 'reality' and share this with the world. That is when I had another revelation about religion. So this is where it starts to go a little crazy but bare with me.
I saw that in all religions there was a leader, a guru, one who had seen the light at least, and I felt like I had seen what life was about. I felt like I knew the truth, and I wanted to share this.
I also saw that by truly knowing something it would occur. The most extreme example of confidence if you will, knowing without a single doubt, one could do anything. This is almost impossible for humans though because of the doubts we have created and the way we have categorized things. We have gone down the wrong path, and todayís world is so far from what it should be. By using language and placing things in categories we see things as separate now. Language is so inadequate. Nothing is separate. Everything is the same thing. Evolving with orally communicated language has led us down a harsh road. This is where I want to say I believe that telepathically communicating would be one of the best things humans could come to in correlation with the enlightenment of all. We would feel what others felt and know what they thought. We would all be as one. But when the minutest doubt comes into play we are not able to do any of these things.
I went into another CEV, but all of these CEVs I was having seemed totally real to me. I didnít understand they were not until my trip was over, and still I am not so sure if they were not real. What is reality though? That is for a different post. Back into the CEV world.
In this CEV I was sort of just sitting in my room again and it seemed like I could see with my eyes closed. I was just sitting in my room by myself like I had been when I first sat down on the futon earlier. Everything was the same and there were no outlandish things happening in my room. I did hear some unfamiliar noises that I usually didnít hear, like a fan, and some people talking outside my dorm room door but it was nothing out of the ordinary. I thought I had come back with some sort of power given to me to spread the knowledge I had attained.
The TV flickered on all of a sudden and it started scrolling through all these channels. It stopped on a news channel. The news caster seemed extremely bewildered. She was saying how there were terrible natural disasters going on all over the world. I assumed this was the apocalypse. There were all these panned images in the top of the TV screen of volcanoes going off in different areas, earthquakes, lightning everywhere and even the studio the news caster was in was shaking because the camera was going wild, and outside my dorm room I heard a gigantic storm of lightning and thunder so loud it hurt my ears. So pretty much I saw the world ending before my eyes and it was because when I had left the point of enlightenment I had seen myself coming back as a god who would be able to just show everyone this by willing it. I started to get very nervous because this was my fault. I could not control the power yet. I got angry at the news reporter, the only other person I could take it out on, and accidentally killed her as I watched TV she just died. I did not mean for this to happen, but it seemed like all the things I was supposed to do were backfiring immensely as I could not control any of it. The slightest change in my emotion or feelings caused the most dramatic changes in the entire world. I had to stop this and I told God who was myself that I did not want these powers yet.
I wanted to share the knowledge still, but in a different way.
I woke up again and I was in my room. I was actually in my room though, not in a trip, and B was standing there saying, 'Dude, are you okay? You have been passed out for like 2 or 3 hours, but I could tell you were alive because your eyes were REMing like none other.' and I just couldnít talk because I still had that vision in my head that I wanted to share and talking interrupted my train of no thought.
I didnít know how I could share with him the truth I had seen without speaking. I just grabbed his hand and tried to telepathically send it to him. My friend M ended up running in the door all the way from downtown because he had heard I was having a really bad trip and B had gotten worried. And it was great to see him because I knew he was looking out for me. Well I knew I had to tell M too so he sat down next to me talking to me and trying to comfort me. I held his hand too. I just tried to radiate my experience to them by knowing that they would know. I donít know why I had to touch them but I felt I was transferring some sort of energy. I felt like they were going to be my disciples and they would realize what I had seen. You donít understand, if everyone in the world could have experienced this same thing it would have set the world into a new era. There is no way people could have a war, no one would be greedy, everyone would see each other as equal and love the world, because this knowledge or enlightenment was what humanís greatest achievement would be.
It would be the unity of all humans and love for everything. With the unity of humans together it would also be unity with the animals and Earth itself. So I hoped that by telling M and B this they would see the light. Then they would know how to transfer the ideas to other people and it would spread exponentially, because by seeing what I had seen it would have made everyone want to share it with everyone else.
I went back under into another CEV trip like sedation I guess, and I was holding Mís hand and it felt like eternity. There was a being next to me and at first it was M. And I was still trying to transfer the energy to him. Slowly it felt like I had been sitting there for hundreds of years and time was flying by infinitely. Everything around me corroded and his body just decomposed next to me and fell into itself. It freaked me out something terrible because I had just traveled through the future if you will. I would have been the only being alive and I wouldnít have shared it with anyone. Rather I would have pretty much stopped human existence. I didnít like that one bit so I turned back time I guess and he came back to life filling back up and what not everything was how it was. Then I got kind of greedy and I guess I fell real deep into a dream because he became a girl and I thought if I was a god I might as well take advantage of my powers.
