Citation: Rayn. "Candyflipping and Seeing God: An Experience with LSD, MDMA, Ketamine, Nitrous & Alcohol (exp56669)". Erowid.org. Oct 9, 2007. erowid.org/exp/56669
||Alcohol - Beer/Wine
| T+ 0:00
| T+ 0:00
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:00
||(pill / tablet)
| T+ 0:15
||(pill / tablet)
| T+ 0:45
||(pill / tablet)
| T+ 1:30
||(blotter / tab)
| T+ 3:30
||(pill / tablet)
DOSE: T+0:00. MDMA, 2 pills
T+0:45. MDMA, 1 pill
T+1:30. LSD, 1 tab
T+3:30. MDMA, 1 pill
Approximately every hour:
Various lines of Ketamine.
Various hits of nitrous
BODY WEIGHT: 175 lbs
Approximately two years I attended a gathering of friends in Los Angeles at the home of my friend Jace and his wife. This was typically something I would do about twice a year when I could afford the trip. I live in New York, but I've still made my way out to see Jace and several other online friends because they are exceedingly cool folks, the likes of which I do not know here on the East Coast.
Jace has an excellent house and is kind enough to often host parties where we can get together and share a good time enhanced by whatever substances we happen to have on hand. This time, our friend Mercy from Oregon had some acid. I had been smoking a lot of pot the week previous to this, and had started to suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder which I believe is the result of years of psychadelic abuse and had told myself that taking the LSD would likely not be a good idea. I had it in my mind that I might opt out when the opportunity arose. Somehow though, even when I have made obscene combinations of various chemicals, I'd never had a bad experience at Jace's. This is undoubtedly due to the near perfect set and setting as well the people that hang out here. Environment is everything.
That being said, until people got there, we'd been hitting small amounts of K and nitrous to pass the time. I was drinking my beer, as I always do. It seems to anchor me to reality. I just like having something to sip on. I popped two pills of E once people started showing up and was soon enjoying the effects and added energy. I noticed that the amphetamine like rush of the MDMA was causing an unpleasant body load as I was feeling quite jittery. I took a vicodin from Jace's wife to try and balance that out. It may have had an effect, but it was hard to tell.
I was having a good time and bouncing between the two 'theatres' of the party. One was in the garage where the smokers would chill out under flourescent lighting, the other was in the living room where the lights were dimmed and other folks were passing around baloons of nitrous. I tend to remain mobile and enjoy moving around under the influence. I changed rooms a number of times once I became more accustomed to the body load of the MDMA and began relaxing. I decided taking another MDMA pill to extend my peak would be a great idea and did so.
Shortly thereafer, the four of us who would be tripping received our LSD from Mercy. That meant Mercy, Jace, Raven and myself. Whatever reservations I had held in sobriety were non-existant in the MDMA-induced bliss I was in at the point. Combined with the buzz from the other substances, I was having a grand old time and saw no reason to see what would come of this.
The LSD did not take long to kick in. Perhaps 45 minutes later, I found myself shifting from location to location without really knowing how I got there. My first memory of being in the trip was sitting on the floor of the living room where we were all (maybe 10 people present) were passing around balloons of nitrous. I looked up at Dace who was sitting on the couch and was quite surprised to see a look of total and abject horror on his face, which may or may not have actually been there in reality. The look on his face was probably due to a vortex that had positioned itself near his left eye and which seemed to be a crack in reality. Said crack was pulling Jace's face into it and it looked like it wasn't too pleasant. In my state of mind, I figured he was probably seeing something along the lines of what I was and that explained his look.
Balloons and ketamine continued to circulate. I looked over at Raven, whose mohawked-head was now encircled in a glowing blue crown of hieroglyphs, and suddenly was pulled a bit out of reality for a moment. At that moment it seemed I knew what both Jace and Raven were thinking. We later commented on this and it was therefore referred to as 'that thing that happened which we cannot discuss'.
Suddenly I was in the garage. I was sitting on the couch with my eyes opened far enough that it was amazing they managed to remain in my sockets. I was in disbelief at the visuals I was having. With my eyes completely open and looking at people, I was watching a completely different movie than everyone else. I was watching Jace cut lines of Ketamine and suddenly I gained the ability to see through time. I was watching, in time lapse, the history of our location. I saw events that were passed down in the history books, and came to the realization that many of these events simply did not happen. They were metaphors and lies. Additionally, reality itself was merely an invention of the human mind so it could make sense of the truth. We were like cells in a human body, if you can imagine, all performing functions to keep whatever it was that we laboring on working. To cope with our non-sensical and sensory deprived existence, we invented a reality around us that gave it purpose.
