Citation: Emo Earache. "Friday Night Alone In The Universe: An Experience with 5-MeO-DMT (exp56696)". Erowid.org. Oct 21, 2006. erowid.org/exp/56696
I’m pretty sure I killed myself. And about five to seven minutes after that, I’m pretty sure I was completely reborn.
The past year or so has brought about quite a shift in my own perceptual understanding of reality, and definitely altered my limited understanding as to how the true construct of existence can be defined. Though they have not been the sole source of my own changes in consciousness over this time period, psychedelic drugs have been major catalysts in the changes my being has undergone within the past year. During this period I have had the great opportunity to experience dozens of times substances like 2C-I (my favorite), 2C-E, MDMA, Salvia, DMT, and 5-MeO-DMT.
With each substance I have had extremely interesting and unique experiences. On Christmas Eve of 2005, I smoked DMT for the first time and actually saw what I now believe to have been Indra’s Net in action as a giant, sparkling, green grid flowing infinitely in every direction, only to then observe it transform into a giant smiling God face from which limitless love, beauty and joy emanated, on 2C-E I broke down into tears after coming to a full realization of the animosity within my own family towards each other, vowing never to allow myself to become as separated from my siblings as my father has become from his, and on 2C-I I have experienced such psychedelic comfort and creative expression as to allow me to finally be comfortable being weird in each creative outlet I pursue, regardless of any lack of true talent.
But I can say without a doubt that the last experience I had with 5-MeO-DMT was absolutely the most powerful psychedelic experience I have ever endured.
I’ll admit that pretty much every single of the other nine times I had smoked 5-MeO I was pretty drunk before taking the toke. I’m not sure I would have had the courage to take that first inhalation without being quite toasted, even though normally I can be pretty confident in my own abilities to handle intense situations. Every time I had previously smoked 5-MeO, though, all I felt was absolute bliss. From the moment the effects would begin, I would have a smile on my face. The fuzzy beauty and rollicking infinite sensations would take me away through an immensely immersive trip, and upon coming back to self-realization and my own normal consciousness, I would practically be laughing with joy at the retuning.
However, this last trip was definitely a bit different. I suppose lately I have been somewhat down on myself, as I am a twenty-five year old recent college graduate, who is living at home with his parents, wondering just what the heck I am going to do with my life—and a Bachelor’s degree in English. Deciding how to forge a career in our society is not something that is easily concluded for me, nor do I consider picking out one thing to spend a vast amount of my existence engaging in a no-brainer. So anyway, let’s just say I have been confused, a bit depressed, and also a bit stuck in a rut as far as how my life is proceeding. This mindset has also, consequently, led me to indulge in alcohol far, far more than I should be doing.
Which leads me to the night of the experience. It was a Friday night, around 1:00am, and since I had nothing to do and was bored and physically tired (I have been working everyday for about four weeks straight at two different jobs), I was just sitting at home drinking a little beer and not really doing much of anything. After about four beers I was somewhat buzzed, but not that much, as my tolerance for alcohol has increased quite a bit over the past six months or so. I was, however, just emboldened enough by the liquid courage to get it in my head that maybe smoking a little 5-MeO would be worth a go. I think this willy-nilly approach to taking a hit of this stuff should give you an idea of how unprepared I was for this attempt, at least all the other times I was with other people and drunk and having a good time before smoking it.
I sat on my bed and filled the pipe with a pinch of tobacco and placed a little pile of crystals right on top of that. I have no idea how much DMT was in the pipe, every other time we had smoked this stuff we just eyeballed it, incrementally increasing the dose until we came to a good idea of how much was enough. This looked like enough, or in retrospect, maybe just a little bit more than enough.
I turned off the lights, put on some headphones, and started the “Live/Dead” Dark Star. With a little bit of anxiety, and a little less preparation than I should have had, I took one huge, harsh toke. I held this in almost as long as I could, and by the time I blew out the smoke and laid on my back, things had begun.
The first few moments felt like the settling in for a huge DMT experience, but this was nothing I hadn’t felt before. It felt like the tingling beauty I was used to that usually made me smile as things really began. For some strange reason, though, I wasn’t smiling this time.
The initial onset was quick and overwhelming. And as I had experienced before on previous trips, I just became immersed in the effects and let go. However, all of a sudden my conscious mind snapped back to me, and I realized I was in a place that felt like blasting eternity. The music, from what I could understand at least, was stretching out into infinite notes, no longer adhering to the concept of seconds, or minutes, or time itself. This eternity I had entered was a place where time does not exist, and the music was just a part of this eternity as I was now.
For some reason though, as soon as I entered this eternity, I was still “I”. My thoughts and my ego were still intact, and quickly I had a very basic reaction to blasting into infinity: I thought I had died.