I turned M into this girl I had really liked at the time and tried to have sex with her. I got totally greedy and the ego I had done so well to clear out of my head came back and ruined everything. I felt weird though because I knew I changed M into this girl, but I was nervous to try anything because if I was actually just tripping I would be trying to get on top of M.
So I woke up again, not in a trip, and no one was even there anymore.
I talked to M a few days later thinking I had tried to hook up with him, but he said he had left and that never happened.
I called B because I didnít know what was going on, I had just gone through all of that and I didnít know if I was in reality anymore, it was around 5 am and I really needed someone to talk to. B came down and wasnít tripping anymore but I was still going. I told him I really needed to see people so I could share with them what I had seen. So it ended up being like 5 of us sitting around in my room and me explaining all of that to them. I felt like I was just radiating this energy and I really hoped it would work.
Well it didnít work obviously or else the world would be changed, but I talked to some people later. B said he felt nothing. P said he felt this weird tingling like his hair was raised on the back of his neck. M said he knew I was trying to tell him something and he knew I was concentrating really hard on something.
But one thing I saw when I was doing this was that every person has a mental block up. As I was trying to feed them this experience through my mind to theirs they just would not accept it. People were afraid of this. You know, this is not supposed to happen kind of thing from a fantasy. And to be able to allow the experience to happen within themselves they would have to die the same way I did before first seeing this, which I am not going to lie was one of the scariest moments of my life. I forgot to mention that when I died I had to actually let go of everything, my life, my friends and family, my memories, the things I thought I loved, and let it all go. I thought I was going to be nothing.
I was nothing but it was as I had said ecstasy and transcendental. Well dieing to most people is not the easiest thing to accept even though you die mentally with a new mind born anew, this isnít very clear. So that was my consensus after trying to reach all these people. Some I felt like I could get into more than others, those who were a little more spiritually inclined and more into thinking about life rather than the distractions todayís world is giving us. Todayís world is hard to give up. Materialism is hard to let go of, my stuff is hard to leave, and so most people cant understand this. So I couldnít share that with those people.
So I realized people have to experience this on their own accord, there is no way I can do it for them which made me sad. A few times since this trip I feel this intense light come over me. I feel like I am going to die again but I cant let go for some reason. I do feel like if I let go again I might have even more control this time with sharing my thoughts. Because we have had some weird things happen with me kind of telepathically communicating with some friends. Its while we are tripping though and I donít like to call it telepathically, because it sounds so sci-fi channel but itís like putting my experiences, feelings, emotions, thoughts in someone elseís head without talking. Itís weird. But yeah that was my intense trip and I know I left a lot of small details out and some things were a little mixed up but thatís it. I try and share it with people I think will listen and see what they think about it. It really gives me insight on to what I should do with this, I feel it is a calling or something. I donít think I am special. I just believe I might be able to produce a catalyst within other people. I feel I am God, but I feel that every other person is God too. We are all God, and we are united.
Thatís just when I start to feel a little insane though, they send you to mental asylums for thinking you can change the world. I want to do this though. I want to share this with everyone, and I want the world to be as one.
'Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try, Nowhere below us, Above only sky, Imagine all the people
Living for today...
ĒImagine there's no countries, It isn't hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, And no religion too, Imagine all the people, Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer, But I'm not the only one, I hope someday you'll join us, And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man, Imagine all the people, Sharing all the world. You may say I'm a dreamer, But I'm not the only one, I hope someday you'll join us, And the world will be as one'
I just remembered tonight the end of this trip. I told myself I would not be ready to experience this for a while. So I could be ready to 'handle' the situation in the correct way (remember how I had lost control).
This makes a lot of sense to explain what has been happening. I have been having panic attacks that feel as if they are going to invoke this experience again while intoxicated on 'y' substances. It feels like it is trying to force itself upon me, but I won't let it come on. I am very scared of releasing my attachments again.
I am starting to take yoga and meditation classes. I will be ready soon. I have been feeling this disattachment from things I 'know' that has just started recently and become ever so slowly more prevalent. I will look at a word and just think about how weird it looks and I have no idea what it means. Last night I was studying for a midterm and I read the word 'true' multiple times with no idea what it meant. I knew the disattachment was imposing itself slightly so I shook it off and told it I wasn't ready. Another sober day I was sitting around and I completely forgot of all the experiences I had with my roommates, my best friends, and couldn't remember what separated them from any other people. There have even been several times where I look into a mirror and do not recognize myself.
I soon think I will be ready if I continue on my current path. I think many people feel this. The awakening if you believe in such a thing.
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