To elaborate, if you could imagine the red blood cells in your vein going from the heart to various parts of the body, I saw us like those blood cells. We were simply carrying oxygen around without really knowing it, while instead of a trip through a blood vessel, we imagined ourselves commuting to work and being in a car. I wondered if everyone came up with the same reality, or that if our interactions were just filtered from our subjective reality to another person's subjective reality so it all fit. I imagine this idea came from my experience with large doses of Ketamine. When I am deep in a K-hole, I am dissociated from my senses, but I start to hallucinate because my mind fills in the blanks. It's like a dream.
At this point, I heard Jace say, 'Rayn. Less crazy eyes dude' and realized I was staring right at him looking like a complete psychotic. I went to get another beer and use the restroom. In the mirror, I scared the crap out of myself. My eyes were open so far they looked like white circles. This was not a hallucination, as any of the more sober people could attest to. I guess I was just really, really surprised.
Time moved quickly from that point as I drifted in and out of intense hallucinations every time I decided to sit for a moment. I would go to the garage and smoke a cigarette where Raven and Dace were. They had decided to do such obscene amounts of K that they could no longer remain mobile. I believe Jace said he wound up losing 5 hours in the middle of the night. For most purposes, so did I. Thought I was experiencing profound and terrible things every moment, they were beyond words. I was in mental realm far beyond my ability to communicate, and so I just sat there while my ego shattered and came back to me. It was peaceful. So completely peaceful. There was no anxiety. I kept drinking my beer and moving beyond the two theatres as I was inclined.
At some point, I fell out of this trancelike state and found myself in the garage with the sun coming up. I went to stand and was surprised to feel the familiar body buzz of LSD. I noticed my sense of smell was greatly enhanced and I found the smell of people offensive. Not to say anyone was unclean, but more that I could smell the natural smell we are desensitized to by daily life. I even noticed it on myself. It was negative. I also retained that feeling that reality was somewhat alien to me, and thus was feeling great, but very, very odd. I made my way to the living room where it was quite bright.
Some of the party members were preparing large lines of ketamine in order to tranquilize themselves and possibly get some rest. I was sitting in the circle when suddenly I found myself looking down at ... myself. 'That's disconcerting.' I thought. 'I wonder if ... wait, what is ... I?' Hello, ego death.
My concept of self was suddenly erased. I didn't have time to go through the usual scary parts where I feel the terrible instinct that I must hold onto my ego or it will mean my death. Nope, just suddenly outside my body, and 2 seconds later, outside the house. A few seconds more and I'm outside the planet, looking at Earth. All the while, I'm completely peaceful, as if I were nothing but air.
Things speed up. I'm receding through the universe and things are getting farther and farther away. Suddenly, I'm looking at a small red circle. It moves. There's another one. It moves to the right. Zoom out a bit more. Its a conveyer belt. A conveyer belt of universes. All part of some huge machine. I see a man operating the machine. He is with and without shape at once. He has a thousand faces and a thousand voices. He looks uninvolved. He is God. I zoom out more and see thousands of these machines. In the center is a brass gear turning them all. I focus on this brass gear and watch it spin and spin and spin. Suddenly, the edges of the hallucination start to fade.
I'm still looking at the gear but I begin to make out the carpet beneath me, and what appears to be a tray of white lines of Ketamine in my peripheral vision. I'm home, but I'm still looking at the gear ... ? Oh ... its the nitrous cracker. It all started because I was looking at the nitrous cracker. I'm spinning it back and forth, back and forth. There's a cartridge in it. I'm lucky I didn't discharge it in my hand. One of Jace's roommates greets me with eyes probably as big as mine. I take a few lines and lie down to try to integrate my experience. It didn't really work. I found myself unable to speak much sense for the better part of the next day. My body was tremendously hurt. I'd polished off a 12 pack over the course of the night and was hung over. My brain didn't know what the fuck. I think I was not completely down until nearly 18 hours later due to fatigue.
Overall, it was a ++++ experience. I don't know if I could ever replicate it. With all my experience on hallucinogens, I'd never had such vivid, open-eye visuals. Honestly, it was more like DMT than LSD. The visions were not immediately reassuring or friendly. For a long time after that, and still today, I sometimes wonder about the layers of reality and where I fit into them. Ultimately, I did find spiritual meaning in my visions, and I am not sure how to communicate such a conglomeration of feelings.
I still can't open my eyes that wide though.
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