Just like that, I was sure I had died. I thought, “FUCK!!! I just killed myself! I’m dead! I’m dead, and no I’m going to be stuck here forever!!!” There was no other way to explain it. I had died. I knew I was never going to return from this forever. The winds of eternity were to be forever blasting through my mind, and “I” was going to be smudged in this place, just as the notes I could barely make out where smudged infinitely across the perceivable spectrum of sound. Everything I was feeling was going to last forever, and now I was dead. For a moment in infinity, I even thought of someone walking into my room and finding my body, as I was eternally trapped in the vast expanses of this weird, uber-frightening eternity.
And on top of that, I also had the feeling that I was going completely crazy, absolutely nuts. Not only was I dead, and stuck in this awesomely over-powering, never-ending moment, I was going out of my mind and was going to stay like that forever. It was as if the fuzzy vibrations that constituted eternity were gently—yet powerfully—vibrating in my consciousness, batting my brain around in an increasingly intense spiral of ego jarring madness. This frightened me even more, and I was now fully convinced I was dead, crazy, and never going to come back to reality as I had once understood it. In this moment, as strange as it sounds, everything lasted forever.
Then, as if I were a drowning man who spies the end of a thin stick diving through the water to help bring him back, my normal reality began to return, giving me a little something to grip onto as eternity—ever so slightly—began to recede. The music in my ears began to take on the properties of time once again. My dying ended, and I was able to recognize my room again, seeing that I was here and alive and sitting cross-legged on my bed. Everything was becoming normal again. Everything was returning.
And, oh my god, this returning felt like a rebirth. I was reborn from death. I now felt the most soul shaking joy and wonder I have ever felt in my entire life. I was so happy to be alive, to have come back from death, to have been given a second chance at not only life, but birth, I was overwhelmed and smiling and laughing and slapping my shaking hands onto my bed. What I felt was pure, utter amazement, wrapped in joy and wonder and happiness and love, and all mixed together with the powerful understanding of what it is like to be reborn.
For a short moment I seemed to have clarity in my life. I knew that what I wanted to do was go back to school, if not sooner than later, and obtain a Master’s degree. I realized that, though I felt I didn’t have enough confidence to pursue a career in teaching, perhaps I should look into this and actually develop the confidence to help young people educate themselves. And, just as importantly, I could see clearly that drinking practically every night was destroying my ambition, my self-confidence, and my ability to live a good life. If I was going to do anything with myself in this short time we are allowed to live in this plane of existence, I had better stop drinking like I have been, and start living a much healthier lifestyle.
All this came to me in a flash of exuberance, and after coming back to life a little bit more, yet still shaking, I went to my computer and typed out the first thoughts that came to my head:
“I think I killed myself tonight.
In fact, I'm sure of it.
There is a place somewhere else
that makes you deal with your own self forever,
in ways far beyond the scope of who you think you are now.
It is not hell or heaven, but rather eternity.
Yet most everything in life is beautiful. Isn't that ironic?
We live through our own lives in a haze,
misdiscovering every moment.
But yet we are always everything we are becoming,
and becoming only desires to be embraced
(like a warm child suckling for the teat).
Happiness is the reservoir of the universe,
we are quiet nights in silent ships breaking solid waves.
The surface is just the beginning,
and we are the surface, and the beginning.
I fought myself tonight,
and I died. I killed myself.
And it was not everything I thought it might be.
In fact, it was just my death and I.
From now on I'd rather try and become,
rather than blast again through the tumultuous peril
of my own death—and joy of my own birth—once again.
Yeah, ok. I just scared the shit out of myself, and I think I've decided to make some changes in my own being. For starters, I want to quit drinking. Then, I want to grow up, maybe go back to school and work on a Master's. Also, maybe begin work on a teaching credential somewhere. My life is in shambles, and that is something I cannot die with--again.
I need to straighten things out. I only hope I can remember this fresh beginning again when the time comes for action.
(Not the most amazing personal insights to ever be reached, but for a directionless person like myself, it is definitely a start.)
Though still in a state of extreme excitement, I was able to fall asleep quite easily. It was rest I definitely needed.
The next day I wasn’t nearly as shaken up, but still I felt a little upbeat and glowing. While at work in the library, every once in a while, while quietly shelving books, a huge smile would arch across my face as I remembered the experience as much as I could. Upon reflection, even as I was convinced I was dying, what I felt was still beautiful, though frighteningly so. The overall experience was so overwhelming, I can only look back on it now and view the whole thing as the most truly mind-blowing experience I have ever felt. Hopefully I will be able to integrate my thoughts at the time into positive realizations and actions, but I guess only time will tell. It’s up to me living here and now to make the necessary changes in my life. I hope I don’t have to experience death again in order to remember how I should be living.
Will I smoke again? Not any time soon. But yes, I believe I will. Eternity is a fascinating and beautiful place, even if it’s not to be engaged in with an ego. But it is a real part of existence, and it can’t be ignored if we are to keep on living as beings existing on a strange blue ball, hovering in the middle of an infinite black universe we are barely beginning to understand.
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